The Saviour's Heart

Dear readers

TEN years ago, I was a full-time missionary for my church - The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I was assigned away from home, and served full-time teaching about the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and serving absolutely anyone. All this without pay too! 

    At the beginning of my service, I wrote a poem. This poem was inspired by my studies of the atonement of Jesus Christ. If you don't know what that is, I can refer you to some beautiful people - your local missionaries - to tell you more. I'm a little shy to share, but BIG SIGH, okay, here goes...

The Saviour's Heart 

by Sister Eliza Magallanes January 2015

When I'm old and frail

And I don't know how to think 

How to talk, how to smile, 

How to eat, how to blink,

When the years have gone by

And I'm falling apart 

Will I still have the Saviour in my heart?

When I'm young and free

With eyes towards the stars

And I'm dreaming and I'm wishing

That I will go far,

When I'm tired to the bone,

And I'm falling apart

Will I still have the Saviour in my heart?

When I'm heartbroken and hurt

And cry and cry and cry

When I can't get back up

And strength leaves me to die,

When I'm desperate for peace

And I'm falling apart 

Will I still have the Saviour in my heart?

When the Saviour trembled 

Because of suffering and pain

When He was betrayed by a friend

And was taken and slain

When He suffered in body and spirit

And felt like falling apart

Was I not there there 

In the Saviour's heart?

---

Did you like this poem? If so, please let me know why, I'd love to hear. I have soooo many more poems that I've written over the years. Do you think I should post more of them? I'm so anxious about sharing my little secret talent, so I need all the encouragement I can get. 😶 

Daily miracles from this weekend

 Dear readers 

As I began my weekend, I had multiple goals in mind. 

1. Work evening shift Friday (16:00 - 00:30)

2. 8am 5km park fun 

3. Study for two hours prior to Sunday (exam prep for Tuesday).

4. Tidy house by Friday evening 

5. Work Saturday evening shift (15:00 - 22:30)

6. Rest when able / when needed. 

As my weekend progressed, I had more and more things to do on my to-do list. 

Here were some of my "spiritual" to do goals. 

1. Hug Ada whenever she needed a hug. 

2. Listen to the scriptures 

3. Memorise uplifting scripture 

It is now 1:29am Sunday morning, and I have an early morning later. 

I am writing to you with a really sore back, my shoulder are super stiff from that morning jog, my legs are dead weights, haha, and for some reason, I'm hungry right now. 

But my spirits are high. 

I was able to do everything on my to do lists, with the exception of memorising uplifting scripture--but I am optimistic because the day is young, haha. 

I was NOT able to do everything on my to do lists by myself. Lawrence essentially cleaned the house. My older sister went to the park fun with me. Ada came too (after I worked the previous night, she was very reluctant to let me leave without her when I woke up early morning), and my Dad minded her while we jogged our lives away... 

I want to emphasise that I am NOT super woman, and neither am I boasting about how well I am doing, because there is so much more improvement I have yet to achieve and will probably never achieve in this life. 

I want to emphasise that there IS a certain super power in my life, and that is the eternal and perfect love that Heavenly Father has for me. Has for you, too! Although not as often as I'd like, I do try my best to regularly check in and pray to our loving Heavenly Father and ask Him to bless me in my endeavours for the day. I go about my day prayerfully and when I am prompted to do a certain thing, I do it. Even if I am tired. Even if it is socially weird, because I can be a massive awkward weirdo. Even if it isn't on my to-do list. 

Or it may be on my to-do list but not at the time I planned! I certainly didn't plan on taking Ada with me to the park run, but we has a blast in the car together, and she got to choose a little snacky-snack at the fuel station when I filled the car up before heading home. (Fuel was another thing on my ever-growing to do list). 

There's a concept of juggling between glass and non-glass balls. A person may be constantly juggling but sometimes, we have to priotise the glass balls and throw the other, less fragile, ball. If we drop it, thats fine. Our glass ball is safe. I always have this particular image in mind when I create my list of priorities. What are my glass balls today? What am I willing to let go today, if my other priorities take precedence? Usually, the answer to this last question is housework. Always housework. Particularly the massive mountain on laundry that forever needs putting away (not even gonna pretend I fold). 

