The Sproodle Sprawl

Dear readers 

*cue sneeze* 

Ugh. It's really hard to write about something uplifting when I feel so sick. This is perhaps the third entry now that I've drafted. My first attempts just didn't seem right. Like I'd be selling a version of myself that isn't authentic to how I'm really feeling. 

So I've dedicated this post to the one thing that never fails to make me happy: Bilbo.

The Sproodle Sprawl 

Bilbo sleeping in his favourite position which we call "The Sproodle Sprawl"

For those who don't know, Bilbo is my furbaby. He is a 1.5 year old sproodle (springer spaniel x poodle) who loves me very, very much. Even as I write this, bedridden, Bilbo sleeps at the bottom of my bed, apparently not caring about anything else happening in the house, not even what Ella is eating for dinner. He loves me, you see, and I love him soo much. 

I love him so much, that I never eat my dinner before his. I always make sure he has his dinner before I eat, even if I've just come home and I'm tired and hungry. Because Bilbo can't make his food, and it's just not fair to make him watch me eat.

Uh-oh. Bilbo and I have just been discovered by Daisy, the little pup. There she goes, licking my computer screen. Sigh. It's obvious she's been looking for us.

Anyway. When I was living in Adelaide, I used to feel lonely all the time. Quite literally, a lot of my time was spent alone, even some nights when Lawrence had to work night shifts. To this day, being home alone gives me anxiety. My most worst feelings and experiences have come out of those moments. 

So Bilbo came into our lives, and now, I quite literally, am never alone. I can't tell you what a blessing it is to have a dog. And not just any dog, but to have Bilbo. He makes it his job to always know where I am in the house. When he was a young puppy, he used to cry when he saw me putting my socks on. Because he knows that means that I'll be putting on shoes and going out. (I just always tell him, "Bilbo, mummy has to go out right now. Mummy doesn't want to go out, mummy would always rather be with Bilbo. Every moment mummy is away from you, mummy wishes Bilbo was with her.") It kinda feels really amazing to be so loved like that. 

So ever since he was young, Bilbo has made it a mission to always know where I am in the house. It's not unlikely to hear a scratching/knocking noise at my bathroom door. Or for him to open the door completely and just ... accompany me and have a sleep while I have a shower. lol. 

And then Daisy, my Dad's little puppy, came into the picture, and now I have two little shadows around the house. And life has only gotten better with the two of them around. 

It's really easy to feel comfortable at home by myself nowadays ... to the point that sometimes it's all that I want, lol. Just me and my dog. 

Too Much of Anything is Bad For You 

When I was younger, my older sibling once told me that "too much of anything is bad for you," which is a tip that I've since given to my little sister. It is good to want to achieve good things, it is good to have things in moderation. But there is such a thing of too much, for example, serving too much, especially when it leads to burn out. Which has happened to me many times before, and may very well be the reason why I'm sick today. 

I literally had every single waking hour planned during the last  Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and even Monday which was a public holiday. All of which went to kaput during a meltdown Friday night which led to me cancelling at least three of my plans. I cancelled almost all the plans that had something to do with putting others before myself, and I ended up keeping the plans that I wanted to do for myself. Like I rescheduled early-morning plans to do something for primary because that had nothing to do with myself, but I kept my dinner party plans because that had everything to do with me having fun.

Before I became a missionary, and while I was preparing, I studied the life and ministry of the Saviour Jesus Christ. You know what I discovered? That the Lord used his time very productively. Every account is of him teaching, serving, performing a miracle, praying, fasting, healing, etc. And as a missionary, I wanted so much to be like him. And I accomplished that. If you follow the mission rules, you automatically spend your time productively. Literally, every waking hour of my day as a missionary was spent towards the service of others. Even my own personal study hour was spent studying the scriptures looking for answers to questions and concerns of others. I worked hard. I worked smart. What made this humanly possible, I am still not sure. Probably because it was my calling to do this and whomever the Lord calls, the Lord magnifies. And yet, although I keep trying to go back to my missionary lifestyle, I think the Spirit is telling me that I really need to lead the kind of healthy lifestyle that not only serves others, but also serves me. How interesting is that?

