Not Worth Knowing

 Dear readers

I come to you with feelings on the darker side of the human spectrum but in tiny hope that by the end of my writing this, I will feel okay. 

This is not a rant about how angry I am. No, oh no. This is a distraction. 

Have you ever felt lonely? Have you ever felt so lonely that you just wanted to stop trying? To stop coming. To stop turning up. To stop being the first to make conversation. 

It's not like anyone would ever miss me, after all, if they did, wouldn't they make a greater effort to get to know me? 

Am I just… not worth knowing?

These have been my feelings very often lately.

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and feeling lonely in a crowd full of my fellow congregants of my own age group happens very often.

It's my little joke that when I make the effort to go to our weekly bible-study classes (for those aged 18 - 30) that I need to take my little 3 month old baby just so that I have someone to sit with. 

The reason why I love attending institute is because I love learning. 

But if I'm being honest, the reason now that I choose to attend institute is because I feel lonely as a new mother. I don't have many friends and the friends that I do have are often busy or I'm just actually too tired to make a day out of it. One time I did make an appointment with a friend and I clean forgot! I do not think she is interested in remaking that appointment.

One night before attending class I was actually so nervous because the last time that I went no one sat next to me. Literally empty seats on either side of me in a room full of people. So I didn't want to go and experience that again. 

As I was preparing to go to institute, I was thinking about bringing my baby so at least I can pretend to be busy and not look lonely. Something I had never done before but I felt … desperate.

I got into a bad funk. I took a shower and couldn't stop crying. Why should I be going to institute when no one cares to say hello unless I say hello first? Why should I be going when hardly anyone cares to learn my name? When hardly anyone will quite literally, just sit next to me? I cried to my Heavenly Father, please. Please, Heavenly Father, I don't want to feel this way. Don't I have any friends? I just want a friend.

I guess I’ve got Ada. 

I got dressed, prepared the baby bag, fed my baby. And then popped her in the car and off we went. 

Down the drive way until my phone started going off. 

I thought--I'm driving I should just ignore it. What's more was that it was a FaceTime request and those are definitely illegal to take while driving. But I just had a feeling that I should just take the call and explain that we could talk tomorrow. So I pulled over. 

It was a dear friend that I haven't seen in quite a while. She has never called me before. It's possible she doesn’t often call her friends out of the blue like this. I explained I was on my way to institute but that I'd be happy to talk tomorrow. And then thought nothing of it for a while.

And I went to institute. And as predicted, again, no one sat next to me. Having a baby didn't encourage any friends to sit with me. In fact, it seemed to discourage people, as everyone chose to sit in the back row rather than with me in the front row, or even the second row, no one was sitting the the second row. 

What is wrong with you people? Or rather, what is wrong with me? Am I truly that distasteful? Am I truly not worth knowing? 

The next day my friend called me back, fulfilling her promise. 

She told me that she wanted to call me and check on me because I'm a new mum. 

I realised then that her phone call last night was nothing to do with Providence distracting me from driving. Her phone call was actually Heavenly Father's way of answering my desperate cries. A lonely cry from just moments before. 

She could have called the next day. But she must’ve felt prompted to call me right then and there, because God knew that I needed a reminder …

That I am worth knowing. 

I'm a new mum. And even as I struggle to finish writing this, my poor baby cries at the top of her tiny lungs and I've just about had enough. 

Here I am, going through the dark tunnel, and there IS no light at the end of the tunnel but I have two feet and they just keep going one step after the other. And I can’t see the light but I have faith that there is light so I keep on coming. I keep turning up. I keep on talking.  

That is hope. And my friend calling me out of the blue? That is God working to keep me going. 

Written with love, 

Eliza. 

Mother in Zion

Dear readers 

It has quite literally been one year since I've written. A lot has happened in one year. I've moved houses twice. I've had a baby. Lawrence started working full time. 

Hoarding A Secret

The reason that I stopped writing, I am ashamed to admit, is because I was hoarding a huge secret. Obviously, the cat's out of the bag now, I was pregnant, ta da ~ 

And I couldn't admit publicly that I WAS pregnant because I let my anxieties control me. I didn't want to lose this precious baby. 