I want to reiterate again that none of my achievements in whatever large or small capacity are possible without my Heavenly Father and His love and His help. Yes Lawrence cleaned the house, but who softened his heart so he would do so lovingly and really good? 

I needed to study today-- and who miracously blessed me with a quiet shift at work so that I could focus on my exam preparations for a little while? 

There was no way on earth that I would have ever gone out to that park run, if it were not for my older sister who came from OVERSEAS and told me that she would do this with me while she's here. On her husband's birthday, no less. (Happy birthday Michael we love you lots). 

So many little, or big, miracles. Coincidence? I think not. 

Tender mercies of the Lord? I think so. 

I'm gonna spend the rest of my day, the week, the year and my entire LIFE looking for these daily miracles. Hopefully, I'll follow that inspiration more and more to write about them. 

I'd love to update you about what I'm learning from the 40-Day Book of Mormon Reading Challenge that I am currently doing with my ward. 

In the meantime, I'm going to love you and leave you, and pray that reading this inspires you to recognise the daily miracles in your life, too. 

Written with love,

Eliza. 

Love are the moments

 Hello! 

Today is 6th December 2022 and it has been a LONG time since I've written in this blog. Today my therapeutic writing is about my motherhood journey thus far.

Let me tell you a secret. One of my greatest fears in life, ever since I was young enough to grasp an understanding of this fear ... is something that I most likely will never, ever experience on this earth. 

My secret is that my greatest fear in life ... used to be ... 

Childbirth. 

I was terrified at the prospect of undergoing labour pains. The first time that we found out we were pregnant, we were at the doctor's and the test came back positive on a urine test. 

And I completely burst out crying. I guess Lawrence nor the Doctor understood exactly why I was crying at the time, but it was definitely because I was terrified of the thought of having to push a baby out of me. 

And due to medical reasons, any viable pregnancies that I have will need to be delivered via c-section prematurely. So I should never have to experience even one contraction in my life, if I value my life.

Ahem, anyway. 

Now that I am a mother to Ada Love, my greatest fears are all about motherhood itself. I am afraid of not being good enough. I am afraid of messing up my daughter psychologically. I am afraid of my own anger getting the best of us and that the sound of my raised voice will leave psychological scarring that will distort her growth and happiness in the future. I am afraid of not being present enough. I am afraid she'll be a sad, lonely child. I am sooo afraid of failure. 

At the beginning of the blog, in 2020, I spoke of an interview I had with my mission president. He said that I was like a gift, wrapped up really nicely with a big massive bow. He said that it's going to take time for that bow to come off. But that when it finally does, he can't wait to see what gifts I have inside. 

It has been 8 years since that interview - and admittedly, I thought that I'd have the bow off by now. In other words, sometimes I find it hard to see my worth. I find everything about me to be so ... replaceable. 

But in the end, it is because I love Ada and my husband so, so much, that I could never imagine Ada growing up being raised by anyone other than me. Flaws and all, she has me because I want to be the one she loves.

Is it strange that I find self-validation in a little person who can't even talk yet? She's my little walking miracle, and she's the greatest gift that God has given me in my life so far. But she's extra special because I really can't keep this little girl all to myself. She is shared by everyone who knows her, is related to her, and loves her. Her father, her grandparents, her aunties and uncles, cousins, and my aunties and uncles and friends. 

She is such as good little girl who is utterly in love with me.  And her love for me pierces my soul and makes me brave enough to even love myself. To forgive myself. To work on myself and be easy on myself. I thought that I felt validated because of how much my husband loves me and the kindness he shows me every day. But Ada's adoration for me is unparalleled. 

I am her first word. I am her protector, provider, and best friend. I am her teacher, and her confidant. Without me, she might literally fall apart and the kind of power that I have scares me but also pleases me. Because nothing feels better to me than to feel so important and so irreplaceable to someone else. Having a child has truly been life-changing. 

And although women often lose themselves in motherhood, women often lose their self-identity, their bodies, their time, their hobbies and passions and interests all for the sake of another little being that relies on them to stay alive...

I, as a mother, have found myself. I have found myself to be important, to be strong, to be capable and smart. I have more confidence now than I have ever before in my entire life. I feel like the sensation of being confident is new because it is something that I have finally found.

I started writing a poem in the early days of my motherhood journey. I never quite finished it but will endeavour to provide you a complete version here. I wrote this poem progressively when I couldn't sleep at night. I have other poems too, and I'm sure I'll find the right time to share them. But for now, enjoy. 