I think that maybe for the first time in my life, I've had to say no to going out of my way to serve someone (someone I hardly know, actually, literally never met). And I do not feel the one bit guilty at all. Just to repeat that, I did not feel guilty for saying no. I actually, truthfully, felt at peace.

It would have been too much. And that is absolutely okay, even with the Lord. I felt it in my mind and in my heart, angels be witness.

The Saviour was asked multiple times to come to Lazarus' aid at once, to heal him, to save him. But the Saviour was ministering to a different crowd of people at the time. Even the Saviour had to "say no" in his own way. This account always left an impression on me, because it is perhaps the only account we have where the Lord did not immediately do the miracle-thing he does in every other account. He takes his time. Three days, I think it was. 

I think it is absolutely fine to serve others as often as we can, but it is also okay to say no especially if our efforts are needed elsewhere, which in my case, it was. And just like how Lazarus was okay in the end, the people that apparently needed me were also okay in the end. It worked out without my assistance. I also believe that since we are only human, we have to obey the commandment to be organised in every needful thing. 

Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God. (Doctrine and Covenants 88:119).

And I think this scripture means that we have to look after our own house, even our own bodies which house our eternal spirit. 

Meh, that's the end of this post. I'm still kinda confused about my message; but basically it's this. From now on, I'm going to do better to put myself and my wellbeing first, so then afterwards I can have the strength and capacity to serve others.

My other message to you is to. I love my dog. 

(Daisy, sigh, just kinda sat on my laptop. She's a puppy, but she's growing, so she's getting used to her new size.)

But seriously, Bilbo has improved my lifestyle so much. And not just because he's really cute and well-behaved and cuddly. But because I've also had to raise him that way, and that pride and effort and hard work has matured me too.

I mean. Life is hard. But Bilbo is really cute, so why give up? 

Written with love,

Eliza.

Kinder Surprise

Dear readers

Do you like surprises? I love surprises. Particularly Kinder Surprises. $2.20 is perhaps not worth the amount of hollow chocolate that we buy for in Kinder Surprises, but the real value is what's inside. 

The best surprise I ever had was on Valentines Day 2017, when Lawrence came all the way up from Adelaide to where I lived in Sydney and surprised me at the door. My mum had me get the door pretending it was the mailman. I was so happy to see Lawrence, who also came with his parents, that I screamed NO in disbelief. There is footage of this buried somewhere...

One day, but not today or any time soon, I should like to surprise you all with news that I’m expecting. I can’t wait to lie to your faces and then tell you the truth on social media. Mwahaha.

For every surprise that I’ve had in life, big or small, I’ve found that the Lord prepares me for it. He surprised me by calling me to the land of my parents birth for my mission. He surprised me when Lawrence proposed to me. He surprised me when I was first expecting, and then again when I tragically lost my baby...

I promise you that for each of these instances, the Lord prepared me for it.

With my new calling as primary president I am being surprised a lot. I think it doesn’t matter how much I prepare, how many meetings I have, how much paper I print, something always happens to keep me on my toes. Such as absent teachers. And 9 year olds who can't read. Little children who don't know where their classroom is. And runners. Who wants to run away from primary class? Apparently five year old so and so. Why though? Can I run away from primary, too? Lol, just kidding. Promise, I’m joking. 

But even when unexpected things happen, and they always do in life, the spirit prepares me for it.

When I lost my baby, it was sad. It was so sad. But I had my family, I had my mum. I really needed my mum at the time that I lost my baby.

I'd like to think that perhaps this incident was one of the many reasons Lawrence felt so inspired to take me back to Sydney after almost one year living in the Adelaide Hills. The Lord knew that I would need my Mum, need the quick access to emergency surgery, need to be with my family.

The Lord also prepared me spiritually. It sounds awful to say and I don’t want anyone to think that this necessarily applies to them, but I know now that the Lord knew that I was strong enough to go through with it.

