The Little Things

Initially written in January 2020.

Dear readers 

We all have weaknesses, and this is one of mine. When I called to be Oakhurst Ward Primary President, it was the first time in my life that I had deliberations on being extended a calling, because of this particular weakness.

I'm a very nervous person. When I feel something, I feel it strongly. It's part of my charm, I'm sure, but it's also a very strong weakness.

The member of the bishopric asked me how I felt about being extended this calling, and I have to tell you, I just did not know how to put into words that my high anxieties may prevent me from serving to the best of my capacity. I told him I was very forgetful, which is true.

He said to me, "Well, things these are easily fixed. For example, if you are forgetful, you could write things down so that you don't forget." And that, to me, was like an epiphany. I made plans in my head to get a weekly planner going again this year, write down the kid's birthdays, do this and that to be organised for primary, etc. I made plans to create my own personal goals for primary, and then sharing with my counsellors (who I hadn't called yet) exactly how we were going to achieve those.

And I felt good about it. It felt right. I told him my sister was a primary president. He said "Now I know we made the right choice." And I felt peace.

When I was asked to give a talk on Sunday, it was the first time that I ever felt nervous about giving a talk. I was clutched in the hands of anxiety, worried that I might say something wrong or something completely useless, or that I won't be spiritually equipped to speak by the power of the spirit. I have made all these mistakes before in public settings, and I did not want to taint my own new reputation as a very young and inexperienced primary president.

When I asked God, "why me?" it was not because I was complaining- it was because I was completely baffled. It was my 24th birthday when I was extended the calling, but I still felt like I was only still very young, I still felt (feel) like I haven't accomplished much in life. No degree, no full-time job, no babies, not even a completed tertiary education of any kind, no real travel adventures (er, missions don't count-pr maybe they do), practically no life experiences that makes me "qualify" to become an ecclesiastical leader on this level. But I know that callings are prayerfully considered before extended, particularly this one, because children may be the most difficult to look after. And I know that when the Lord agrees with your prayerful decision, He lets you know. In other words, as baffling as it is, the Lord did choose me to serve His children this way, and I may have a personal revelation to this answer which I won't divulge here, respectfully.

To every weakness, I believe there is an underlying strength. Similar to how opposites work together to make one unified front, I believe that to every weakness there is a strength. And to every strong quality we have, there is a weakness. I am a very forgetful person, I forget names, birthdays, faces. I forget conversations and tend to repeat myself over and over again, which you know, Lawrence just loves, lol. But you know what I am good at? 

I'm forgetful, yes, but I'm good at being thoughtful. I'm good at being sincere, I'm good at showing kindness and love. I may just forget your name. And...

I'm good at writing, lol. Not necessarily good as in "novel writing" or "professional please hire me" writing--although I wouldn't mind selling a book one day. But I mean, I write A LOT. 

In addition to this blog which I update weekly, I keep a personal journal. A lot of things that I mention on my blog, are filtered down cut-down versions of events and thoughts I've already written in my journal. I also keep a daily planner, a creative writing journal, and I annotate my study materials for scripture reading frequently. I also use the same journal to rewrite scriptures or principles of scripture that are soul-catching. Is that a lot of writing? That's sounds like a lot of writing to me. I suppose I love words as a way to compose my thoughts, to express myself, to help me remember and reminisce the good, bad, triumphs and regrets of my life. 

My anxieties have brought on a hidden talent that I'm sharing with the world through this blog.

It's the little things that counts towards my eternal progression. 

And I think the Lord knew this about me even when I was young. I'm not sure how the Spirit works for you, because although the principles are the same, it is fine-tuned to every person. When God communicates with me, when I ask God a specific prayer, He will answer it in words. And they are usually little words, too, not long scriptures or general conference talks. My personal revelation comes to me in words that enter into my mind, as if a person had whispered it into my mind and heart and it is quiet but it is all that I can hear because all other thoughts are gone. 

When I was young and wanted to know if the Book of Mormon was true, I was told, "Eliza, you already know it is true." 

One time I was on my mission, fasting with my companion, and while walking around, my companion said she thought we should change the plans and proselyte elsewhere. We took further steps forward and I was told by the Spirit, "Go this way." We taught a man outside his house. He received the first vision with seriousness, (you know they are listening when they ask questions to clarify the story), I asked this man, "Why did you agree to listen to us today?" And he said, "I had just asked God if he was there, and there you were, telling me that you had a message from Him, so I wanted to listen."

When I asked Heavenly Father if it was a good idea to meet my future husband in another state that I've never been to before, I was told "Why not?" And off I went.

When I asked God if I should marry Lawrence, he said, "Yes, but not yet." And so I waited until Lawrence proposed to me. And furthermore, I let him decide on an long engagement, because I knew that God wanted me to wait a little longer.

When we lost our first pregnancy, I visited the temple for answers and direction. I asked Heavenly Father if I should start trying again. He didn't really answer me. I was told, "Faith over fear." And that was exactly the right answer for me.

I'm not the best leader I've seen. I'm not the most spiritual person, not the most obedient or the most diligent. But I want you to know, that I am confident that I am trying my best. One mistake after another, one step at a time. And celebrating the little things.

Written with love,

Eliza.