I remember early 2020, being pregnant for the third time, and being so anxious and so careful that I stopped work almost as soon as I found out I was carrying. 

My Dad gave me a priesthood blessing and in it he prophesied that I would carry this baby full term. But I never did. Baby lost at 11 weeks. 

After that one, I was so afraid. I was afraid to breathe. I was afraid to think. I was afraid of being afraid. 

The psychologist focussed on that last sentence. Afraid of being afraid. It means that I was scared of being pregnant again because being pregnant made me scared. 

I remember feeling sad, so sad. I remember feeling like I was used to feeling sad. 

You may be wondering how I was able to overcome that sadness and how I had the courage to try again. 

Truth is; I still am very sad over my lost pregnancies, all three of them. And I don't know how I had the courage to try again. But I know that talking to a psychologist helped me immensely. Prayers, fasting, searching my soul, studying the scriptures and being where I was meant to be also helped me receive the strength and revelation to try again. 

I want to share something slightly intimate with you. 

A Beautiful Dream

I knew that I was going to have a girl before we were told baby's gender. Sometime after one of my lost pregnancies, I remember feeling very down and depressed, and I was so sorrowful that sometimes I would cry myself to sleep. I guess you might say that this was a time I was grieving. In my sadness, I lay down to sleep. Sleeping at least takes away the pain. 

And I had a dream--a beautiful dream that feels so real that you believe you can feel and smell and hear and see fine details. My dream was so simple. I was sitting down holding a beautiful wrapped baby with both arms. The baby was sleeping in my arms, so peaceful, so small and so warm. She was a girl. And I was talking to her, telling her that we were both waiting for her daddy to come home. I was telling her how much I loved her and her daddy and as I was speaking to her, she stayed asleep, so content to be held by me, her mother. 

I remember waking up and feeling every part of my body and soul wanting that child, wanting to hold that child and to be with that child. I was in despair that it was only a dream, my disappointment amplified because it had felt so real, only to be snatched away by waking up. In way it was real. Wasn't this a vision of the future? Sent by God to me in my deepest despair? I wanted it. But I couldn't have it; it was like sand slipping through my grasp. 

I knew then that I wouldn't give up. Not really. That vision of the future was sent to me by my loving Heavenly Father. I felt loved by my Heavenly Father in that moment, like the feeling you get when someone hands you a sealed letter or a wrapped gift and your heart beats steady and louder because your soul knows someone loves you. Someone knows you personally and loves you. And they’ve given you a gift. God gifted me with a future memory to live by. 

I want you to know that I know that God loves you. He wants to give you revelation. He wants to speak to you! 

"And now, verily, I the Lord, will show unto you what I will concerning you, or what is my will concerning you."

- Doctrine and Covenants 66:4

There is one more miracle I would have you know. 

Mother In Zion 

Someone else gave me a blessing after I lost that third pregnancy. And when he lay his hands upon my head, he prophesied that I would be a Mother in Zion.

That title, beautiful as it is, the Lord has given it to me through this blessing. 

And I LOVE being a mother in Zion. 

Ada Love McKellar, it is an absolute honour to be your mother. 

You are exactly 14 weeks old today. Growing so fast, there isn’t enough time in the world for me to enjoy you. But darling know this; you are my dream come true. 

Thanks for reading, 

as always, 

written with love,

Eliza. 

There is always a rainbow after the rain. Remember, God always keeps his promises. 

Reason to Hope

 Dear readers 

For those amongst my reading audience who are not yet married, I want to tell you my favourite quality about my husband. 

                                                        Your Best Quality, Someone Already Has 

He is really patient.

And for those who are happily, (or maybe unhappily--eek!) married, I ask you to consider what you believe is your spouse's best quality, but not just his/her best quality, the characteristic in their being that complements you the most and brings the best out of you. For me, it is my husband's loving patience as we both deal with my emotional turmoils day in and day out. What's yours?

And now for those who aren't married, and I don't care whether you are young and actively looking for your "soul mate" or older and prayerfully know that you haven't met them yet, this is also what I want you to consider. What is the best characteristic that you need in your eternal spouse? It may not even be something that you know you need, but I invite you to pray and ask Heavenly Father to know what you need so that it can help you in your search. 