Unfinished drawing I started whilst recovering the second laparoscopy.

My after-surgery pains were so bad that they moved me to another ward so I could scream there and hopefully be more comfortable. Lol. I didn’t feel strong, I just wanted the pain to go away, I asked for  priesthood blessings, I asked for my mum to pray. When that didn’t work, I asked for Lawrence to pray. I just wanted it to all stop. And not even Lawrence praying and asking God to relieve me of the pain worked. That's when I knew that I had to pray.

I’ve been told that I have a gift in praying. It’s strange to think that praying is a skill of some kind, but my mission president said that he loved to hear me pray. And when I knelt down by my hospital bed, the Spirit whispered to me to say my prayer out loud. 

It’s a gift perhaps that saved me that day. Not because I prayed for the pain to go away, but because I listened to the Spirit to know what God wanted of me. And then I prayed for the strength and courage (mainly courage) to withstand how much hurt I was feeling...For the atonement of Jesus Christ to lend me courage that I knew I didn’t have. And He granted. He gave me willpower. And I calmed down. And when I lost my baby for a second time, I wasn’t afraid of after surgery pains. I knew that I could go through it again. Thankfully though, I didn’t have any pains the second time. (Shoulder tip pains are supposedly reduced post-surgery if you move more and walk around. So I made the extra effort to do that the second time round.)

200 years ago, a young man named Joseph Smith felt inspired to pray and ask God which religion he should join. 1820s America was a time of religious freedoms and religious excitement. Perhaps confusing for a young man with a sincere desire to join the church that best represented the original gospel, particularly since all churches have different teachings and different point of doctrines on many things. Isn’t it amazing how the Lord prepared the world to accept His restored gospel? Joseph Smith went into the woods to pray, his first ever outspoken prayer, to ask God which church he should join, when God the Father Himself and His son Jesus Christ came down to answer his question. 

Dear readers, prayers work. I know this is true. But not in the way most people believe. If we pray for world peace, it won't happen tomorrow. And it won't happen at all unless we work towards it. And even then, we could pray for what we believe is the most needed, most holy and worthy thing in the world, but it won't happen until God wills it - and even when it is confirmed that He does want things for us, it will happen in His time, not ours. So every time life throws me a surprise, and there are a lot, I will embrace it, I will look for its value, and I will try not to fall a part.

Written with love,

Eliza Mckellar

Little Women

Dear readers

Have you ever known someone to have progressed so well in life that it's almost miraculous? Can you compare yourself to 2 years ago, 10 years ago, and say that you have indeed changed for the better?

Recently I enjoyed the 2019 movie Little Women with my mother-in-law while staying in Melbourne. 

If you haven't seen the movie or read the book, I highly recommend it. This post has no spoilers, so even if you haven't I hope you feel the gist of what I talk about.

It is a very moving, emotional, and beautifully made film that goes through the joys, miracles, and sorrows that life brings. Anyone with a family, I think, would feel something during this movie. To hold your dear ones a little closer, to forgive faster, to love dearer. And to allow life's challenges to help you change. One of my church leaders used to always say, a diamond is never a diamond without friction. And I'd like to say, that progression is never going to happen without trials. Particularly, character progression.

I learnt so much in myself by watching the progressing character of Jo March. Anyone with a sibling would know what it is like to quarrel. I remember when my siblings and I would have disagreements we'd start to gang up against each other, it'd last a day or so, and then we'd forget about it. And now as I write this, I cannot remember any of the reasons as to why we did fight as kids. I remember a lot of crying, though, haha, they used to call me cry-baby. Actually, that was rude, why would anyone say that to their little sister or little cousin? Hmph.

Jo March and her younger sister Amy March had a quarrel. Young Amy in her anger and brattiness did something that she knew would hurt Jo. Even as I think about what Amy did, I think about how angry I would have felt in Jo's position. Jo, in her grief, said that what Amy did was unforgivable. How many times in our lives have we felt that people have wronged us unforgivably? Is it an option to forgive, or can there be circumstances when it is just to not forgive? Do we give people a number of chances?