Love are the moments. A poem on parenthood.

Love are the nights 

I don't want to leave bed

But I hear you cry 

So I hold you instead

Love is the moment 

You first looked at me 

In wonder and I wonder 

What you imagined me to be? 

Love was pregnancy days 

Kneeling was hard to do 

Yet I prayed for you

Already in love with you 

Love is the quiet

You fall asleep in my arms 

From crying and cranky 

To still and calm 

Love is tonight 

we're skin to skin 

A moment more intimate

Than I've ever been in 

Love is the colour blue 

beating down down down 

And my best isn't enough 

So your grandparents come around 

Love are the moments 

I learn the word sacrifice 

The need to meets your needs

No matter the cost or price 

Love is the moment 

I caught my reflection 

I couldn't look for long 

But your smile said I was perfection

Love is you

My miracle from on high 

My undeserved gift

Proof God doesn't lie

Love are the days

Filled with wonder and strife 

Love are the moments 

Motherhood changed my life. 

My motherhood journey has NOT been what I expected it to be. But it has definitely been a defining chapter in my life that has given me exponential character growth and grit. I have every hope and dream of still unravelling the gifts inside me, and every faith that one day, I'll be able to look back on these blog entries and marvel at how far I've come.

Written with love,

as always, 

Eliza. 

Not Worth Knowing

 Dear readers

I come to you with feelings on the darker side of the human spectrum but in tiny hope that by the end of my writing this, I will feel okay. 

This is not a rant about how angry I am. No, oh no. This is a distraction. 

Have you ever felt lonely? Have you ever felt so lonely that you just wanted to stop trying? To stop coming. To stop turning up. To stop being the first to make conversation. 

It's not like anyone would ever miss me, after all, if they did, wouldn't they make a greater effort to get to know me? 

Am I just… not worth knowing?

These have been my feelings very often lately.

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and feeling lonely in a crowd full of my fellow congregants of my own age group happens very often.

It's my little joke that when I make the effort to go to our weekly bible-study classes (for those aged 18 - 30) that I need to take my little 3 month old baby just so that I have someone to sit with. 

The reason why I love attending institute is because I love learning. 

But if I'm being honest, the reason now that I choose to attend institute is because I feel lonely as a new mother. I don't have many friends and the friends that I do have are often busy or I'm just actually too tired to make a day out of it. One time I did make an appointment with a friend and I clean forgot! I do not think she is interested in remaking that appointment.

One night before attending class I was actually so nervous because the last time that I went no one sat next to me. Literally empty seats on either side of me in a room full of people. So I didn't want to go and experience that again. 

As I was preparing to go to institute, I was thinking about bringing my baby so at least I can pretend to be busy and not look lonely. Something I had never done before but I felt … desperate.

I got into a bad funk. I took a shower and couldn't stop crying. Why should I be going to institute when no one cares to say hello unless I say hello first? Why should I be going when hardly anyone cares to learn my name? When hardly anyone will quite literally, just sit next to me? I cried to my Heavenly Father, please. Please, Heavenly Father, I don't want to feel this way. Don't I have any friends? I just want a friend.

I guess I’ve got Ada. 

I got dressed, prepared the baby bag, fed my baby. And then popped her in the car and off we went. 

Down the drive way until my phone started going off. 

I thought--I'm driving I should just ignore it. What's more was that it was a FaceTime request and those are definitely illegal to take while driving. But I just had a feeling that I should just take the call and explain that we could talk tomorrow. So I pulled over. 

It was a dear friend that I haven't seen in quite a while. She has never called me before. It's possible she doesn’t often call her friends out of the blue like this. I explained I was on my way to institute but that I'd be happy to talk tomorrow. And then thought nothing of it for a while.

And I went to institute. And as predicted, again, no one sat next to me. Having a baby didn't encourage any friends to sit with me. In fact, it seemed to discourage people, as everyone chose to sit in the back row rather than with me in the front row, or even the second row, no one was sitting the the second row. 

What is wrong with you people? Or rather, what is wrong with me? Am I truly that distasteful? Am I truly not worth knowing? 

The next day my friend called me back, fulfilling her promise. 

She told me that she wanted to call me and check on me because I'm a new mum. 