But here is what I want all of us to consider:

Whatever best quality your future spouse will have, someone very close to you already has it. And you can take full advantage of that, if you know who I am talking about.

I am referring to Heavenly Father. 

When my husband gave me a priesthood blessing recently, there was a specific question that I had in my mind that I needed an answer to. And it was answered.

And upon re-reading my journal entries from earlier this year, I realised that it was not the first time that I have asked this question to Heavenly Father, and that was actually the second time that he patiently answered the same question.

Because amongst the midst of my current depression and anxiety, I had forgotten that I already received revelation on this topic. 

And yet Heavenly Father was really patient with me, and He reminded me that he supports my goals, that my goals are His goals, and that He will help me achieve them according to my faith.

A Learning Experience At Work

It makes me wonder what our attitude should be like when we are experiencing hardship and pain. 

At the hospital recently, there was a client literally in tears when I came to escort her to the radiology department for a CT scan. She said, "Please pray for me. Oh God, I've been good my whole life, haven't I? I've tried to be good my whole life. Please, please, please, God." 

I think that as a community, we are too quick to put blame somewhere! We blame others, we blame the government, we blame CHINA, we blame God, whenever anything becomes out of our control.

I have to admit that this nice lady was kind of annoying because she would not stop complaining. But, her brownie point is that she was very persistent in praying to God, even if she was petitioning her will on His. Anyway, me being me, took the opportunity to say a quick prayer for her.

To my surprise, on the way back from her procedure, she asked me, "Do you think that I'm going on and on about nothing? Do you think that I have reason to be scared?" 

I answered her politely, "I think that being in hospital you should be a little worried. But I also think that you can be stronger. I know that you can be stronger." 

And she thought about that quietly. I continued, "I think you have reason to hope." 

And as I was speaking and trying to comfort this lady, I realised that I was also giving advice to myself. 

God Gave Me Reason to Hope

At the end of the day, my Heavenly Father has always given me reason to hope. I am soooo lucky to have survived my first pregnancy. I was told that the doctors had saved my life. But I am also lucky to be born in a country, in a city, with access to emergency doctors with emergency resources, and I'm completely blessed that a doctor was around who knew exactly what to do and how to do it well and worked in the hospital that I was rushed to.

In my life, I have been tempted time and time again to just feel sorry for myself. And I have fallen down that path. I have fallen into pits of despair feeling sorry for myself. I was like that lady in the hospital, "God, please, please, please take this cup away from me. Please, please, please anything but this, can't you see that I can't handle this anymore?" 

One time I gave God an ultimatum, which you should never, ever do. I was on the lowest point of my mental health, and I know now that I had been living on high stress for way too long, plus other factors. I got out of bed, and started to make my way to the kitchen. I was thinking about where the sharpest knife was. But two steps before the kitchen in our little apartment was the piano and the piano stool. I sat there and I cried to God saying, "Please God, if there were or are any angels in the world, you'd better send them now."

And then the angels came. 

And AFTER this problem was seemingly resolved, we lost our first baby. But I knew that from previous experience that God's hand was in my life. And even when I lost the second baby, I still knew that it would be okay. (Just sometimes, I forgot.) And even when I lost the third pregnancy, I still knew that God lived. Because I lived. He had saved my life on this earth, as temporary as it may be to Him, He had saved my life twice.

Now, I know that He lives through the little things. Procuring a secure job in a flexible workplace gives me reason to hope. Still being able to conceive (even if I can't seem to keep them at the moment, too) gives me reason to hope. Being accepted into a tricky course at university, gives me reason to hope. The fact that I am still worthy enough to hold a calling in The Church gives me reason to hope. Lawrence's deep well of never-ending patience and love for me also gives me reason to hope.

What gives you reason to hope?

I have hopes of being a mother one day, of being a doctor one day, of being with Lawrence for all of time and eternity. I have hopes of being a good influence on my family, my extended family, the young people around me. I have hopes in doing the Lord's will, and in creating peace and harmony wherever I reside. 

What are your hopes?

God is absolutely perfect. It is so hard to trust sometimes, but He does know better than the smartest of us. And He IS in control of our lives, I testify that with all my heart, soul and being. But life will NOT go the way we want it to, I can almost testify that is just as true, haha. 

