Not Worth Knowing

 Dear readers

I come to you with feelings on the darker side of the human spectrum but in tiny hope that by the end of my writing this, I will feel okay. 

This is not a rant about how angry I am. No, oh no. This is a distraction. 

Have you ever felt lonely? Have you ever felt so lonely that you just wanted to stop trying? To stop coming. To stop turning up. To stop being the first to make conversation. 

It's not like anyone would ever miss me, after all, if they did, wouldn't they make a greater effort to get to know me? 

Am I just… not worth knowing?

These have been my feelings very often lately.

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and feeling lonely in a crowd full of my fellow congregants of my own age group happens very often.

It's my little joke that when I make the effort to go to our weekly bible-study classes (for those aged 18 - 30) that I need to take my little 3 month old baby just so that I have someone to sit with. 

The reason why I love attending institute is because I love learning. 

But if I'm being honest, the reason now that I choose to attend institute is because I feel lonely as a new mother. I don't have many friends and the friends that I do have are often busy or I'm just actually too tired to make a day out of it. One time I did make an appointment with a friend and I clean forgot! I do not think she is interested in remaking that appointment.

One night before attending class I was actually so nervous because the last time that I went no one sat next to me. Literally empty seats on either side of me in a room full of people. So I didn't want to go and experience that again. 

As I was preparing to go to institute, I was thinking about bringing my baby so at least I can pretend to be busy and not look lonely. Something I had never done before but I felt … desperate.

I got into a bad funk. I took a shower and couldn't stop crying. Why should I be going to institute when no one cares to say hello unless I say hello first? Why should I be going when hardly anyone cares to learn my name? When hardly anyone will quite literally, just sit next to me? I cried to my Heavenly Father, please. Please, Heavenly Father, I don't want to feel this way. Don't I have any friends? I just want a friend.

I guess I’ve got Ada. 

I got dressed, prepared the baby bag, fed my baby. And then popped her in the car and off we went. 

Down the drive way until my phone started going off. 

I thought--I'm driving I should just ignore it. What's more was that it was a FaceTime request and those are definitely illegal to take while driving. But I just had a feeling that I should just take the call and explain that we could talk tomorrow. So I pulled over. 

It was a dear friend that I haven't seen in quite a while. She has never called me before. It's possible she doesn’t often call her friends out of the blue like this. I explained I was on my way to institute but that I'd be happy to talk tomorrow. And then thought nothing of it for a while.

And I went to institute. And as predicted, again, no one sat next to me. Having a baby didn't encourage any friends to sit with me. In fact, it seemed to discourage people, as everyone chose to sit in the back row rather than with me in the front row, or even the second row, no one was sitting the the second row. 

What is wrong with you people? Or rather, what is wrong with me? Am I truly that distasteful? Am I truly not worth knowing? 

The next day my friend called me back, fulfilling her promise. 

She told me that she wanted to call me and check on me because I'm a new mum. 

I realised then that her phone call last night was nothing to do with Providence distracting me from driving. Her phone call was actually Heavenly Father's way of answering my desperate cries. A lonely cry from just moments before. 

She could have called the next day. But she must’ve felt prompted to call me right then and there, because God knew that I needed a reminder …

That I am worth knowing. 

I'm a new mum. And even as I struggle to finish writing this, my poor baby cries at the top of her tiny lungs and I've just about had enough. 

Here I am, going through the dark tunnel, and there IS no light at the end of the tunnel but I have two feet and they just keep going one step after the other. And I can’t see the light but I have faith that there is light so I keep on coming. I keep turning up. I keep on talking.  

That is hope. And my friend calling me out of the blue? That is God working to keep me going. 

Written with love, 

Eliza. 

Mother in Zion

Dear readers 

It has quite literally been one year since I've written. A lot has happened in one year. I've moved houses twice. I've had a baby. Lawrence started working full time. 

Hoarding A Secret

The reason that I stopped writing, I am ashamed to admit, is because I was hoarding a huge secret. Obviously, the cat's out of the bag now, I was pregnant, ta da ~ 

And I couldn't admit publicly that I WAS pregnant because I let my anxieties control me. I didn't want to lose this precious baby. 

I remember early 2020, being pregnant for the third time, and being so anxious and so careful that I stopped work almost as soon as I found out I was carrying. 

My Dad gave me a priesthood blessing and in it he prophesied that I would carry this baby full term. But I never did. Baby lost at 11 weeks. 

After that one, I was so afraid. I was afraid to breathe. I was afraid to think. I was afraid of being afraid. 

The psychologist focussed on that last sentence. Afraid of being afraid. It means that I was scared of being pregnant again because being pregnant made me scared. 

I remember feeling sad, so sad. I remember feeling like I was used to feeling sad. 

You may be wondering how I was able to overcome that sadness and how I had the courage to try again. 

Truth is; I still am very sad over my lost pregnancies, all three of them. And I don't know how I had the courage to try again. But I know that talking to a psychologist helped me immensely. Prayers, fasting, searching my soul, studying the scriptures and being where I was meant to be also helped me receive the strength and revelation to try again. 

I want to share something slightly intimate with you. 

A Beautiful Dream

I knew that I was going to have a girl before we were told baby's gender. Sometime after one of my lost pregnancies, I remember feeling very down and depressed, and I was so sorrowful that sometimes I would cry myself to sleep. I guess you might say that this was a time I was grieving. In my sadness, I lay down to sleep. Sleeping at least takes away the pain. 

And I had a dream--a beautiful dream that feels so real that you believe you can feel and smell and hear and see fine details. My dream was so simple. I was sitting down holding a beautiful wrapped baby with both arms. The baby was sleeping in my arms, so peaceful, so small and so warm. She was a girl. And I was talking to her, telling her that we were both waiting for her daddy to come home. I was telling her how much I loved her and her daddy and as I was speaking to her, she stayed asleep, so content to be held by me, her mother. 

I remember waking up and feeling every part of my body and soul wanting that child, wanting to hold that child and to be with that child. I was in despair that it was only a dream, my disappointment amplified because it had felt so real, only to be snatched away by waking up. In way it was real. Wasn't this a vision of the future? Sent by God to me in my deepest despair? I wanted it. But I couldn't have it; it was like sand slipping through my grasp. 

I knew then that I wouldn't give up. Not really. That vision of the future was sent to me by my loving Heavenly Father. I felt loved by my Heavenly Father in that moment, like the feeling you get when someone hands you a sealed letter or a wrapped gift and your heart beats steady and louder because your soul knows someone loves you. Someone knows you personally and loves you. And they’ve given you a gift. God gifted me with a future memory to live by. 

I want you to know that I know that God loves you. He wants to give you revelation. He wants to speak to you! 

"And now, verily, I the Lord, will show unto you what I will concerning you, or what is my will concerning you."

- Doctrine and Covenants 66:4

There is one more miracle I would have you know. 

Mother In Zion 

Someone else gave me a blessing after I lost that third pregnancy. And when he lay his hands upon my head, he prophesied that I would be a Mother in Zion.

That title, beautiful as it is, the Lord has given it to me through this blessing. 

And I LOVE being a mother in Zion. 

Ada Love McKellar, it is an absolute honour to be your mother. 

You are exactly 14 weeks old today. Growing so fast, there isn’t enough time in the world for me to enjoy you. But darling know this; you are my dream come true. 

Thanks for reading, 

as always, 

written with love,

Eliza. 

There is always a rainbow after the rain. Remember, God always keeps his promises.