Hostility Builds No One

Dear readers 

Many people seem to believe the the purpose of life is the pursuit of perfection. or was it just me? Perfectionism will be one of those life-long struggles, thorn on my side that I know I'll have for eternity.

Jesus said: Be ye therefore perfect.

So surely, that MUST mean we should never make mistakes, right? And to make mistakes means that we deserve punishment; that being less-than perfect warrants punishment; to give into indulgences like nutella jars for breakfast deserves punishment. 

That's just the thing. It's so contradictory. Pursuing perfection leads to self-punishment and I really don't think that's what the Saviour was trying to teach. 

Still a lesson I'm trying to learn. Let's learn together?

Earlier this week, my husband and I had a conversation about Finances. Oh ho. The big F in our marriage, lol. 

At some point, he made some light jibe at me which made me, of course, angry. Tempered woman that I am. I bit back in such a condescending tone that the tension in the room became palpable. I was seething. he didn't say anything, bless his heart. 

Because the tension was so bad, I also instantly felt bad. My dearest man never ever means to hurt me or my tender feelings. He never ever means to hurt me or anyone. 

The need for me to Be Right and Adhered To was sooo strong. But in the end, love for my husband won out. So I told myself, I know I love Lawrence and I know I lost my temper but how can I fix this up while still raising the point I need to discuss about our finances? 

It was like a miracle. After several minutes of mental anguish, these following words came to my mind:

Hostility Builds No One.

(President Russell M. Nelson, "Peacemakers Needed," April 2023 General Conference.) 

The storm within me settled. I apologised and then explained in simple terms my original point—the point I was trying to make before he poked the bear. He graciously took the lifeline of mercy by agreeing with me enthusiastically. Good boy. I knew he was smart when I married him.

This little interaction made me consider how harsh I was on myself growing up. I would constantly criticise myself, my behaviour and the way I failed to live the commandments of God perfectly. I took criticism to heart—All. The. Time. 

But that isn't what the Lord wants for us. Elder Holland said, "As children of God, we should not demean or vilify ourselves, as if beating up on ourselves is somehow going to make us the person God wants us to be," (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "Be Ye Therefore Perfect—Eventually," October 2017 General Conference.)

My expectations were extended to everyone around me. I thought I was being a Good Girl for telling my friends off for swearing. I actually thought I was "more holy" because I didn't use certain words, or because I dressed a certain way, or because I sang only church songs on Sunday. It's ridiculous this mindset. 

Although an uphill battle, I have worked hard to quash this sneaky natural man by studying the words of Christ and pondering what he really meant by the commandment to be perfect. Looking back, I've come so far. 

I've learned that there's no room in my heart for judgement AND love. 

This struggle that I have? It's a deadly pandemic in our church culture. 

In the spirit of learning as a family, I brought the topic up during a recent family home evening at my parent's house. Some missionaries participated and came up with beautiful insights. 

I will ask you the same question, and would love to hear your thoughts on this too. 

How might we build ourselves without falling into the trap of perfectionism? 

Here's what we came up with: 

• Replacing the words "Repent" with the words "I invite you." For example, in Helaman 7:17 "O repent ye, repent ye! Why will ye die? Turn ye, turn ye unto the Lord your God. Why has he forsaken you?" We might even replace the words with "I love you, I love you," because repentance is a joyful thing, not a punishment for us.
• The One Percent Principle is something that is popularised by James Clear in his book "Atomic Habits." In 2021, Elder Michael A. Dunn also references this principle. He says, "Instead of trying to perfect everything, what if we tackled just one thing?" (Elder Michael A. Dunn, "One Percent Better" October 2021 General Conference)
• We all speak our native language perfectly, but it didn't happen in one day. There is no shortcut to perfection.
• A painting, once finished, is perfect. There are things in life that reach perfection by its meeting its measure of creation - by meeting its purpose. 
• A "perfect" photograph is better achieved by taking multiple shots than by just waiting for the one perfect shot
• King Benjamin was an industrious, peaceful, and good king. He was successful, saying "Yet, my brethren, I have not done these things that I might boast neither do I tell these things that thereby I might accuse you; but I tell you these things that ye may know that I can answer a clear conscience before God this day," (Mosiah 2:15) The reason why King Benjamin has a clear conscience is because he placed 100% into all his efforts.
• Giving 100%, or all, into our efforts is within our control but we cannot control the end result - that is not something we have control over. Our efforts are what matter most, that is the measurable thing that will keep our conscience clear.
• Ether 12:27 "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness," not so encouraging so far but bear with me, "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble, and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me... then will I make weak things become strong unto them." As an individual about to start my career, this principle spoke volumes to me. The idea is that when someone corrects me, or criticises me, it's not a negative thing but an opportunity to better myself. And that, is always a blessing. I do want to better myself professionally because I care about my performance as a paramedic. 