The Saviour taught us about forgiveness. He said that those who do not forgive have the greater sin. 

“Ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.”

When Amy did her best to try to make up with her older sister, whom she admired so much, things turned cold quickly, and Jo refused to forgive or even pay her little sister any attention... Until Amy got hurt. Jo's anger quickly melted and was replaced by fear for her sister's life. She was there for her little sister, kissed her, and the guilt that Jo portrayed felt so close to home. Luckily, Amy wasn't seriously hurt. But she could have been. And Jo felt responsible for what happened.

When Amy was recovering in bed, Marmee, their mother, spoke with Jo. Jo confided in her mother that sometimes Jo's temper can get so hot that she could harm someone and enjoy it while in that passion. Then Marmee, ever so patient and never angry Marmee, confided said she saw herself in Jo, and that she was nearly very angry every day of her life. She taught her patience, temperance, how to bear it. She said that she knows that Jo will deal their vice a lot better than she does. 

And Jo did remarkably progress in controlling her anger. 

And so Jo inspires me. As I watch the progressing character of Jo March, I think of my own character progression.

This is sometimes hard for me to admit and talk about, but I will confess that I struggled tremendously during my first months as a married woman. That's not to say that it's because I was a horrible person two years ago, but let's just say that my husband and I had a lot of weaknesses that neither of us knew about. In my case, I did not even recognise some of these character flaws until I married Lawrence.

The most perfect part, I think, about God's plan, is marriage. Because of all the things I have gone through, it was my husband that was the greatest factor in my character progression. I'm in a relationship triangle with Lawrence and God and the closer Lawrence and I are, the closer I am with God. The closer Lawrence and I am with God, the closer I am with Lawrence. 

Lawrence is my partner in progression. My eternal partner. Because of my husband, I am a much better person than I was before I met him. I can control my vices a lot better than I used to. If you throw at me the same trials that I've gone through two years ago, I am sure I would handle it tremendously better. But, that is not a challenge, I would rather not go through it all again, so don't anybody go giving me a hard time, lol.

I am absolutely proud of how far I've come since then. I look back and my heart pangs on how much I truly struggled, but when I look at myself today, and look for myself in the future, I am so, so, proud of how much I have personally grown.

I love my husband so much. I can go completely off the hook and he'll still love me. Not only will he love me, but he stands by me and does everything in his power to make sure that I know that he loves me, that he forgives me, that he wants what is best for me. He is my miracle maker.

One last thing, Jo had her Marmee. And I'm sure we all have our Marmees in life.

Marmee to me is like the Holy Ghost. He'll whisper to us what God wants to tell us if us listen hard enough, if we talk to Heavenly Father and seek His counsel. He'll give us wisdom, and comfort, and let us know when what we're doing is right. He'll be quiet, maybe quietly angry, haha, when what we're doing is wrong.

The Holy Ghost is the key to our character progression.

Written with Love

Eliza Mckellar.

Pray for Rain

Dear readers,

This weekend in Melbourne has been full of miracles on a personal level and a national level. As you might have known, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints sent out an announcement to those living in the Pacific Region to initiate an area-wide fast for January 5th, 2020, in petitioning the Lord for rain. Australia has been under a fiery siege since September, hundreds of homes have been destroyed, thousands have fled towards safety, communities have been destroyed, and nobody really knows yet how badly our beautiful wildlife and creatures have been affected. We just know that it's bad, and perhaps near impossible to recover.

My beautiful clan that I married into, the Mckellar family, all agreed to participate in this fast and prayer petitioning the Lord for rain. It was a very special weekend for us as we planned to exchange Christmas gifts and celebrate the birth of the newest member of our clan. My baby niece's name blessing was a moving experience to witness. Nothing, to me, is ever more moving than a father expressing his heartfelt love for a daughter, and my handsome husband got to be a part of the men of using their priesthood to assist his brother in this blessing. Despite the festivities and celebration, I am so glad that we planned to fast with our nation, a fast of which I think will be also happening tomorrow in America (different time zones), where my sister and hopefully other American friends will also lend their faith in fasting and prayer, thus making this a world-wide fast. 

