The Unwanted

Dear readers

Please don't be put-off by this topic. If you know me, then you need to know this. If you love me, then accept it.

Anxiety and depression are real.

And lately, they are my unwanted bed companions.

You know, it's really easy to go about my day and life with a front. Hard working. Happy. Organised.

And it's really hard to go to bed where the anxieties catch up to me like a strong wave finally crashing on the shores.

And unfortunately for me, that's what I've been experiencing lately.

Unwanted in a different perspective: I always suspected that this beautiful pup had separation anxiety. We first met him when he was 8 weeks old, fresh in the pet store with all of his siblings. Five weeks later, he was still there, in another pen with a different breed of puppies. All of his siblings had already been sold. He was the oldest and largest puppy in the whole store. If we hadn't come in to adopt him, well, I don't know what pet stores do with unwanted puppies.
Oh, and he sleeps really well, I envy him, lol.

It's not always like this--sometimes I have genuinely good days and I can fall asleep with sweet dreams.

I started seeking professional help in 2018. These unwanted burdens started to really get out of hand. After perhaps two sessions of listening to me talk, the psychologist shared me her insights. She said that she believes my brain had been trying to tell me that I was unhappy for a long time, but I chose to ignore it. So then my brain was driving me over the edge in an effort to make my mind see that I needed help, or change, or something to make me feel secure again. And now that my mind was listening, I could discuss with myself - why am I feeling this way? What am I willing to change about my lifestyle, or feelings, or setting, or attitude, in order to sleep at night?

In terms of curing my mental health, I don't know. But I know I'll get there, so don't you worry about me.

In terms of finding spiritual peace; I know how to achieve that.

You know when I was at the tender age of thirteen, I decided to kneel down and pray and ask God if the Book of Mormon was indeed true. I knelt by my bedside one evening, said the most sincerest prayer I had ever said in my life, and then waited quietly for an answer. It wasn't long until my young impressionable mind was completely bombarded with racing trails of thoughts that seemed to have no closure.

But I had faith, so I remained still.

And it wasn't long until my mind quietened (there really is no other way to describe it), and the spirit spoke peace to my soul. I felt and heard the words so clearly in my mind: Eliza, you already know it is true.

I suppose that's why I open the Book of Mormon during the times of my life that I've felt troubled by something -- even if it's seemingly unrelated to what I'm going through.

Tonight, I share with you the wise and prophetic words of prophet Jacob from the Book of Mormon, who was Nephi's younger brother, and felt motivated to speak to the Nephites and preach to them.

O the greatness of the mercy of our God ... For he delivereth his saints from that awful monster the devil, and death, and hell ... which is endless torment.

For someone who can barely function during the day, which feels like something close to endless torment because it's an endless cycle, I really want to know more about what Jacob is trying to teach.

O how great the holiness of our God! For he knoweth all things, and there is not anything save he knows it. 

If God knows what I am going through, he better know the solution. If I may amend that to something better, since God knows what I am going through, I ought to ask him to help me find the solution. And one better: I ought to ask him to help me find the strength in this trial, even if it means that it will never go away.

And he cometh into the world that he may save all men if they will hearken unto his voice; for behold, he suffereth the pains--my pains?--of all men, yea the pains of every living creature, both men, women, and children, who belong to the family of Adam.

In institute, which is a gospel-study class for young adults aged 18-30, I felt the spirit tell me that I need to be more grateful. More specifically, we were taught that saying our prayers and thanking Heavenly Father for the things we are grateful for inspires us to show more gratitude.

Behold, my beloved brethren, remember the words of your God; pray unto him continually by day, and give thanks unto his holy name by night. Let your hearts rejoice. 

Anxiety and depression are real. Like every other trial and bad thing on this earth, it tests us, hurts us, to make us stronger. And we can only receive our full potential (not in this life, but also in the life to come) if we choose today to "hearken unto his voice."

Our trials are unwanted. But, fortunately for us, God wants us to succeed, and will give us every tool we need to be champions. If we ask him for it.

I hope we're still okay, you and me, dear reader. This doesn't change anything, I'm still the same girl you know and love. I might just be a little loopy and tired because of unwanted bed companions, lol.

Written with love,

Eliza.

February Fast

Dear readers

This month I wanted to fast for something specific. I wanted to fast for something because it was one of my goals this year to use this blog as a platform to record the every day miracles that happen in my very ordinary (perhaps even uneventful, lol) life. 

I Feel My Saviour's Love

So as of last night and today, I had been fasting that the Oakhurst ward primary children will feel the love of the Saviour. 

It's funny how things work out without me really planning it. Our primary music leader taught the children his particular hymn: I Feel My Savior's Love. 

There were two other songs that we had planned to sing that today, but that was the song that she decided to focus on. These are the lyrics of the first verse.

I feel my Savior's love

In all the world around me.

His Spirit warms my soul

Through ev'rything I see.

He knows I will follow him

Give all my life to him.

I feel my Savior's love

The love he freely gives me.

I love this hymn. However, during music time, I was too busy writing down the lyrics of the next song to really be in the moment and I regret that. Sometimes, we just need to sit down and stop worrying instead of trying to plan ahead. Only then can we access the blessings that the Lord is waiting to pour on us.

The Story of the Liahona 

I also had the opportunity to teach the Valiant 9-10 girls today about the story of the Liahona. There were only three of them. I was quite proud of myself because today I realised that I wasn't stressed about learning their names, because I already knew them.  I think the Spirit must've brought it into my remembrance. They all feel connected to me. One of them called me sister Magallanes, which is my maiden/missionary title. Which was funny because I'm actually sister Mckellar now, but that's okay, lol, they'll get to know me better.

After I had them help me tell the story of the Liahona, I emphasised to them that the Liahona was a ball of compass that only worked if Lehi and his family was obedient. And the same applies to us; the Spirit is like our Liahona that will guide us the right path if we are obedient to God's commandments.

This young sister shared a little story about how grateful she was to me. She said that she really likes me teaching. She shared an experience about something that happened not too long ago. If I understood correctly, she had been given a Book of Mormon stories book as a gift and was reading it out loud to herself. She said that her mum was listening and asked her what Nephi meant by "I will go and do." She told me that she was able to explain to her mum what it means because of the lessons that I've been teaching to her at church. I was so touched, because I must admit that I had no idea that she was really taking the primary lessons to heart and applying them, and teaching them to others. I was so moved. I didn't even realise that my confidence in myself was fading until this little girl boosted it for me. But the Lord knew how I was feeling. And the Lord delivered a gift to me.

Another young sister shared an experience about how through her example and inviting her cousins to come to church, her auntie also desired to come to church. I told her that that's exactly what the Liahona is all about! It is about listening to the spirit who is our Guide to help us to do absolutely anything the Lord would have us do, to go anywhere the Lord would have us go, to say what the Lord would have us say. I told her that because of her obedience and diligence in choosing the right, she was able to bring her cousins and auntie to church.

And the third girl spoke as well. She's so quite that everyone, even the girls sitting right beside her, needs to lean towards and strain ears to hear her speak. She said that every morning before school her mother gathers the family to pray. And that every night that read from the scriptures in their language and pray together before going to bed. I was so happy to hear that this little girl and her family are holding the strongest family tradition. After all: A family that prays together, stays together.

Let me tell you that today had so many hiccups. And definitely things did not go as expected, as always. Yet I believe because of the power of fasting, I was able to fulfil and magnify my calling to the absolute fullest according to my capabilities. I believe that the primary children truly felt loved today. You know how I know? Because I felt and saw God's hand in my life today.

Written with love,

Eliza.