I know this is a lot. We had a fantastic discussion that night. And let it be known that what actually sparked this conversation was a talk given by my sister. She is the one that inspired me to delve deeper into these thoughts of perfectionism.

So I'd like to know your thoughts, too. How do you build yourself or others in a Christ-like way?

I finish quoting the wise words of a living prophet 

"If we admit that honestly and are trying to improve, we are not hypocrites; we are human. May we refuse to let our own mortal follies, and the inevitable shortcomings of even the best men and women around us, make us cynical about the truths of the gospel, the truthfulness of the Church, our hope for our future, or the possibility of godliness." (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "Be Ye Therefore Perfect—Eventually," October 2017 General Conference.)

Written with love,

Eliza.

Anger Never Persuades

 Dear readers 

Have you ever been so ANGRY you've wanted to kill someone? 

One time when I killed a couple of ants, more ants came and then it turned into a bunch of ants. Before I knew it, I was killing so many ants and they literally started to swarm the whole floor so I stopped. I was doing this outdoors, so I just ran away from the whole situation. I promptly let go of my hate of ants and I kid you not, to this day, I never stomp or  squish ants. I just flick them and pray it lives so that its whole colony doesn't come and bother me. I mean I still hate ants, I just no longer kill them. 

I hate hate

I know, hate is a strong word. My parents discouraged my use of the word hate as much as curse words. But it truly bothers me that people who disagree are unable to communicate and exist without hating each other. Hate precedes violence. Hate precedes wars. Hate precedes the public murder of political figures. It is hate that perpetuates the celebration of those that have been killed by hate. 

I think you know that I'm talking about. 

Someone recently shared their views on Charlie Kirk's death. They were passionate in their belief about how his death was being used as a scapegoat or a distraction to cover up the bombings sanctioned by a certain world power. I was shocked because I had never thought of his death being a form of public manipulation. I was shocked because I think there may be some truth to this—evidenced by how much social media coverage this tragic incident is getting. 

Reminder: Thank you for being respectful as I open up discussions on sensitive matters. I appreciate all thoughts, although I do have my firm beliefs, I try to be open-minded too. So here's my two cents that no one asked for. 

I think Charlie Kirk's murder was profoundly horrible. But I also think that murder and all violence borne by hate is profoundly horrible. I think it hurts the human race collectively. It hurts our humanity as a whole. So I also think that sanctioning bombs on enemies -—especially on communities filled with innocent families that have not signed up to any war, is just as morally wrong, no matter their ideology or way of life. 

Wars and Rumours of Wars 

I told my friend that I think it is so awful what is happening in the Israeli-Palestinian war, and I think death anywhere is just awful. It literally makes me so sad to think of anyone suffering from so much violence, especially violence motivated by hate. Both scenarios; wars, and political assassinations, affects me as an individual and all of us as the Human Race. The death of all innocents from violence makes me sad. It soothed my heart when my friend agreed.  They were able to retract some of the hate they hadn't realised they harboured against someone who didn't deserve to die. 

They then went on to share an experience about how they spoke with a loved one affected by the war. This war made my friend's loved one declare hate towards all Israelis and a burning desire for them all to die. How shocking. My friend thought so too, saying "Do you hate even the little children? Do you want them to die?" 

