The Unwanted

Dear readers

Please don't be put-off by this topic. If you know me, then you need to know this. If you love me, then accept it.

Anxiety and depression are real.

And lately, they are my unwanted bed companions.

You know, it's really easy to go about my day and life with a front. Hard working. Happy. Organised.

And it's really hard to go to bed where the anxieties catch up to me like a strong wave finally crashing on the shores.

And unfortunately for me, that's what I've been experiencing lately.

Unwanted in a different perspective: I always suspected that this beautiful pup had separation anxiety. We first met him when he was 8 weeks old, fresh in the pet store with all of his siblings. Five weeks later, he was still there, in another pen with a different breed of puppies. All of his siblings had already been sold. He was the oldest and largest puppy in the whole store. If we hadn't come in to adopt him, well, I don't know what pet stores do with unwanted puppies.
Oh, and he sleeps really well, I envy him, lol.

It's not always like this--sometimes I have genuinely good days and I can fall asleep with sweet dreams.

I started seeking professional help in 2018. These unwanted burdens started to really get out of hand. After perhaps two sessions of listening to me talk, the psychologist shared me her insights. She said that she believes my brain had been trying to tell me that I was unhappy for a long time, but I chose to ignore it. So then my brain was driving me over the edge in an effort to make my mind see that I needed help, or change, or something to make me feel secure again. And now that my mind was listening, I could discuss with myself - why am I feeling this way? What am I willing to change about my lifestyle, or feelings, or setting, or attitude, in order to sleep at night?

In terms of curing my mental health, I don't know. But I know I'll get there, so don't you worry about me.

In terms of finding spiritual peace; I know how to achieve that.

You know when I was at the tender age of thirteen, I decided to kneel down and pray and ask God if the Book of Mormon was indeed true. I knelt by my bedside one evening, said the most sincerest prayer I had ever said in my life, and then waited quietly for an answer. It wasn't long until my young impressionable mind was completely bombarded with racing trails of thoughts that seemed to have no closure.

But I had faith, so I remained still.

And it wasn't long until my mind quietened (there really is no other way to describe it), and the spirit spoke peace to my soul. I felt and heard the words so clearly in my mind: Eliza, you already know it is true.

I suppose that's why I open the Book of Mormon during the times of my life that I've felt troubled by something -- even if it's seemingly unrelated to what I'm going through.

Tonight, I share with you the wise and prophetic words of prophet Jacob from the Book of Mormon, who was Nephi's younger brother, and felt motivated to speak to the Nephites and preach to them.

O the greatness of the mercy of our God ... For he delivereth his saints from that awful monster the devil, and death, and hell ... which is endless torment.

For someone who can barely function during the day, which feels like something close to endless torment because it's an endless cycle, I really want to know more about what Jacob is trying to teach.

O how great the holiness of our God! For he knoweth all things, and there is not anything save he knows it. 

If God knows what I am going through, he better know the solution. If I may amend that to something better, since God knows what I am going through, I ought to ask him to help me find the solution. And one better: I ought to ask him to help me find the strength in this trial, even if it means that it will never go away.

And he cometh into the world that he may save all men if they will hearken unto his voice; for behold, he suffereth the pains--my pains?--of all men, yea the pains of every living creature, both men, women, and children, who belong to the family of Adam.

In institute, which is a gospel-study class for young adults aged 18-30, I felt the spirit tell me that I need to be more grateful. More specifically, we were taught that saying our prayers and thanking Heavenly Father for the things we are grateful for inspires us to show more gratitude.

Behold, my beloved brethren, remember the words of your God; pray unto him continually by day, and give thanks unto his holy name by night. Let your hearts rejoice. 

Anxiety and depression are real. Like every other trial and bad thing on this earth, it tests us, hurts us, to make us stronger. And we can only receive our full potential (not in this life, but also in the life to come) if we choose today to "hearken unto his voice."

Our trials are unwanted. But, fortunately for us, God wants us to succeed, and will give us every tool we need to be champions. If we ask him for it.

I hope we're still okay, you and me, dear reader. This doesn't change anything, I'm still the same girl you know and love. I might just be a little loopy and tired because of unwanted bed companions, lol.

Written with love,

Eliza.