Fire of my soul

 Dear readers

It’s as if the universe is trying to teach me something about repentance. Im currently writing this, with a 4 month old baby asleep against my chest, while listening to the small, inner voice. What are you trying to tell me? What do I need to learn? 

Repentance is a crucial aspect of the doctrine of Christ. It is, in a way, the very purpose of life since repentance grants us entrance to one day reside in the highest of glories. 

Ask Past Eliza what she thought repentance is and her word bank may have been: 

Acknowledge / recognition

Be sorry / remorse / godly sorry 

Confess and forsake 

Restitution / make things right 

And then various other synonyms. 

Ask the Present Eliza what repentance means and I say:

Transformation.

Change. Change of Heart.

A cleansing of the soul. 

Inspired by a recent family home evening, I spent some time privately studying these words:

3 Nephi 12:1-2“Blessed are ye if ye shall give heed unto the words of these twelve whom I have chosen from among you to minister unto you, and to be your servants; and unto them I have given power that they may baptize you with water; and after that ye are baptized with water, behold, I will baptize you with fire and with the Holy Ghost; therefore blessed are ye if ye shall believe in me and be baptized, after that ye have seen me and know that I am.

Yea, blessed are they who shall believe in your words⁠, and come down into the depths of humility and be baptized, for they shall be visited with fire and with the Holy Ghost, and shall receive a remission of their sins.”

This is so great because when we are baptised, we are cleansed symbollically with water. And the second part of baptism that completes the ordinance is the baptism of fire! That is, the cleansing power and companionship of the Holy Ghost. This is a continuous cleanse that is enabled every week when we partake of the sacrament at Church and renew our covenants with God.

And in the guide to the scripture, “fire”—

A symbol for cleansing, purifying, or sanctifying. Fire can also serve as a symbol of God’s presence. 

To think that something so destructive has such beautiful powers of creation.

There’s a fantasy book series that has become my favourite. In it, an orphaned young apprentice witch sets out to make her mark in the world. She meets a prince (the prince is in disguise) and saved his life but in doing so she is captured and tortured. Her world is instantly shattered and besides growing up without any knowledge of who her parents may be, she now has unparalleled trauma that continues to shape her. 

She also discovers that she has a twin sister and is delighted. She loves her sister as her own flesh and blood. But she also discovers that her twin sister has married the prince-in-disguise because they fell in love in her absence. 

It is a harsh reality to live with. Meanwhile, upon discovering their ancestry, her twin sister learns how to fly. Stuff of legends, even in this story. All the while our witchling protagonist fails to pass The Test to become earn her title as a fully empowered witch. 

It would seem her twin sister has all the blessings. If they were trees, our protagonist would be bare and without any fruit, and her sister would be flourishing. 

Sometimes I do believe life can be just like that. Life is so unfair, it is one of the prerogatives of living on earth - nothing about our circumstances are perfectly fair no matter how hard we work to make it so. 

Spirit, dear spirit, why am I reminded of Isabeau’s story? Why does her pain resonate with me? 

Let me share something that’s been on my mind.

It occurs to me that I may be a completely different person than I was ten years ago. I was so young and naive and (hang on, I still am) I believed in a world that was black and white. Every single Thing had an Answer. Every single Scenario had a Right or Wrong response. I lived in such a tiny bubble and if you did not adhere to my principles then we possibly did not get along. And I am so sorry for that. My so-called principles which I thought were so righteous completely lacked any heart. Although technically correct, they were intrinsically wrong because none of it was motivated by my love for others. It was all motivated by what people thought of me — or even more dangerous — what I believed people ought to think of me. (Im sure there’s a great many self-help literature you may recommend to me and I’m open to it.) 

 So what’s changed? I guess you could say my refiner’s fire.

Going through my own life-threatening trauma because of medical emergencies had shattered that bubble so completely and so rapidly that it was like I did not know how to breathe anymore. I drowned in uncertainty in my disposition in life, apprehension, fear of the future and also I will confess: a deep depression that I still struggle with sometimes to this day. 

My refiners fire erased the person I was. And through it emerged the person I am now - the person that I still constantly try to cleanse through daily repentance. Deconstructing to build back up. Withering away to start anew. Burning the old to allow new growth. 

Repentance is change. It is a process of change. I’ve known this for a long time but tonight, as I write, I can feel this truth settle inside my soul. 

Change is scary and life can seem unfair. 

But change is also Good and life can be Beautiful. 

Isabeau’s powers eventually manifested in the most powerful of ways. Her strength in fire magic meant that she was sometimes irrational and compulsive. Her teacher and carer was a woodland witch who spoke the tongue of every animal in the forest. And so, Isabeau the Foundling became Isabeau the Shapeshifter. She had the ability to transform into any animal she can conceive of. Her talents in fire magic and her intrinsic understanding of its powers allowed her to tap into her greatest potential - the power to shapeshift at will. 

She learnt how to fly, I guess like her twin sister after all. 

And with this gift, she goes on to become a heroine that is Unstoppable.

My mission President once told me that I was like a gift. I just needed to keep on going and working and serving and one day the gift now would eventually unravel and I would be so pleased with the Person I Become. 

I am so grateful for that encouragement. I am so happy with my life right now (even though I wrestle with the catastrophic fear of it being taken away.) But I am so happy and I am so grateful that God is good.

I have gone through some soul-wrenching fiery trials. Some might agree just finishing a University is one of these trials, lol. And I have come through the other end of it, and if you have too - then yay. 

I know I’m not the only person in the world to go through such trials. We all have our own journeys. Even Isabeau’s twin sister, Iseult experienced heart break when she lost one of her children to childbirth. 

Whatever we are going through, please know that this isn’t the end. Each and every one of is the main character in our stories. We have the power the change. Change ourselves, change our circumstances, change our perspectives. And the power to repent allows us the companionship of the Holy Ghost— the best kind of companion we’d want on any quest life throws at us. 

May my heart be kind 

May my mind be fierce 

May my spirit be brave.

- The Witches of Eileanan by Kate Forsyth 

And should we be diligent in our quest to remain worthy of the spirit, of that refiners fire, perhaps we will receive this blessing:

“…and a mighty change was also wrought in their hearts, and they humbled themselves and put their trust in the true and living God. And behold, they were faithful until the end; therefore they were saved.” Alma 5:13 

Have you ever gone through a drastic change? A personality makeover? Has something rattled your soul to the point of completing changing your heart? If so, can you think of how the spirit was with you at the time? I invite you to ponder so.

Written with love,

Eliza. 

P.s. baby now asleep in crib.