I did a light research on the topic of hatred and found that Book of Mormon reveals that the Lord is aware of such predicaments. 

4 Nephi 1:9 captures the endless cycle of feuding nations, the Nephites and the Lamanites, "And they were taught to hate the children of God, even as the Lamanites were taught to hate the children of Nephi from the beginning."

The Saviour teaches us to overcome this hatred with love. He says, "But behold I say unto you, love your enemies⁠, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you," (Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ 3 Nephi 12:44).

Ideologies can be changed. The world can change! But not through violence and oppression. 

"Anger never persuades." 

This one statement is what inspired this week's blog entry. It was given by President Nelson, leader of my church organisation, in a FaceBook Video. 

With all the confusion and hatred and violence occurring on a daily basis on the global and personal level ... it's so hard to find the answers on solutions to all these problems. 

What is it I always promote whenever I have questions? 

Heavenly sources. 

I am filled with so much peace and joy to be able to tell you that God has foreseen this in our day and he has provided prophets to help us navigate this dark world. 

My favourite person walking the earth is named President Russell M. Nelson, he is a prophet, seer and revelator. Meaning—he has visions from God and lets us know what God would have us hear. He is also a whooping 101 years old this year which is just superb. Have you ever listened to the pearls of wisdom from a centennial (person who has lived 100+ years)? Have you ever heard from a centennial who is an ordained prophet of God? I have! 

He says that anger never persuades. Hostility builds no one. He encourages us to be peacemakers. He says that we CAN change the world, one person at a time, one gesture and one kind word at a time. 

If you have NOT already seen this video I'm referring to, please find the link for it at the end of this blog post. 

May it inspire you to be kind. May we all be open-minded instead of blinded with hatred. 

I don't want anyone reading this to get too bogged down on the Charlie Kirk tragedy, or the tragedies of war. Instead, I leave you with an inspired question that I would love for you to answer in a comment: 

How can we be peacemakers even when we disagree with others? What does that look like in the every day scenario? Can you think of a time when you were blessed because someone chose peacemaking instead of contention?

Also, how can you persuade me to love ants? Help, pls. 

Written with love, 

Eliza.

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1FBLVJ85uX/?mibextid=wwXIfr

Heavenly Father's Day

 Happy Father's day to all the dads out there. 

And to all men in the tribe that help raise the future generation—this day was for you, too. So, to uncles, friends, cousins, grandfathers, brothers, husbands without children... Please know that this is the day your part in society is celebrated. 

And happy father's day to our dearest Heavenly Father, the Deity and Omnipotent Being that created us! Making us ALL spiritual brothers and sisters. 

"All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny."

(The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Paragraph 2, The Family: A Proclamation to the World, 1995).

I was thinking about why it is so important to be obedient to our Heavenly Father and His many commandments. 

And of all my musings, I think that this week, I needed to focus on something really important. 

Obedience brings blessings!

President Russell M. Nelson teaches us that obedience to the laws of God blesses us today AND paves the way to our eternal reward (Facebook Video). 

Although it's sometimes hard to see the blessings during chaotic chapters in our lives—I promise you that they are there. God still loves us even when we are being tested. 

Earlier this morning something so funny and so embarrassing happened. I have the blessed opportunity every Sunday to participate in the sacrament program by playing the piano accompaniment in leading the congregational hymns. I love it! I'll never be as good as my brother, but I love playing the piano and I love it even more when people sing. 

Problem is, I NEED the sheet music in order to play. I never memorise the songs I play, I always, always, always read the music. Without it, I am blind. 

So what happens when my tablet device, (34% battery before we left!) is down to 3% during the first song? 

Unfortunately the tablet died sometime during the third verse and I died in shame. I'm writing this to you from my grave. 

However, the beautiful chorister continued to lead the congregation in song anyway and so the remainder of the hymn was sung in acapella. 

As I was dying in shame, I was berating myself sooo much for not being prepared enough. I was so embarrassed, I had never let the ward down like that before. And at the same time, I was also so grateful that everyone kept singing. I love my ward. 