What to do/ What not to do

All we need to do ... is written in the scriptures:

Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men.

Does having a perfect brightness of hope sound like that lady in the hospital that I escorted?

Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life. (2 Nephi 31: 20). 

Hope is, after all, trust in God's promises and that if we act in faith we will be blessed in the future.

And what we definitely should not do ... is also written in the scriptures:

And notwithstanding the signs and the wonders which were wrought among the people of the Lord, and the many miracles which they did, Satan did get great hold upon the hearts of the people upon all the face of the land. (Helaman 16:23).

And the scriptures also say, "[They] began to depend upon their own strength and upon their own wisdom," (Helaman 16:15).

These type of people said, "For we cannot witness with our own eyes that they are true." (Helaman 16:20).

What do you think happened to these people when Jesus came and all the signs came to pass? They were shocked to witness that God keeps His promises (in this case, prophecies as foretold in ancient scripture).

Dear readers, please find it in you today to find the reason to hope, as I have. Don't take my word for it, pray, fast and do everything in your power to allow God to tell you that He will keep His promises. 

Tell me readers, what gives you reason to hope? I want to hear from you. 

Written with love,

Eliza Mckellar. 

Reduced to ash

I had been suffocating myself in the need to stay right where I am rather than leave my comfort zone. And my potential, I feel over time, was being slowly wiped out by my own weak mind.

Dear readers,

I wonder if you once had a childhood dream? Did you want to be a ballerina? A fire fighter? A superhero? 

I wanted to be a teacher. I loved learning as a child, and I still do love learning! And I loved teaching others which made me always Feel Smart, lol. 

The Miracle of Knowing Your Calling

From a young age I have been teaching others about God. When I was in kindergarten, I had a friend named Christine. I don't even remember why, but one day during recess I was telling her about Heavenly Father, how he lives in the sky, how we can pray to him and that we can always tell him anything. She acted really weird for a five year old. She put her play hat over her face and hid it from me. I had to lift up her hat to check that she wasn't crying. When she wasn't crying, I repeated myself, asking, "Are you listening Christine? Can you hear me?" 

I knew that teaching was my calling. 

And Heavenly Father has blessed me with many opportunities to teach throughout my years. My first calling within The Church when I turned 18 was Sunday School Teacher. And because my birthday is in December, I was teaching the same class that I had attended as a student just a few weeks ago. 

At 19 years of age, exactly one month after my birthday, I was teaching in the Philippines as a missionary of Jesus Christ. I was teaching the gospel to people who would hide their faces from me, again. 

When I returned at 20 years of age, I was called to be a seminary teacher.

When I got married at 21 years of age and moved to Adelaide, the Lord saw fit for me to reinstate my calling as seminary teacher. 

When I moved to Sydney near one year later I was called as Primary Music Leader (best calling ever), which is basically just teaching hymns to the children. 

I knew that teaching was my calling but I realised late in life that it was not my dream. 

Rewind.

The Miracle of Personal Revelation

When I was 18 years old I was sitting one day in the University of Sydney at a desk during orientation day. Everyone in that tutorial room sitting with them were aspiring to be high school teachers. And as I sat there, I saw my whole life set out before me and for the first time in my life, felt unsure about my decision. I remember thinking, "I do not want to do this for the rest of my life." After the orientation I left for home and pondered and prayed about if I should continue the course or serve a mission by next year.

Eventually, I threw all the pros out the window and decided that I didn't want to be a teacher like I had when I was child. I was going to serve a mission and then figure myself out later. 

And as I walked through the mission fields and realised how much people suffered in health, I knew that I wanted to get into the medical field. 

So I started a paramedicine degree in Sydney, which I absolutely loved (still love learning) continued it in Adelaide, had a bad mental health year and needed everything to stop to focus on family, health, and my marriage. 

And for a while now, the Spirit kept gently telling me that I need still need to go out there and fulfil my potential in this life. And during this whole pandemic season, I started to listen.

One day while at work at the hospital, I realised that I had stopped wanting to be a paramedic. I realised that I no longer saw myself doing what they do, as important and interesting it may be. I know because of my mission that I wanted to work in the medical and health field, but I also wanted to obtain a profession that I feel would have the greatest impact on the world. 

