Unravelling the Gift

Dear readers,

First day of a new year, new decade, new beginnings.

Unravelling the Gift

My mission president once told me that he knew that I was a great missionary. He said that I was like a gift with a big bow and something was so precious and priceless inside. He said that the bow would take time to loosen and that the gift won't unwrap straight away. He told me that he can't wait to see what gifts I had inside.

                                     

Maybe, the spirit whispers to me, maybe this year my gifts will unravel.

This year, with this blog, I am going to actively FIND those gifts and CREATE those miracles.

On my birthday two weeks ago, I turned 24. I also got called to be Oakhurst Ward’s Primary President. This means myself with two assistants, or counsellors, and a secretary organise the children of my church congregation into classes, assign adult teachers, train said adult teachers, and also organise music time each Sunday. There’s a lot more to it, but I won't bore you with details.

What’s most amazing is the Lord’s trust in me to do this calling. I had no idea that I was capable of being a leader of this capacity, until my 24th birthday when this call was extended to me.

So many women in the ward have given me their support. Mostly privately, some in passing. Every time one of these women have spoken to me, I feel that little bit more confident. Yes, I can do this. 

Losing a Gift

Not everyone knows this, but Lawrence and I have been unsuccessful in having a child. I've had two cases of ectopic pregnancies in 2019. 

For those who don't know, an ectopic pregnancy is practically a pregnant woman's worst nightmare. The fertilised egg, alive and growing, is alive and growing in the wrong place. Most of the cases, it is in the fallopian tube and never reaches the uterus/womb. Please note, it is impossible to recover the baby. By the time the baby is large enough to be detected by an ultrasound, it is too late to do anything other than remove it. To explain the implications of this situation I will put it this way: if the fertilised egg is allowed to grow where it is, it will rupture that part of the body, cause a painful internal bleeding, and mother will not survive without medical and surgical intervention. 

And on July 28, 2019, that is what happened to me. I was due for my first (6 week) ultrasound the next morning, but that night, I felt inexplicable pain. Have you ever felt a pain rated 10/10? I have. 10/10 pain feels like you're dying, and that's what I was, dying. The fertilised egg, perhaps the size of a blueberry, had ruptured inside my right fallopian tube, resulting in internal bleeding, and a lot of pain. I lost consciousness twice when the paramedics came.

At the hospital, I was rushed to the operating theatre from the emergency department. For the first week after that operation, I couldn't even feel the loss of my baby because all I could feel was the physical pain. The hurt, the loss, the pain ... It was the hardest trial of my life.

After weeks of sadness, medical advice, and a trip to the temple, I felt inspired to try again. I didn't want my fears to get the better of me. I was prompted to have faith in the Lord's will, not to fear it. And I chose to be happy.

A digital print I bought online while recovering from my first laparascopy.
Check out Aeryn&Eden and support a local business.

The second case happened on my husband's birthday, 14th November. I went to my 6 week ultrasound and the fertilised egg was again in the wrong place. They told me it was a left cornual ectopic pregnancy. It was positioned at the "lip" of the fallopian tube meeting the uterus, and was a case where I would most likely lose my remaining fallopian tube. I was preparing for the possibility of needing IVF to ever conceive again. At least this time, by God's grace, I didn't even feel any pain. When I went to the hospital, my doctors told me that this surgical procedure was more precarious than the last, that if they couldn't stop the bleeding of my uterus after cutting the fertilised egg out, they would have to perform a cesarean-like cut and remove the womb altogether. Imagine going into a surgery believing that you could never conceive naturally ever again, that you might wake up without your womb altogether. Let me tell you, I was scared, but more than my fear, I had faith that I would be okay. I knew with all my heart, lying on that hospital bed, that my Heavenly Father loves me, and that absolutely nothing could ever remove my love and faith in Him. I was ready to live the rest of my life without the ability to make a child. By miracles of all miracles, I woke up with my remaining fallopian tube still intact, and with extremely limited incisions into my womb. Turns out, two expert radiographers analysed the images wrong, and the fertilised egg had somehow travelled to the right side of my uterus (not left) where there wasn't a fallopian tube. My remaining tube was never in any danger. My uterus was in limited risk of bleeding out. This second laparoscopy didn't even cause me much pain. (Yet because they did cut into my womb, however small, I was advised to hold off trying to conceive for at least another 9 to 12 months

I want that to really sink into my reader today: I was willing, and still am God will's be done, to live my life without the ability to have a child. Having faith is loving and trusting God even when he's allowing certain things to happen to you. Throughout this whole ordeal, I have never been, and will never be bitter with God because of my experiences. On the contrary, I praise Him and am grateful for these experiences. I have learnt gratitude for my health and body, gratitude for my life, and empathy towards everyone. I have learnt to be kinder to absolutely everybody, even the angry people, especially the people that are hard to get along with, because they have their own journey, just as I am having mine.

I know that I made the right decision, even though it happened a second time. I know that I did because I made a righteous decision that Heavenly Father is proud of. And at the end of each day, that's all that matters to me: whether or not I made choices that God will be happy with.

And if you've made it reading this far, thank you for reading my story. If you know me, you'll know that I live in Australia. My country is currently under a natural disaster, bush fires, larger than I've think we've ever faced, are raging across our lands, homes, destroying everything in its path. They say that the koalas may become extinct after the fires die down. Who knows what else we might lose? And the end of summer is still two months away. It's so sad. Anyone reading this, if you have the power to help the world, do so. Please join me in  a prayerful fast for two meals on January 5th, donating a generous amount to this cause. For those not members of my faith, this website may help you donate to an organisation of your choice. 

When we fast and pray on the first Sunday of the year, let's petition the Lord for relief from the fires, for peace amongst individuals, families and communities affected, and for the animals and wildlife to survive.

Written with love, 

Eliza Mckellar

We went to Taronga Zoo for Lawrence's birthday. $1 birthday ticket, yay lol.