I realised then that her phone call last night was nothing to do with Providence distracting me from driving. Her phone call was actually Heavenly Father's way of answering my desperate cries. A lonely cry from just moments before. 

She could have called the next day. But she must’ve felt prompted to call me right then and there, because God knew that I needed a reminder …

That I am worth knowing. 

I'm a new mum. And even as I struggle to finish writing this, my poor baby cries at the top of her tiny lungs and I've just about had enough. 

Here I am, going through the dark tunnel, and there IS no light at the end of the tunnel but I have two feet and they just keep going one step after the other. And I can’t see the light but I have faith that there is light so I keep on coming. I keep turning up. I keep on talking.  

That is hope. And my friend calling me out of the blue? That is God working to keep me going. 

Written with love, 

Eliza. 

Mother in Zion

Dear readers 

It has quite literally been one year since I've written. A lot has happened in one year. I've moved houses twice. I've had a baby. Lawrence started working full time. 

Hoarding A Secret

The reason that I stopped writing, I am ashamed to admit, is because I was hoarding a huge secret. Obviously, the cat's out of the bag now, I was pregnant, ta da ~ 

And I couldn't admit publicly that I WAS pregnant because I let my anxieties control me. I didn't want to lose this precious baby. 

I remember early 2020, being pregnant for the third time, and being so anxious and so careful that I stopped work almost as soon as I found out I was carrying. 

My Dad gave me a priesthood blessing and in it he prophesied that I would carry this baby full term. But I never did. Baby lost at 11 weeks. 

After that one, I was so afraid. I was afraid to breathe. I was afraid to think. I was afraid of being afraid. 

The psychologist focussed on that last sentence. Afraid of being afraid. It means that I was scared of being pregnant again because being pregnant made me scared. 

I remember feeling sad, so sad. I remember feeling like I was used to feeling sad. 

You may be wondering how I was able to overcome that sadness and how I had the courage to try again. 

Truth is; I still am very sad over my lost pregnancies, all three of them. And I don't know how I had the courage to try again. But I know that talking to a psychologist helped me immensely. Prayers, fasting, searching my soul, studying the scriptures and being where I was meant to be also helped me receive the strength and revelation to try again. 

I want to share something slightly intimate with you. 

A Beautiful Dream

I knew that I was going to have a girl before we were told baby's gender. Sometime after one of my lost pregnancies, I remember feeling very down and depressed, and I was so sorrowful that sometimes I would cry myself to sleep. I guess you might say that this was a time I was grieving. In my sadness, I lay down to sleep. Sleeping at least takes away the pain. 

And I had a dream--a beautiful dream that feels so real that you believe you can feel and smell and hear and see fine details. My dream was so simple. I was sitting down holding a beautiful wrapped baby with both arms. The baby was sleeping in my arms, so peaceful, so small and so warm. She was a girl. And I was talking to her, telling her that we were both waiting for her daddy to come home. I was telling her how much I loved her and her daddy and as I was speaking to her, she stayed asleep, so content to be held by me, her mother. 

I remember waking up and feeling every part of my body and soul wanting that child, wanting to hold that child and to be with that child. I was in despair that it was only a dream, my disappointment amplified because it had felt so real, only to be snatched away by waking up. In way it was real. Wasn't this a vision of the future? Sent by God to me in my deepest despair? I wanted it. But I couldn't have it; it was like sand slipping through my grasp. 

I knew then that I wouldn't give up. Not really. That vision of the future was sent to me by my loving Heavenly Father. I felt loved by my Heavenly Father in that moment, like the feeling you get when someone hands you a sealed letter or a wrapped gift and your heart beats steady and louder because your soul knows someone loves you. Someone knows you personally and loves you. And they’ve given you a gift. God gifted me with a future memory to live by. 

I want you to know that I know that God loves you. He wants to give you revelation. He wants to speak to you! 

"And now, verily, I the Lord, will show unto you what I will concerning you, or what is my will concerning you."

- Doctrine and Covenants 66:4

There is one more miracle I would have you know. 

Mother In Zion 

Someone else gave me a blessing after I lost that third pregnancy. And when he lay his hands upon my head, he prophesied that I would be a Mother in Zion.

That title, beautiful as it is, the Lord has given it to me through this blessing. 

