Hello!
Today is 6th December 2022 and it has been a LONG time since I've written in this blog. Today my therapeutic writing is about my motherhood journey thus far.
Let me tell you a secret. One of my greatest fears in life, ever since I was young enough to grasp an understanding of this fear ... is something that I most likely will never, ever experience on this earth.
My secret is that my greatest fear in life ... used to be ...
Childbirth.
I was terrified at the prospect of undergoing labour pains. The first time that we found out we were pregnant, we were at the doctor's and the test came back positive on a urine test.
And I completely burst out crying. I guess Lawrence nor the Doctor understood exactly why I was crying at the time, but it was definitely because I was terrified of the thought of having to push a baby out of me.
And due to medical reasons, any viable pregnancies that I have will need to be delivered via c-section prematurely. So I should never have to experience even one contraction in my life, if I value my life.
Ahem, anyway.
Now that I am a mother to Ada Love, my greatest fears are all about motherhood itself. I am afraid of not being good enough. I am afraid of messing up my daughter psychologically. I am afraid of my own anger getting the best of us and that the sound of my raised voice will leave psychological scarring that will distort her growth and happiness in the future. I am afraid of not being present enough. I am afraid she'll be a sad, lonely child. I am sooo afraid of failure.
At the beginning of the blog, in 2020, I spoke of an interview I had with my mission president. He said that I was like a gift, wrapped up really nicely with a big massive bow. He said that it's going to take time for that bow to come off. But that when it finally does, he can't wait to see what gifts I have inside.
It has been 8 years since that interview - and admittedly, I thought that I'd have the bow off by now. In other words, sometimes I find it hard to see my worth. I find everything about me to be so ... replaceable.
But in the end, it is because I love Ada and my husband so, so much, that I could never imagine Ada growing up being raised by anyone other than me. Flaws and all, she has me because I want to be the one she loves.
Is it strange that I find self-validation in a little person who can't even talk yet? She's my little walking miracle, and she's the greatest gift that God has given me in my life so far. But she's extra special because I really can't keep this little girl all to myself. She is shared by everyone who knows her, is related to her, and loves her. Her father, her grandparents, her aunties and uncles, cousins, and my aunties and uncles and friends.
She is such as good little girl who is utterly in love with me. And her love for me pierces my soul and makes me brave enough to even love myself. To forgive myself. To work on myself and be easy on myself. I thought that I felt validated because of how much my husband loves me and the kindness he shows me every day. But Ada's adoration for me is unparalleled.
I am her first word. I am her protector, provider, and best friend. I am her teacher, and her confidant. Without me, she might literally fall apart and the kind of power that I have scares me but also pleases me. Because nothing feels better to me than to feel so important and so irreplaceable to someone else. Having a child has truly been life-changing.
And although women often lose themselves in motherhood, women often lose their self-identity, their bodies, their time, their hobbies and passions and interests all for the sake of another little being that relies on them to stay alive...
I, as a mother, have found myself. I have found myself to be important, to be strong, to be capable and smart. I have more confidence now than I have ever before in my entire life. I feel like the sensation of being confident is new because it is something that I have finally found.
I started writing a poem in the early days of my motherhood journey. I never quite finished it but will endeavour to provide you a complete version here. I wrote this poem progressively when I couldn't sleep at night. I have other poems too, and I'm sure I'll find the right time to share them. But for now, enjoy.
Love are the moments. A poem on parenthood.
Love are the nights
I don't want to leave bed
But I hear you cry
So I hold you instead
Love is the moment
You first looked at me
In wonder and I wonder
What you imagined me to be?
Love was pregnancy days
Kneeling was hard to do
Yet I prayed for you
Already in love with you
Love is the quiet
You fall asleep in my arms
From crying and cranky
To still and calm
Love is tonight
we're skin to skin
A moment more intimate
Than I've ever been in
Love is the colour blue
beating down down down
And my best isn't enough
So your grandparents come around
Love are the moments
I learn the word sacrifice
The need to meets your needs
No matter the cost or price
Love is the moment
I caught my reflection
I couldn't look for long
But your smile said I was perfection
Love is you
My miracle from on high
My undeserved gift
Proof God doesn't lie
Love are the days
Filled with wonder and strife
Love are the moments
Motherhood changed my life.
My motherhood journey has NOT been what I expected it to be. But it has definitely been a defining chapter in my life that has given me exponential character growth and grit. I have every hope and dream of still unravelling the gifts inside me, and every faith that one day, I'll be able to look back on these blog entries and marvel at how far I've come.
Written with love,
as always,
Eliza.