I realise that, just like Heavenly Father's commandments, without the sheet music, I was so lost. And the people in church knew the song and they had the music on their devices too. So even if I was lost, thankfully, not everyone was. 

That said. I will never ever let that happen again. 

We are never alone. We are all born into families! And I am so grateful for my family, because I am sure without them and the strength and song they feed into me, I would be a lost little lamb. 

I am so grateful for my father, my husband, my father in law, my uncles cousins and even my older brother. Earlier today, I was napping with baby at my parents house. Baby woke up before I was ready to! He was crying so loudly and I couldn't settle him. My brother walks into the room and just quietly takes him from me, letting me rest. Baby stopped crying as soon as he was picked up. See what I mean? It takes a village to raise a child and I am so grateful for my village. Saved by my village, again! 

Let me emphasise, that my village is here because of Heavenly Father. He intends us to make it back to Him as families. He loves us and knows what is best for us. That's why the proclamation to the world is so important. That is why being obedient is so important. We are nothing in the face of God's power and Almighty, we are dust. We think we know so much, we think we have it all prepared, but as soon as you take away the sheet music, as soon as the laws of the gospel of Jesus Christ disappear, we're left stumbling and guessing! We're left at the mercy of those who have the music to continue the song. 

Forget that for a moment. I said earlier that the important thing here are the blessings. So what ARE the blessings you have received TODAY because of obedience to God's commandments? 

Mine? In addition to feeling peace and forgiveness despite my big stuff up at church today... I would have to say that the law of chastity and keeping my marriage covenants has blessed me immensely without complete fulfilment in my marriage and two beautiful children. 

"Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ."

(The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Paragraph 7, The Family: A Proclamation to the World, 1995). 

Sooo many gems in that powerful proclamation—I invite you to study it out in your mind, and pray to know if it is true. I promise God answers our prayers! 

Written with love, 

Eliza. 

Commandments: Punishment vs Protection

Dear readers, 

I've been thinking about the commandments that our Heavenly Father gives to us—His children. Why do so many people view these commandments as restrictions? As obstacles to freedom? Chains against free will? 

Now restraints may not be a bad thing necessarily. For example, it's the law to wear seatbelts in the car. And of course, we know that wearing the seatbelt decreases the risk on our lives in the case of an accident. As a mother, I will always buckle in my children's seatbelts because I love them and want them to be safe. Similarly, I imagine Heavenly Father has also given us safety laws—commandments—which are motivated by His eternal love for us.

For a long time, this was the only view I had regarding commandments—they're given to us because He Loves us. But recently my perspectives have evolved. Commandments don't just "save" us from foreseeable harm. To me, it is now more than that. The purpose of life is to literally be difficult so that we can be tested. Life is hard, we complain? Life IS hard. That's the whole point! Lately I've seen how the commandments show us the best way to navigate the difficulties life will always throw at us. After all, His way is the highest way. Meaning, He knows what is best for us. 

Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord". 

When I was young and my husband was courting me, I had questions about marital intimacy. I had questions about the law of chastity and why it was so important. It appeared that the only motivation I had to keep the law of chastity was so that I could marry my husband in the temple of the Lord. Another motivation would be to remain worthy of the Temple and therefore of God's blessings and worthy to be in his presence one day. Another motivation—the more textbook answer—would be I keep the commandments because I love God.

All of the excitement and anxieties of my impending marriage prompted me to look further into the law of chastity. As always,  when I have questions of the soul (which is sometimes just my fancy way of saying I was curious) I sought answers from God and the teachings of the prophets. From General Conference talks, BYU devotionals, and scriptures, I learnt about marital intimacy.

I learned that marital intimacy is more than just sex. If sex is comparable to the chute of a flute, then marital intimacy is the entirety of a grand orchestra (Sister Wendy Watson Nelson, Worldwide Devotional for Young Adults, "Love and Marriage", 2017). I learnt that Heavenly Father wants us to enjoy marital intimacy (The First Presidency And Council of The Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, "The Family, A Proclamation To The World", 1995). 