And I LOVE being a mother in Zion. 

Ada Love McKellar, it is an absolute honour to be your mother. 

You are exactly 14 weeks old today. Growing so fast, there isn’t enough time in the world for me to enjoy you. But darling know this; you are my dream come true. 

Thanks for reading, 

as always, 

written with love,

Eliza. 

There is always a rainbow after the rain. Remember, God always keeps his promises. 

Reason to Hope

 Dear readers 

For those amongst my reading audience who are not yet married, I want to tell you my favourite quality about my husband. 

                                                        Your Best Quality, Someone Already Has 

He is really patient.

And for those who are happily, (or maybe unhappily--eek!) married, I ask you to consider what you believe is your spouse's best quality, but not just his/her best quality, the characteristic in their being that complements you the most and brings the best out of you. For me, it is my husband's loving patience as we both deal with my emotional turmoils day in and day out. What's yours?

And now for those who aren't married, and I don't care whether you are young and actively looking for your "soul mate" or older and prayerfully know that you haven't met them yet, this is also what I want you to consider. What is the best characteristic that you need in your eternal spouse? It may not even be something that you know you need, but I invite you to pray and ask Heavenly Father to know what you need so that it can help you in your search. 

But here is what I want all of us to consider:

Whatever best quality your future spouse will have, someone very close to you already has it. And you can take full advantage of that, if you know who I am talking about.

I am referring to Heavenly Father. 

When my husband gave me a priesthood blessing recently, there was a specific question that I had in my mind that I needed an answer to. And it was answered.

And upon re-reading my journal entries from earlier this year, I realised that it was not the first time that I have asked this question to Heavenly Father, and that was actually the second time that he patiently answered the same question.

Because amongst the midst of my current depression and anxiety, I had forgotten that I already received revelation on this topic. 

And yet Heavenly Father was really patient with me, and He reminded me that he supports my goals, that my goals are His goals, and that He will help me achieve them according to my faith.

A Learning Experience At Work

It makes me wonder what our attitude should be like when we are experiencing hardship and pain. 

At the hospital recently, there was a client literally in tears when I came to escort her to the radiology department for a CT scan. She said, "Please pray for me. Oh God, I've been good my whole life, haven't I? I've tried to be good my whole life. Please, please, please, God." 

I think that as a community, we are too quick to put blame somewhere! We blame others, we blame the government, we blame CHINA, we blame God, whenever anything becomes out of our control.

I have to admit that this nice lady was kind of annoying because she would not stop complaining. But, her brownie point is that she was very persistent in praying to God, even if she was petitioning her will on His. Anyway, me being me, took the opportunity to say a quick prayer for her.

To my surprise, on the way back from her procedure, she asked me, "Do you think that I'm going on and on about nothing? Do you think that I have reason to be scared?" 

I answered her politely, "I think that being in hospital you should be a little worried. But I also think that you can be stronger. I know that you can be stronger." 

And she thought about that quietly. I continued, "I think you have reason to hope." 

And as I was speaking and trying to comfort this lady, I realised that I was also giving advice to myself. 

God Gave Me Reason to Hope

At the end of the day, my Heavenly Father has always given me reason to hope. I am soooo lucky to have survived my first pregnancy. I was told that the doctors had saved my life. But I am also lucky to be born in a country, in a city, with access to emergency doctors with emergency resources, and I'm completely blessed that a doctor was around who knew exactly what to do and how to do it well and worked in the hospital that I was rushed to.

In my life, I have been tempted time and time again to just feel sorry for myself. And I have fallen down that path. I have fallen into pits of despair feeling sorry for myself. I was like that lady in the hospital, "God, please, please, please take this cup away from me. Please, please, please anything but this, can't you see that I can't handle this anymore?" 

One time I gave God an ultimatum, which you should never, ever do. I was on the lowest point of my mental health, and I know now that I had been living on high stress for way too long, plus other factors. I got out of bed, and started to make my way to the kitchen. I was thinking about where the sharpest knife was. But two steps before the kitchen in our little apartment was the piano and the piano stool. I sat there and I cried to God saying, "Please God, if there were or are any angels in the world, you'd better send them now."

And then the angels came. 