Today is January 5th, 2020, and this morning I woke up to the sound of rain. Only yesterday we were suffering from blistering heat, so hot that even the wind was hot. And today, the Lord decided to bless us for our efforts and give us respite from the heat by instead opening up the heavens with rain and cold wind.

Of course, this current rain isn't near enough to douse the heat monstrosities threatening our country ... But it is a start. And it is an answer to the tens of thousands Australians and area-wide communities praying for rain. And you know what? I know that more rain will come.

In my personal prayers and prayers with Lawrence, the Spirit whispered to me that I need to repent. The fires weren't my fault, but as a citizen of this country, I need to do my part to look after my country. I need to do my part to look after the earth that our Heavenly Father has gifted to us. And in our times of difficulty and sorrow, let us never forgot how merciful the Lord has been throughout our lives. In our times of struggle and trial, let us remember the Lord and His gospels, let us all repent and turn to Him for comfort, direction and peace. 

Just as the ancient prophet Nephi petitioned the Lord for rain, let us too, petition for rain.

12 O Lord, wilt thou turn away thine anger, yea, thy fierce anger, and cause that this famine may cease in this land.

13 O Lord, wilt thou hearken unto me, and cause that it may be done according to my words, and send forth rain upon the face of the earth, that she may bring forth her fruit, and her grain in the season of grain.

(Book of Mormon, Helaman 11:12-13).

Mind you Nephi's era was a time of great wickedness, and the Lord gave him power over the earth because Nephi's will was one with God. But the principle is the same, if God's will is to save our burning lands--and I think it very well may be--we must ask in faith for this to happen, and then it will happen.

I know that God has the power to heal the earth, save our lives, bring us peace. I know this because it was through God that I have been healed, that my life was saved, and that even after my tremendous losses, I live with peace and love and hope.

Let's pray for rain.

Written with love,

Eliza Mckellar.

Unravelling the Gift

Dear readers,

First day of a new year, new decade, new beginnings.

Unravelling the Gift

My mission president once told me that he knew that I was a great missionary. He said that I was like a gift with a big bow and something was so precious and priceless inside. He said that the bow would take time to loosen and that the gift won't unwrap straight away. He told me that he can't wait to see what gifts I had inside.

                                     

Maybe, the spirit whispers to me, maybe this year my gifts will unravel.

This year, with this blog, I am going to actively FIND those gifts and CREATE those miracles.

On my birthday two weeks ago, I turned 24. I also got called to be Oakhurst Ward’s Primary President. This means myself with two assistants, or counsellors, and a secretary organise the children of my church congregation into classes, assign adult teachers, train said adult teachers, and also organise music time each Sunday. There’s a lot more to it, but I won't bore you with details.

What’s most amazing is the Lord’s trust in me to do this calling. I had no idea that I was capable of being a leader of this capacity, until my 24th birthday when this call was extended to me.

So many women in the ward have given me their support. Mostly privately, some in passing. Every time one of these women have spoken to me, I feel that little bit more confident. Yes, I can do this. 

Losing a Gift

Not everyone knows this, but Lawrence and I have been unsuccessful in having a child. I've had two cases of ectopic pregnancies in 2019. 

For those who don't know, an ectopic pregnancy is practically a pregnant woman's worst nightmare. The fertilised egg, alive and growing, is alive and growing in the wrong place. Most of the cases, it is in the fallopian tube and never reaches the uterus/womb. Please note, it is impossible to recover the baby. By the time the baby is large enough to be detected by an ultrasound, it is too late to do anything other than remove it. To explain the implications of this situation I will put it this way: if the fertilised egg is allowed to grow where it is, it will rupture that part of the body, cause a painful internal bleeding, and mother will not survive without medical and surgical intervention. 