From the Book of Mormon, I learnt that breaking the law of chastity leads to heartbreak. This is true from what I've seen in real life. This is also true from what we watch and read in movies and literature -- the arts, after all, are a reflection of our reality.

The Nephites were chastised for breaking the law of chastity. 

Jacob 2: 35 

Behold, ye have done greater iniquities than the Lamanites, our brethren. Ye have broken the hearts of your tender wives, and lost the confidence of your children, because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against you. And because of the strictness of the word of God, which cometh down against you, many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds.

And so I was thus motivated to keep this commandment of God. 

As I mentioned before, the commandments are set to guide us in navigating this difficult earth life. I want to emphasise that keeping the commandments will not protect us from difficulty in life. My emphasis is that the commandments will help us during the hardships of life. The gospel of Jesus Christ is there for us. Repentance is there for us because Heavenly Father knew that we would always fall short. 

My new musings are inspired from a talk from Dallin H Oaks. He said that it's wrong to view commandments as a means to punishment (Elder Dallin H. Oaks, "Divine Helps for Mortality", 2025). 

Commandments are not there to punish us. We should not use the commandments to justify judging others. Commandments are not set so that we can sit, point and whisper behind backs about the people who failed to keep them. 

Recently I felt like I was judged so harshly and it honestly hurt so much. It hurt like someone had stolen $450 from me. Because funny enough, that is exactly what happened to me. I failed to wear my seatbelt properly in the car (heavens, it was photographed!) and when the fine came in the mail I was in complete denial at first. No way I would have done this! I have been to literal car accidents and deaths in my chosen career and I have children, for goodness sake. But seeing my stupid self in the passenger seat of the car not wearing the shoulder strap over my torso just made me feel so embarrassed! It was like a slap to the face. And it hurt so much that I had to pay the fine but I did. But I think what hurt more was when I confided in a friend about what happened and they laughed at me, outright mocking me for my own stupidity. That intensified my shame. 

I think that for the longest time I viewed commandments as something that was absolute. I think I have tendencies to really punish myself for being less than perfect in absolutely everything. I think I've been so hard to myself in the past-- and I don't mind sharing that I've never ever broken any big commandments. So why was I so hard on myself when I have literally been temple-worthy my entireeee life? 

I think I misunderstood the plan of salvation and the purpose of life. I was so hung up on following the letter and the spirit of the commandments that I based my own worth on how righteous I could be. But slowly, I am learning  that Jesus Christ's atonement was made because God knew we would make mistakes. This helps me remember to be kind to myself.

And by being kinder to myself, I can be kinder to you. So the next time someone metaphorically doesn't wear their seatbelt properly -- please don't mock them. They already pay the price of their sin, it's not our job to punish them more. 

My initial understanding of commandments ring true: God's commandments for us are motivated for his eternal love for us. Commandments protect us, do not restrict us. And as eloquently put by a talk I heard this morning from a young woman in my ward, "The world is full of guesses about happiness, worth and purpose. But Jesus is the Truth." 

And something I heard from an another young woman, "Everyone in the world is looking for light. That light is Jesus Christ." 

Earlier I said that breaking the law of chastity will always lead to heartbreak. But I did not mean that it will always be the ultimate end to breaking the commandment. The ultimate end should always be reconciliation with our Heavenly Father that leads to peace and happiness in the mending of a broken heart through repentance. Let it be known that I am a sinner and so are you and I am never here to judge you or anyone for our sins. In fact I am here to use this platform as a form of accountability of my way of thinking in the hopes that my perspectives will evolve. 

Dear reader, have you been using the concept of keeping or breaking commandments as a way to punish others?

Thank you for reading another blog entry from me. As always I'd love to hear your thoughts because I'm always looking to get the conversation going. I hope to create a safe space for people to connect and uplift one another.

Also, I skipped my blog entry last week. I'm sorry. It was a difficult week for me. 

lots of love,

Eliza. 