And AFTER this problem was seemingly resolved, we lost our first baby. But I knew that from previous experience that God's hand was in my life. And even when I lost the second baby, I still knew that it would be okay. (Just sometimes, I forgot.) And even when I lost the third pregnancy, I still knew that God lived. Because I lived. He had saved my life on this earth, as temporary as it may be to Him, He had saved my life twice.

Now, I know that He lives through the little things. Procuring a secure job in a flexible workplace gives me reason to hope. Still being able to conceive (even if I can't seem to keep them at the moment, too) gives me reason to hope. Being accepted into a tricky course at university, gives me reason to hope. The fact that I am still worthy enough to hold a calling in The Church gives me reason to hope. Lawrence's deep well of never-ending patience and love for me also gives me reason to hope.

What gives you reason to hope?

I have hopes of being a mother one day, of being a doctor one day, of being with Lawrence for all of time and eternity. I have hopes of being a good influence on my family, my extended family, the young people around me. I have hopes in doing the Lord's will, and in creating peace and harmony wherever I reside. 

What are your hopes?

God is absolutely perfect. It is so hard to trust sometimes, but He does know better than the smartest of us. And He IS in control of our lives, I testify that with all my heart, soul and being. But life will NOT go the way we want it to, I can almost testify that is just as true, haha. 

What to do/ What not to do

All we need to do ... is written in the scriptures:

Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men.

Does having a perfect brightness of hope sound like that lady in the hospital that I escorted?

Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life. (2 Nephi 31: 20). 

Hope is, after all, trust in God's promises and that if we act in faith we will be blessed in the future.

And what we definitely should not do ... is also written in the scriptures:

And notwithstanding the signs and the wonders which were wrought among the people of the Lord, and the many miracles which they did, Satan did get great hold upon the hearts of the people upon all the face of the land. (Helaman 16:23).

And the scriptures also say, "[They] began to depend upon their own strength and upon their own wisdom," (Helaman 16:15).

These type of people said, "For we cannot witness with our own eyes that they are true." (Helaman 16:20).

What do you think happened to these people when Jesus came and all the signs came to pass? They were shocked to witness that God keeps His promises (in this case, prophecies as foretold in ancient scripture).

Dear readers, please find it in you today to find the reason to hope, as I have. Don't take my word for it, pray, fast and do everything in your power to allow God to tell you that He will keep His promises. 

Tell me readers, what gives you reason to hope? I want to hear from you. 

Written with love,

Eliza Mckellar. 

Reduced to ash

I had been suffocating myself in the need to stay right where I am rather than leave my comfort zone. And my potential, I feel over time, was being slowly wiped out by my own weak mind.

Dear readers,

I wonder if you once had a childhood dream? Did you want to be a ballerina? A fire fighter? A superhero? 

I wanted to be a teacher. I loved learning as a child, and I still do love learning! And I loved teaching others which made me always Feel Smart, lol. 

The Miracle of Knowing Your Calling

From a young age I have been teaching others about God. When I was in kindergarten, I had a friend named Christine. I don't even remember why, but one day during recess I was telling her about Heavenly Father, how he lives in the sky, how we can pray to him and that we can always tell him anything. She acted really weird for a five year old. She put her play hat over her face and hid it from me. I had to lift up her hat to check that she wasn't crying. When she wasn't crying, I repeated myself, asking, "Are you listening Christine? Can you hear me?" 

I knew that teaching was my calling. 

And Heavenly Father has blessed me with many opportunities to teach throughout my years. My first calling within The Church when I turned 18 was Sunday School Teacher. And because my birthday is in December, I was teaching the same class that I had attended as a student just a few weeks ago. 

At 19 years of age, exactly one month after my birthday, I was teaching in the Philippines as a missionary of Jesus Christ. I was teaching the gospel to people who would hide their faces from me, again. 

When I returned at 20 years of age, I was called to be a seminary teacher.

When I got married at 21 years of age and moved to Adelaide, the Lord saw fit for me to reinstate my calling as seminary teacher. 

When I moved to Sydney near one year later I was called as Primary Music Leader (best calling ever), which is basically just teaching hymns to the children. 

I knew that teaching was my calling but I realised late in life that it was not my dream. 

Rewind.