And that led me to wanting to become a doctor. I prayed and prayed and pondered about this. I had deep conversation with Heavenly Father, I told him, "Heavenly Father, I know I'm a smart cookie, but I'm not THAT much of a smart cookie." (Pretty deep, huh? lol). I said, "Heavenly Father, I am going to go for this, and I feel that this is right for me. Are you going to help me?"

And personal revelation taught me that The Lord Loves Effort, but He can only help me as much as I can help myself. Meaning that, if I thought that being a paramedic, and studying to be a paramedic was hard, studying to be a doctor and being a doctor will be much, much, harder. I knew that I will have to work harder than I've ever worked in my entire life. 

And this happened around the time I was having meaningful conversations with my dearest friend, Sariah Brunt, who has a business focussed on personal development called Women Who Win. She invited me to a private group where she personally coached and taught us how to build strong and powerful minds to reach our goals. My goal specifically -- ace the UCAT, and get into medical school.

Universal Clinical Admission Test. It is THE test that ones sits (those without undergraduate degrees) to get into medical school in Australia / UK. And you have to score pretty high as it is very competitive. It has five subtests, all of which are not designed to be easy, and I had to study some of these topics from scratch. 

Blessings through the ashes.

I did not get the result that Sariah and I aimed for. 

And I have to tell you, that I am really grateful for that. If I had gotten that high score and began studying as a doctor this semester, let me tell you, I would not have survived one week. (Probably). 

Instead, I am studying a Bachelor's Degree of Medical Science, (it's a fancy science degree that gets you no career whatsoever) and this in itself is really hard. We are in second week now, and I am struggling with one or two or three topics, maybe all four if I really want to be hard on myself, lol, but my progression in the last two weeks has increased so much I am amazed at my own achievements. And the more that I study this topic, the more I realised how unprepared I was to go straight into medical school. It is better that I finish this degree, or at least ONE degree before I start medical school, probably.

I had gotten used to not living up to my potential. I had gotten used to the kind of life where the only thing that I have to really push myself is to get up for work in the morning -- work which brought income mainly for leisure, because we weren't renting until recently. 

I had been suffocating myself in the need to stay right where I am rather than leave my comfort zone. And my potential, I feel over time, was being slowly wiped out by my own weak mind. And my confidence in myself, and my drive, and my will to do great things, had somehow died. 

Let me put it this way. 

Not so long ago, the Australian bushfires rummaged throughout our country and we experienced devastating losses. In comparison (a very, very, almost blasphemic comparison), I had lost all my confidence in myself. 

But, look here. 

Scroll through this website for more inspiring images from nature. https://www.abc.net.au/news/2020-02-01/natural-bushfire-recovery-underway-binna-burra,-blue-mountains/11916742?nw=0

There is evidence of regrowth in areas affected by the fire. And maybe, this little plant, despite weather conditions, despite pollution, despite being reduced to ash, will continue to seek the sun and one day flower all over and be overwhelmingly beautiful.

And maybe, one day, if I keep maintaining my strong and powerful mind, I will achieve my dream of being a doctor.

(I don't know anything about nature, but my bet is that this tree will flower completely again way before I finish my studies at university, lol).

Written with love,

Eliza.

The Angels Came

Dear readers 

I want to write about something personal. Someone recently asked me what the purpose for my blog writing was. Obviously, it is not very popular. And although I do want more readers, publicity was never my goal. 

Yes, I have a theme. Every day miracles in an ordinary life. The idea was the see the beautiful in the bleak, to feel the joy in my pains, and feel God's presence while my heart was breaking. 

But my blog writing is also therapeutic to me. My journal writing, being private, had become ever so depressing. Picking up my previous journals in a hard time of my life always makes me feel sad. I had felt so lonely. I had felt like there was no hope, and you can feel it with every word I wrote in those pages.

So I started blog writing with an intended audience to force myself to look at the bright side of things as I work through the things in my mind that have made significant impact on me and shaped who I am today.

Today, with permission, without too many details, and hopefully without offending anyone, I am going to talk about my first year of marriage.