Powerlessness in parenting

 Dear readers 

Raising a second child has, unfortunately, made me realise how badly I’ve raised the first. Anyone else feel this way? “Practice child” they sometimes refer to the first child as — “practice.” 

I was on the phone with someone dear to me recently, having breakfast, or lunch (or brunch). Just vibing. Amongst the chatter, I suddenly hear, “Eliza, isn’t baby crying overstimulating for you? Doesn’t it bother you?” 

In this moment, I was eating and baby crying was more background noise from the nursery. I was kinda hoping he would self-soothe. That said, I have never heard a louder baby cry than this little guy right here — as I write this he is nursing. Power to parents who can multitask! 

This guys cries SO loudly. He was preterm baby but I swear he was born with a third lung or something because how can something so small produce such a LOUD noise? 

But the good thing about my second born is that he is so easy to settle. My first born was not. Allow me to share you a journal entry I wrote four years ago. (Note this baby is 4-5 months old in this journal entry.) 

~*~

~ July 2021

I’m so angry and snappy and irritated — and I always voice these irritations. 

Maybe it’s a defence mechanism. Because I know what it’s like to feel powerless. 

And when Ada cries it’s because she’s powerless. She’s powerless of speech, powerless of controlling her hands, she’s only just learnt weeks ago that she CAN control her hands. She’s powerless of the ability to feed herself. Of even putting her self to sleep. 

But when Ada cries, she’s communicating to me that she’s POWERLESS and she NEEDS me to help her. 

So I hold her. Even if it’s inconvenient and I’m trying to shop around and there’s. a. pram. I pick her up. 

Even if I’m in the middle of cooking or hanging the washing or vaccuming. I hold her with one arm on my hip and hope that as she grows bigger, my muscles will too, lol.

And in the car when she’s crying, I’ve even gone as far to pull over once or twice to make sure she’s okay. 

Otherwise, I talk to her. I tell her I love her. The best thing I could do if I can’t stop driving is to keep on assuring her that I love her, that I’m here for her, that I know she’s upset, that I want to hold her but I can’t right now. 

Sometimes, Mummy is powerless too. 

Sometimes Mummy is so powerless that she’s crying and crying and tired and hungry and if I only stopped to listen, stopped to kneel, stopped to pray… 

Maybe I would hear my Heavenly Mother telling me that I am loved, I am heard, and no one is around to hold me right now but I am never alone. 

~*~

About here I will now disclose that I have been diagnosed with post-natal depression. I’m so afraid to share this part of me but I also feel like we need to talk more openly about this. 

Guys, my post-natal depression was really bad. Sure it was during “Covid-times” and in 2021 there were at least two lockdowns that I can recall, meaning we weren’t allowed to leave the house and people were being fined for going out without purpose or without a mask. But that aside, I struggled so much with adjusting to be a parent. I mentally checked out for two hours sometimes while Ada just cried and cried and cried, just waiting for someone else to come and pick her up. 

I had someone who would come and try to help but this person required me to do things for them. So one day this person came to help (thank God! Or so I thought) and I went to my room and locked my door just trying to decrease the pressure rising up in my throat and building behind my eyes. It was all I could do to just literally hide under the covers of my bed and wish for the world to stop spinning. I felt hopeless and I needed everything to stop. After multiple unsuccessful attempts to order me to do things for them from behind the door, my support person managed to secure the still-crying baby in the bouncer, and left my house. This person literally never came back to my house ever again to mind my baby.

It doesn’t matter what I was supposed to be doing or if I was being … ungrateful. The point of this story is to give you insight into my post natal depression. How bad it was. I’m talking suicidal ideation, years of therapy, years of medications... Family nurses and community nurses raising red flags in their notes because maybe, just maybe —this was never outright confirmed to me— the baby was in danger of me. 

(Hello, Tresilian. Iykyk.)

Oh Eliza from four years ago. I do not envy you. 

My husband and I both agree that I am doing much better this time around. 

Yes baby crying is super overstimulating. But the baby is the real person who is powerless. 