The Miracle of Personal Revelation

When I was 18 years old I was sitting one day in the University of Sydney at a desk during orientation day. Everyone in that tutorial room sitting with them were aspiring to be high school teachers. And as I sat there, I saw my whole life set out before me and for the first time in my life, felt unsure about my decision. I remember thinking, "I do not want to do this for the rest of my life." After the orientation I left for home and pondered and prayed about if I should continue the course or serve a mission by next year.

Eventually, I threw all the pros out the window and decided that I didn't want to be a teacher like I had when I was child. I was going to serve a mission and then figure myself out later. 

And as I walked through the mission fields and realised how much people suffered in health, I knew that I wanted to get into the medical field. 

So I started a paramedicine degree in Sydney, which I absolutely loved (still love learning) continued it in Adelaide, had a bad mental health year and needed everything to stop to focus on family, health, and my marriage. 

And for a while now, the Spirit kept gently telling me that I need still need to go out there and fulfil my potential in this life. And during this whole pandemic season, I started to listen.

One day while at work at the hospital, I realised that I had stopped wanting to be a paramedic. I realised that I no longer saw myself doing what they do, as important and interesting it may be. I know because of my mission that I wanted to work in the medical and health field, but I also wanted to obtain a profession that I feel would have the greatest impact on the world. 

And that led me to wanting to become a doctor. I prayed and prayed and pondered about this. I had deep conversation with Heavenly Father, I told him, "Heavenly Father, I know I'm a smart cookie, but I'm not THAT much of a smart cookie." (Pretty deep, huh? lol). I said, "Heavenly Father, I am going to go for this, and I feel that this is right for me. Are you going to help me?"

And personal revelation taught me that The Lord Loves Effort, but He can only help me as much as I can help myself. Meaning that, if I thought that being a paramedic, and studying to be a paramedic was hard, studying to be a doctor and being a doctor will be much, much, harder. I knew that I will have to work harder than I've ever worked in my entire life. 

And this happened around the time I was having meaningful conversations with my dearest friend, Sariah Brunt, who has a business focussed on personal development called Women Who Win. She invited me to a private group where she personally coached and taught us how to build strong and powerful minds to reach our goals. My goal specifically -- ace the UCAT, and get into medical school.

Universal Clinical Admission Test. It is THE test that ones sits (those without undergraduate degrees) to get into medical school in Australia / UK. And you have to score pretty high as it is very competitive. It has five subtests, all of which are not designed to be easy, and I had to study some of these topics from scratch. 

Blessings through the ashes.

I did not get the result that Sariah and I aimed for. 

And I have to tell you, that I am really grateful for that. If I had gotten that high score and began studying as a doctor this semester, let me tell you, I would not have survived one week. (Probably). 

Instead, I am studying a Bachelor's Degree of Medical Science, (it's a fancy science degree that gets you no career whatsoever) and this in itself is really hard. We are in second week now, and I am struggling with one or two or three topics, maybe all four if I really want to be hard on myself, lol, but my progression in the last two weeks has increased so much I am amazed at my own achievements. And the more that I study this topic, the more I realised how unprepared I was to go straight into medical school. It is better that I finish this degree, or at least ONE degree before I start medical school, probably.

I had gotten used to not living up to my potential. I had gotten used to the kind of life where the only thing that I have to really push myself is to get up for work in the morning -- work which brought income mainly for leisure, because we weren't renting until recently. 

I had been suffocating myself in the need to stay right where I am rather than leave my comfort zone. And my potential, I feel over time, was being slowly wiped out by my own weak mind. And my confidence in myself, and my drive, and my will to do great things, had somehow died. 

Let me put it this way. 

Not so long ago, the Australian bushfires rummaged throughout our country and we experienced devastating losses. In comparison (a very, very, almost blasphemic comparison), I had lost all my confidence in myself. 

But, look here. 

Scroll through this website for more inspiring images from nature. https://www.abc.net.au/news/2020-02-01/natural-bushfire-recovery-underway-binna-burra,-blue-mountains/11916742?nw=0

There is evidence of regrowth in areas affected by the fire. And maybe, this little plant, despite weather conditions, despite pollution, despite being reduced to ash, will continue to seek the sun and one day flower all over and be overwhelmingly beautiful.

And maybe, one day, if I keep maintaining my strong and powerful mind, I will achieve my dream of being a doctor.

(I don't know anything about nature, but my bet is that this tree will flower completely again way before I finish my studies at university, lol).

Written with love,

Eliza.