And on July 28, 2019, that is what happened to me. I was due for my first (6 week) ultrasound the next morning, but that night, I felt inexplicable pain. Have you ever felt a pain rated 10/10? I have. 10/10 pain feels like you're dying, and that's what I was, dying. The fertilised egg, perhaps the size of a blueberry, had ruptured inside my right fallopian tube, resulting in internal bleeding, and a lot of pain. I lost consciousness twice when the paramedics came.

At the hospital, I was rushed to the operating theatre from the emergency department. For the first week after that operation, I couldn't even feel the loss of my baby because all I could feel was the physical pain. The hurt, the loss, the pain ... It was the hardest trial of my life.

After weeks of sadness, medical advice, and a trip to the temple, I felt inspired to try again. I didn't want my fears to get the better of me. I was prompted to have faith in the Lord's will, not to fear it. And I chose to be happy.

A digital print I bought online while recovering from my first laparascopy.
Check out Aeryn&Eden and support a local business.

The second case happened on my husband's birthday, 14th November. I went to my 6 week ultrasound and the fertilised egg was again in the wrong place. They told me it was a left cornual ectopic pregnancy. It was positioned at the "lip" of the fallopian tube meeting the uterus, and was a case where I would most likely lose my remaining fallopian tube. I was preparing for the possibility of needing IVF to ever conceive again. At least this time, by God's grace, I didn't even feel any pain. When I went to the hospital, my doctors told me that this surgical procedure was more precarious than the last, that if they couldn't stop the bleeding of my uterus after cutting the fertilised egg out, they would have to perform a cesarean-like cut and remove the womb altogether. Imagine going into a surgery believing that you could never conceive naturally ever again, that you might wake up without your womb altogether. Let me tell you, I was scared, but more than my fear, I had faith that I would be okay. I knew with all my heart, lying on that hospital bed, that my Heavenly Father loves me, and that absolutely nothing could ever remove my love and faith in Him. I was ready to live the rest of my life without the ability to make a child. By miracles of all miracles, I woke up with my remaining fallopian tube still intact, and with extremely limited incisions into my womb. Turns out, two expert radiographers analysed the images wrong, and the fertilised egg had somehow travelled to the right side of my uterus (not left) where there wasn't a fallopian tube. My remaining tube was never in any danger. My uterus was in limited risk of bleeding out. This second laparoscopy didn't even cause me much pain. (Yet because they did cut into my womb, however small, I was advised to hold off trying to conceive for at least another 9 to 12 months

I want that to really sink into my reader today: I was willing, and still am God will's be done, to live my life without the ability to have a child. Having faith is loving and trusting God even when he's allowing certain things to happen to you. Throughout this whole ordeal, I have never been, and will never be bitter with God because of my experiences. On the contrary, I praise Him and am grateful for these experiences. I have learnt gratitude for my health and body, gratitude for my life, and empathy towards everyone. I have learnt to be kinder to absolutely everybody, even the angry people, especially the people that are hard to get along with, because they have their own journey, just as I am having mine.

I know that I made the right decision, even though it happened a second time. I know that I did because I made a righteous decision that Heavenly Father is proud of. And at the end of each day, that's all that matters to me: whether or not I made choices that God will be happy with.

And if you've made it reading this far, thank you for reading my story. If you know me, you'll know that I live in Australia. My country is currently under a natural disaster, bush fires, larger than I've think we've ever faced, are raging across our lands, homes, destroying everything in its path. They say that the koalas may become extinct after the fires die down. Who knows what else we might lose? And the end of summer is still two months away. It's so sad. Anyone reading this, if you have the power to help the world, do so. Please join me in  a prayerful fast for two meals on January 5th, donating a generous amount to this cause. For those not members of my faith, this website may help you donate to an organisation of your choice. 

When we fast and pray on the first Sunday of the year, let's petition the Lord for relief from the fires, for peace amongst individuals, families and communities affected, and for the animals and wildlife to survive.

Written with love, 

Eliza Mckellar

We went to Taronga Zoo for Lawrence's birthday. $1 birthday ticket, yay lol.