Two years ago I was supposed to be the happiest woman alive living in a fairy tale. But instead, I missed my family terribly--and never admitted it to myself--and felt very alone and lived with someone who I realised, although I loved very much, did not know completely. And he did not know me completely either. Not to dramatise my experience, but my husband and I were simply very new at being married and had to learn with each how to treat other as husband/wife. And it was really difficult for me because I refused to admit that I actually needed a stronger support system. It took me going to see a psychologist to realise that I didn't have a strong enough support system, as much as I love my friends that I had at the time. It wasn't enough.

Things were not good. Outwardly, I suppose it looked like I was winning. I was studying to be a paramedic, a very competitive course to be studying at the university that I was going to. I was working part time, which is a huge blessing in South Australia. I had a calling that I absolutely adored. Really kept me on my toes though, I miss those kids that I served. I said yes to practically anything that came my way. Working with the missionaries. Playing piano for the church congregation. Helping to clean houses. Helping to move. Giving rides. Dropping off dinner. Visiting a lonely friend. All the while balancing being a wife to Lawrence, who was equally as busy as me, if not busier because he had to handle me at my worst, lol. But everything was falling a part. 

My mental health, I have mentioned in a previous post named The Unwanted, went spiralling downwards. 

I remember sitting at our piano stool and praying. I prayed. I said, God, if there ever was an angel on earth, better send me one now.

And then I remembered that there was one text message that I hadn't replied to yet. It came from yesterday afternoon. I decided to reply to this number and ask for them to come.

So the angels came.

They sang, they laughed, they hugged, they played music. They prayed. They kissed me goodbye. And then they left.

When these dear friends of mine left, I was alone again in my apartment. But I knelt down in gratitude to my God who I know heard my prayer and was very aware of my circumstance.

Lawrence and I started doing this particular thing together when we realised that we were having serious problems, problems that were affecting both of us, not just me. We started to fast together for a very specific purpose. We prayed and fasted once a month that the trials we went through would make our marriage stronger. We did this consistently for perhaps six months until we moved to Sydney.

And Heavenly Father, as always, has delivered on His promise.

To my dear readers, I believe in miracles. And I find miracles in my every day life because I am a covenant keeper. I have covenanted to serve God, and in return He makes me miracles. 

I wouldn't have lived our first year of marriage any other way. Although I made mistakes, I wouldn't have learned as much without them.

And Lawrence and I have had many hard and difficult discussions, as I imagine most couples, or even all couples do. But with God's guiding hands, our marriage is in a good and even great place right now. For me anyway, lol. 

Dear reader, I hope you get to be someone's angel one day. And I hope God sends you angels when you need them to come to you. 

Written with love,

Eliza.

Measure of Creation

Dear readers

I am writing this post on Mother’s Day, 10^th May 2020. 

Happy Mother's Day

I love that the world which consists of many different countries and cultures all celebrate the divine role of motherhood. Our mothers are irreplaceable. There is no one like mother, like there is no place like home.

Our Heavenly Father designed this earth life with the intention for us to fulfil our measure of creation. To achieve this, he designed each and every one of his children to be born to a mother within a family. This is the way that heaven is designed. Families are the foundation of Heavenly Father’s plan of salvation.

Yet, I acknowledge that there are bad parents out there. I acknowledge death and estrangement and war torn countries. But I know that this plan of salvation and part of our purpose here on earth is to have trials, temptations, heartbreak and anger. As tough love as it sounds, that is the sure way to progression. And is it really tough love when Heavenly Father has provided a way for us to have peace and happiness no matter what trial? It is through the Atonement of His Son Jesus Christ. Like the people of Moses, all we have to do is look at the serpent and be saved. It is as easy as one, two, three, if you let it.

What Does The Lord Want To Happen In My Life?

Sister Wendy Nelson once accompanied her husband to Sydney to speak to us. These three subheadings and the principles I learned from them are derived from her talk. It sets out three type of prayers that we can use to strengthen the power of prayer.

I came across this question in my life at a time that I hardly knew any pain. I certainly hadn’t had any life threatening experiences back then and certainly wasn’t planning to. But I knew that my life would not be so dandy. In fact, before I married my husband, I had a distinct impression that my life after marriage would not be easy. The Spirit was preparing me to be strong for the challenges up ahead. But I also knew that marrying Lawrence was something that the Lord wanted to happen in my life. And I also knew that the Lord intended for us to have children.