When I first had the second baby, I found it sooooo difficult to navigate my relationship with Ada. I was in pain all the time, sleep deprived and always thirsty. I couldn’t sleep when I needed to, and wanted to sleep when I needed to be awake. I love her so much but the problem was I wasn’t looking after myself and I certainly wasn’t paying attention to my own feelings and emotions. It was like a flood gate that was filled to the brim and kept gushing through every time Ada came bouncing around. 

When I check in with my own emotions, I do do better though. 

I wonder what Powerful Parenting looks like? 

I suppose Powerful Parenting is literally any type of parenting. Because our parenting will always have a lasting impression on the child. 

It’s just up to us to make the impact good or bad. 

A lot of people ask me, “how is Ada doing with the little one?” 

And I often joke, “wonderful! She’s like a second mum.” 

Because she literally copies everything I do. (Except nap times darn it). 

So when my children don’t meet my expectations in life, they are watching my response. And in time, they will mimic my response to their family and friends and to each other. 

And that is it from me this week! 

So what’s your take on parenting? What literature or scripture forms your style of parenting? Books? Podcasts? 

Im your sponge, fill me up and I will happily squeeze out more revelations as I continue this blogging journey. 

Written with love,

Eliza. 

P.s. Shout out to my support person who has since been my number one cheerleader so to speak and our relationship is in a much better place. Life is a game and sometimes we’re thrown learning curves. I’m grateful for each moment. 

Fire of my soul

 Dear readers

It’s as if the universe is trying to teach me something about repentance. Im currently writing this, with a 4 month old baby asleep against my chest, while listening to the small, inner voice. What are you trying to tell me? What do I need to learn? 

Repentance is a crucial aspect of the doctrine of Christ. It is, in a way, the very purpose of life since repentance grants us entrance to one day reside in the highest of glories. 

Ask Past Eliza what she thought repentance is and her word bank may have been: 

Acknowledge / recognition

Be sorry / remorse / godly sorry 

Confess and forsake 

Restitution / make things right 

And then various other synonyms. 

Ask the Present Eliza what repentance means and I say:

Transformation.

Change. Change of Heart.

A cleansing of the soul. 

Inspired by a recent family home evening, I spent some time privately studying these words:

3 Nephi 12:1-2“Blessed are ye if ye shall give heed unto the words of these twelve whom I have chosen from among you to minister unto you, and to be your servants; and unto them I have given power that they may baptize you with water; and after that ye are baptized with water, behold, I will baptize you with fire and with the Holy Ghost; therefore blessed are ye if ye shall believe in me and be baptized, after that ye have seen me and know that I am.

Yea, blessed are they who shall believe in your words⁠, and come down into the depths of humility and be baptized, for they shall be visited with fire and with the Holy Ghost, and shall receive a remission of their sins.”

This is so great because when we are baptised, we are cleansed symbollically with water. And the second part of baptism that completes the ordinance is the baptism of fire! That is, the cleansing power and companionship of the Holy Ghost. This is a continuous cleanse that is enabled every week when we partake of the sacrament at Church and renew our covenants with God.

And in the guide to the scripture, “fire”—

A symbol for cleansing, purifying, or sanctifying. Fire can also serve as a symbol of God’s presence. 

To think that something so destructive has such beautiful powers of creation.

There’s a fantasy book series that has become my favourite. In it, an orphaned young apprentice witch sets out to make her mark in the world. She meets a prince (the prince is in disguise) and saved his life but in doing so she is captured and tortured. Her world is instantly shattered and besides growing up without any knowledge of who her parents may be, she now has unparalleled trauma that continues to shape her. 

She also discovers that she has a twin sister and is delighted. She loves her sister as her own flesh and blood. But she also discovers that her twin sister has married the prince-in-disguise because they fell in love in her absence. 

It is a harsh reality to live with. Meanwhile, upon discovering their ancestry, her twin sister learns how to fly. Stuff of legends, even in this story. All the while our witchling protagonist fails to pass The Test to become earn her title as a fully empowered witch. 

