Mother in Zion

Dear readers 

It has quite literally been one year since I've written. A lot has happened in one year. I've moved houses twice. I've had a baby. Lawrence started working full time. 

Hoarding A Secret

The reason that I stopped writing, I am ashamed to admit, is because I was hoarding a huge secret. Obviously, the cat's out of the bag now, I was pregnant, ta da ~ 

And I couldn't admit publicly that I WAS pregnant because I let my anxieties control me. I didn't want to lose this precious baby. 

I remember early 2020, being pregnant for the third time, and being so anxious and so careful that I stopped work almost as soon as I found out I was carrying. 

My Dad gave me a priesthood blessing and in it he prophesied that I would carry this baby full term. But I never did. Baby lost at 11 weeks. 

After that one, I was so afraid. I was afraid to breathe. I was afraid to think. I was afraid of being afraid. 

The psychologist focussed on that last sentence. Afraid of being afraid. It means that I was scared of being pregnant again because being pregnant made me scared. 

I remember feeling sad, so sad. I remember feeling like I was used to feeling sad. 

You may be wondering how I was able to overcome that sadness and how I had the courage to try again. 

Truth is; I still am very sad over my lost pregnancies, all three of them. And I don't know how I had the courage to try again. But I know that talking to a psychologist helped me immensely. Prayers, fasting, searching my soul, studying the scriptures and being where I was meant to be also helped me receive the strength and revelation to try again. 

I want to share something slightly intimate with you. 

A Beautiful Dream

I knew that I was going to have a girl before we were told baby's gender. Sometime after one of my lost pregnancies, I remember feeling very down and depressed, and I was so sorrowful that sometimes I would cry myself to sleep. I guess you might say that this was a time I was grieving. In my sadness, I lay down to sleep. Sleeping at least takes away the pain. 

And I had a dream--a beautiful dream that feels so real that you believe you can feel and smell and hear and see fine details. My dream was so simple. I was sitting down holding a beautiful wrapped baby with both arms. The baby was sleeping in my arms, so peaceful, so small and so warm. She was a girl. And I was talking to her, telling her that we were both waiting for her daddy to come home. I was telling her how much I loved her and her daddy and as I was speaking to her, she stayed asleep, so content to be held by me, her mother. 

I remember waking up and feeling every part of my body and soul wanting that child, wanting to hold that child and to be with that child. I was in despair that it was only a dream, my disappointment amplified because it had felt so real, only to be snatched away by waking up. In way it was real. Wasn't this a vision of the future? Sent by God to me in my deepest despair? I wanted it. But I couldn't have it; it was like sand slipping through my grasp. 

I knew then that I wouldn't give up. Not really. That vision of the future was sent to me by my loving Heavenly Father. I felt loved by my Heavenly Father in that moment, like the feeling you get when someone hands you a sealed letter or a wrapped gift and your heart beats steady and louder because your soul knows someone loves you. Someone knows you personally and loves you. And they’ve given you a gift. God gifted me with a future memory to live by. 

I want you to know that I know that God loves you. He wants to give you revelation. He wants to speak to you! 

"And now, verily, I the Lord, will show unto you what I will concerning you, or what is my will concerning you."

- Doctrine and Covenants 66:4

There is one more miracle I would have you know. 

Mother In Zion 

Someone else gave me a blessing after I lost that third pregnancy. And when he lay his hands upon my head, he prophesied that I would be a Mother in Zion.

That title, beautiful as it is, the Lord has given it to me through this blessing. 

And I LOVE being a mother in Zion. 

Ada Love McKellar, it is an absolute honour to be your mother. 

You are exactly 14 weeks old today. Growing so fast, there isn’t enough time in the world for me to enjoy you. But darling know this; you are my dream come true. 

Thanks for reading, 

as always, 

written with love,

Eliza. 

There is always a rainbow after the rain. Remember, God always keeps his promises.