Can you believe that I accept that the Lord also intended for us to lose our pregnancies?

If I had given birth to my first pregnancy ... then I would have a two month old baby right now. How absolutely heartbreaking is it that I am mourning that loss of our first pregnancy on a day that celebrates Motherhood? How absolutely heartbreaking is it for you, reader? But I can rejoice in the fact that Lawrence and I had this experience together and grew from it all the more. Sometimes, we need life changing occurrences and heavy grief to wake our faith from a tiny spark to a roaring flame. 

And I didn’t know that it was possible, but from this tragic loss grew the miracle of faith.

Thy Will Be Done

Prayers are a powerful thing. But we have to know how to pray right. The beautiful thing about prayer is that it is an unbreakable and direct connection to the heavens. Heaven truly prompts us to pray for what the Lord wants of us, but only if we are in tune. It is a wonderful experience to pause and slowly speak as we pray to listen to the whispering prompting of the Spirit within our heart.

Maybe Heavenly Father intends for your happy marriage, but with another person and not the person you have in mind.

Maybe Heavenly Father intends for you to have a long engagement, kind of like Lawrence and I.

Maybe Heavenly Father wants you to wait for the Right Moment. To start a family. To change jobs. To build a home. To visit a loved one. To bear your testimony. To change the daily schedule with your companion on a mission! I loved doing that. Every time the Spirit prompted me to do that, a miracle ALWAYS occurred.

Heaven prompts us to pray for what the Lord wants of us, if we are in tune.

And when we pray and have that power... that’s when miracles happen.

Or Something Better

This is a hard one to swallow. We can really want something with all of our heart, only to realise that it literally is not possible.

That promotion at work? Offered to someone else.

That house that you had your heart set on? Already sold.

Sister Wendy Nelson, wife of the President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, shared an experience regarding our first modern day Prophet Joseph Smith. Joseph Smith sat down with his family in front a meagre meal. When he blessed the food, he prayed “for something better” and received flour and ham at the door moments later.

The moral of this story is that the Lord may know something better than we ever know to ask.

The miracle of Motherhood.

One of the miracles that came out of the trial of losing my pregnancies ... was that the Lord knows that I can be a great influence to children and called me to serve the primary ever since that I came back to live with my parents in 2018. I love serving the primary and am happy to do this for the rest of my life. (Don’t take that seriously pls Bishop).

Another miracle of Motherhood is how well my family currently gets along with my Lola, my mother’s mum. My Lola was a less-active member of the Church for a long time and also felt bitter about things that happened twenty years ago. Don’t anyone be like that, please. But she came back gradually by the miracle of the faith of my mother who went to the temple each week and consistently submitted my Lola’s name on the prayer roll. There wasn’t a day in the temple for perhaps two-three years when my grandmother’s name wasn’t on the temple prayer rolls. In 2017, my grandmother not only came back to church, but also attended the most sacred part of my wedding day when she was there to witness the sealing ordinance of marriage between my husband and I. Certainly by doing this, my mother was fulfilling her measure of creation and also helping my Lola fulfil her measure of creation.

What miracles of motherhood have you experienced in your daily life?

Written with love,

Eliza.

Like unto yourselves

Dear readers

A few weeks ago, my beloved country, in the land down under, began to hilariously, aggressively, and inexpicably, panic buy toilet paper. That is, we all started to stock up. To the point where many Australians could not locate any rolls. To the point where people began verbally abusing staff members, and at times physically fighting other local shoppers.

What a people we have turned into.

If you happened to donate something for our bushfire relief last season ... this is the people you gave it to. Haha.

During this time it was really, really easy to forget to look and care for others other than ourselves. Other than our immediate household and family members. It became really easy to ignore the elderly looking for their essential items in the shopping centre. It became too easy to over buy items.

Australian authorities had to actually step in and take measures to prevent people panic buying. Costco had “toilet paper tickets” - one per household. Most big chain grocery stores, perhaps all of them, introduced buying restrictions on flour, sugar and other items. Only two per customer.