It would seem her twin sister has all the blessings. If they were trees, our protagonist would be bare and without any fruit, and her sister would be flourishing. 

Sometimes I do believe life can be just like that. Life is so unfair, it is one of the prerogatives of living on earth - nothing about our circumstances are perfectly fair no matter how hard we work to make it so. 

Spirit, dear spirit, why am I reminded of Isabeau’s story? Why does her pain resonate with me? 

Let me share something that’s been on my mind.

It occurs to me that I may be a completely different person than I was ten years ago. I was so young and naive and (hang on, I still am) I believed in a world that was black and white. Every single Thing had an Answer. Every single Scenario had a Right or Wrong response. I lived in such a tiny bubble and if you did not adhere to my principles then we possibly did not get along. And I am so sorry for that. My so-called principles which I thought were so righteous completely lacked any heart. Although technically correct, they were intrinsically wrong because none of it was motivated by my love for others. It was all motivated by what people thought of me — or even more dangerous — what I believed people ought to think of me. (Im sure there’s a great many self-help literature you may recommend to me and I’m open to it.) 

 So what’s changed? I guess you could say my refiner’s fire.

Going through my own life-threatening trauma because of medical emergencies had shattered that bubble so completely and so rapidly that it was like I did not know how to breathe anymore. I drowned in uncertainty in my disposition in life, apprehension, fear of the future and also I will confess: a deep depression that I still struggle with sometimes to this day. 

My refiners fire erased the person I was. And through it emerged the person I am now - the person that I still constantly try to cleanse through daily repentance. Deconstructing to build back up. Withering away to start anew. Burning the old to allow new growth. 

Repentance is change. It is a process of change. I’ve known this for a long time but tonight, as I write, I can feel this truth settle inside my soul. 

Change is scary and life can seem unfair. 

But change is also Good and life can be Beautiful. 

Isabeau’s powers eventually manifested in the most powerful of ways. Her strength in fire magic meant that she was sometimes irrational and compulsive. Her teacher and carer was a woodland witch who spoke the tongue of every animal in the forest. And so, Isabeau the Foundling became Isabeau the Shapeshifter. She had the ability to transform into any animal she can conceive of. Her talents in fire magic and her intrinsic understanding of its powers allowed her to tap into her greatest potential - the power to shapeshift at will. 

She learnt how to fly, I guess like her twin sister after all. 

And with this gift, she goes on to become a heroine that is Unstoppable.

My mission President once told me that I was like a gift. I just needed to keep on going and working and serving and one day the gift now would eventually unravel and I would be so pleased with the Person I Become. 

I am so grateful for that encouragement. I am so happy with my life right now (even though I wrestle with the catastrophic fear of it being taken away.) But I am so happy and I am so grateful that God is good.

I have gone through some soul-wrenching fiery trials. Some might agree just finishing a University is one of these trials, lol. And I have come through the other end of it, and if you have too - then yay. 

I know I’m not the only person in the world to go through such trials. We all have our own journeys. Even Isabeau’s twin sister, Iseult experienced heart break when she lost one of her children to childbirth. 

Whatever we are going through, please know that this isn’t the end. Each and every one of is the main character in our stories. We have the power the change. Change ourselves, change our circumstances, change our perspectives. And the power to repent allows us the companionship of the Holy Ghost— the best kind of companion we’d want on any quest life throws at us. 

May my heart be kind 

May my mind be fierce 

May my spirit be brave.

- The Witches of Eileanan by Kate Forsyth 

And should we be diligent in our quest to remain worthy of the spirit, of that refiners fire, perhaps we will receive this blessing:

“…and a mighty change was also wrought in their hearts, and they humbled themselves and put their trust in the true and living God. And behold, they were faithful until the end; therefore they were saved.” Alma 5:13 

Have you ever gone through a drastic change? A personality makeover? Has something rattled your soul to the point of completing changing your heart? If so, can you think of how the spirit was with you at the time? I invite you to ponder so.

Written with love,

Eliza. 

P.s. baby now asleep in crib.