Pensioners had a designated shopping hour every morning. Health care workers were very kindly given an exclusive designated shopping hour on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. It got to the point where if I walked into ALDI to buy some dog food — literally only dog food — on my way home from work, I got stares for being a health care worker. I realised later that it may have been because people were either scared I was carrying COVID-19 on me or because I didn’t do my shopping on a Thursday or Tuesday morning.

Even if looking for your family is your first priority, the whole general atmosphere that our society was brewing did not make it feel right. Not right at all.

I think Jacob, a prophet from the Book of Mormon, described the sort of atmosphere that we all should have been striving for.

Think of your brethren like unto yourselves, and be familiar with all and free with your substance, that they may be rich like unto you. 

It goes with the old saying, treat others the way you want to be treated. Yet Jacob takes it further. He says that we should give of our things freely that others may be rich like unto us. Maybe, in his society, that's exactly what they did. Maybe their community lived in a perfect Zion. Or perhaps, they at least strived to. It is what our Heavenly Father wants us to do -- and it is what The Church practices. We freely give 10% of our gross income which goes into Church funds and on top of that we pay generous fast offerings and other donations every month and these donations go directly to the poor that need it. There was a time in my life (won't share when) when I had to rely on those donations to keep a roof over my head.

Jacob goes on. 

But before ye seek for riches, seek ye for the kingdom of God. 

And after ye have obtained a hope in Christ ye shall obtain riches, if ye seek them; and ye will week them for the intent to do good --to clothe the naked, and to feed the hungry, and to liberate the captive, and administer relief to the sick and the afflicted.

                                                                                                                            Jacob 2:17-19

I believe that the general idea isn't that we give everything until we ourselves are downtrodden poor. The Lord does want us to be self reliant. But He also wants us to obtain riches for the purpose of giving back. The more we have, the more we give. And then the more blessings we receive.

During this time many businesses had to close down. Many, many people lost their jobs and still had debts to pay. Our Australian banks have allowed most payments to be temporarily withheld upon request. And this has helped significantly I’m sure with many households. But not everyone can survive financially and it’s been hard for those who have had to stop working. It’s been hard for those renting, and for landlords who rely on rent as income.

Yet this isn’t the first time that the Lords faithful saints have experienced huge financial debt. He gave these words to this early saints:

And again, verily I say unto you, concerning your debts--behold it is my will that you shall pay all your debts. 

And it is my will that you shall humble yourselves before me, and obtain this blessing by your diligence and humility and the prayer of faith. 

And inasmuch as you are diligent and humble, and exercise the prayer of faith, behold, I will soften the hearts of those to whom you are in debt, until I shall send means unto you for your deliverance.

Doctrine and Covenants 104: 78-80

Isn't that the blessing that you want? For deliverance from financial disaster and poverty?

But for those of us who yet experience such trials, our Lord is aware of who you are. He has provided a way for you to obtain peace even in this life. I recommend reading the whole talk. One couldn't rightfully criticise this next passage if they read the whole talk.

Lose yourself in the service of others. As Jesus said, “Whosoever will save his life shall lose it; and whosoever will lose his life … shall find it” (Matt. 16:25). If you are fed up with your life, if you feel an oppressive loneliness, if you feel you are of no worth, go out and look up somebody who is in worse condition than you are—and you will find very many of them. Read to the blind, read to the aged, help those in distress, comfort those who are in sorrow. Give a little of your substance to those who are in need. Share and the world will become a sweeter, more delightful place for you. “Look to God and live” (Alma 37:47). There is so much to be done that can be wonderfully rewarding. Link here: Gordon B Hinckley

Throughout all of this, many people have been frightened and scared. Many people have doubted God and allowed fear to control them. 

But not I. 

I once allowed fear to control me but then chose to overcome it with the strength and power and blessings that come from the temple of God. I am not afraid.

That's the miracle of believing in God. 

Even when the whole world goes to kaput, I can stay calm. Even when everyone else around me gives into their fear and panics, I can stay calm. Partially because, yes, I trust in God that everything will be okay, but also because ... I've been preparing for this.

I may have mentioned before. Throughout my life, Heavenly Father prepares me to be strong enough to face challenges. And He prepares you, too. But only if you're listening to Him. 

Written with love,

Eliza.