Reason to Hope

 Dear readers 

For those amongst my reading audience who are not yet married, I want to tell you my favourite quality about my husband. 

                                                        Your Best Quality, Someone Already Has 

He is really patient.

And for those who are happily, (or maybe unhappily--eek!) married, I ask you to consider what you believe is your spouse's best quality, but not just his/her best quality, the characteristic in their being that complements you the most and brings the best out of you. For me, it is my husband's loving patience as we both deal with my emotional turmoils day in and day out. What's yours?

And now for those who aren't married, and I don't care whether you are young and actively looking for your "soul mate" or older and prayerfully know that you haven't met them yet, this is also what I want you to consider. What is the best characteristic that you need in your eternal spouse? It may not even be something that you know you need, but I invite you to pray and ask Heavenly Father to know what you need so that it can help you in your search. 

But here is what I want all of us to consider:

Whatever best quality your future spouse will have, someone very close to you already has it. And you can take full advantage of that, if you know who I am talking about.

I am referring to Heavenly Father. 

When my husband gave me a priesthood blessing recently, there was a specific question that I had in my mind that I needed an answer to. And it was answered.

And upon re-reading my journal entries from earlier this year, I realised that it was not the first time that I have asked this question to Heavenly Father, and that was actually the second time that he patiently answered the same question.

Because amongst the midst of my current depression and anxiety, I had forgotten that I already received revelation on this topic. 

And yet Heavenly Father was really patient with me, and He reminded me that he supports my goals, that my goals are His goals, and that He will help me achieve them according to my faith.

A Learning Experience At Work

It makes me wonder what our attitude should be like when we are experiencing hardship and pain. 

At the hospital recently, there was a client literally in tears when I came to escort her to the radiology department for a CT scan. She said, "Please pray for me. Oh God, I've been good my whole life, haven't I? I've tried to be good my whole life. Please, please, please, God." 

I think that as a community, we are too quick to put blame somewhere! We blame others, we blame the government, we blame CHINA, we blame God, whenever anything becomes out of our control.

I have to admit that this nice lady was kind of annoying because she would not stop complaining. But, her brownie point is that she was very persistent in praying to God, even if she was petitioning her will on His. Anyway, me being me, took the opportunity to say a quick prayer for her.

To my surprise, on the way back from her procedure, she asked me, "Do you think that I'm going on and on about nothing? Do you think that I have reason to be scared?" 

I answered her politely, "I think that being in hospital you should be a little worried. But I also think that you can be stronger. I know that you can be stronger." 

And she thought about that quietly. I continued, "I think you have reason to hope." 

And as I was speaking and trying to comfort this lady, I realised that I was also giving advice to myself. 

God Gave Me Reason to Hope

At the end of the day, my Heavenly Father has always given me reason to hope. I am soooo lucky to have survived my first pregnancy. I was told that the doctors had saved my life. But I am also lucky to be born in a country, in a city, with access to emergency doctors with emergency resources, and I'm completely blessed that a doctor was around who knew exactly what to do and how to do it well and worked in the hospital that I was rushed to.

In my life, I have been tempted time and time again to just feel sorry for myself. And I have fallen down that path. I have fallen into pits of despair feeling sorry for myself. I was like that lady in the hospital, "God, please, please, please take this cup away from me. Please, please, please anything but this, can't you see that I can't handle this anymore?" 

One time I gave God an ultimatum, which you should never, ever do. I was on the lowest point of my mental health, and I know now that I had been living on high stress for way too long, plus other factors. I got out of bed, and started to make my way to the kitchen. I was thinking about where the sharpest knife was. But two steps before the kitchen in our little apartment was the piano and the piano stool. I sat there and I cried to God saying, "Please God, if there were or are any angels in the world, you'd better send them now."

And then the angels came. 

And AFTER this problem was seemingly resolved, we lost our first baby. But I knew that from previous experience that God's hand was in my life. And even when I lost the second baby, I still knew that it would be okay. (Just sometimes, I forgot.) And even when I lost the third pregnancy, I still knew that God lived. Because I lived. He had saved my life on this earth, as temporary as it may be to Him, He had saved my life twice.

Now, I know that He lives through the little things. Procuring a secure job in a flexible workplace gives me reason to hope. Still being able to conceive (even if I can't seem to keep them at the moment, too) gives me reason to hope. Being accepted into a tricky course at university, gives me reason to hope. The fact that I am still worthy enough to hold a calling in The Church gives me reason to hope. Lawrence's deep well of never-ending patience and love for me also gives me reason to hope.

What gives you reason to hope?

I have hopes of being a mother one day, of being a doctor one day, of being with Lawrence for all of time and eternity. I have hopes of being a good influence on my family, my extended family, the young people around me. I have hopes in doing the Lord's will, and in creating peace and harmony wherever I reside. 

What are your hopes?

God is absolutely perfect. It is so hard to trust sometimes, but He does know better than the smartest of us. And He IS in control of our lives, I testify that with all my heart, soul and being. But life will NOT go the way we want it to, I can almost testify that is just as true, haha. 

What to do/ What not to do

All we need to do ... is written in the scriptures:

Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men.

Does having a perfect brightness of hope sound like that lady in the hospital that I escorted?

Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life. (2 Nephi 31: 20). 

Hope is, after all, trust in God's promises and that if we act in faith we will be blessed in the future.

And what we definitely should not do ... is also written in the scriptures:

And notwithstanding the signs and the wonders which were wrought among the people of the Lord, and the many miracles which they did, Satan did get great hold upon the hearts of the people upon all the face of the land. (Helaman 16:23).

And the scriptures also say, "[They] began to depend upon their own strength and upon their own wisdom," (Helaman 16:15).

These type of people said, "For we cannot witness with our own eyes that they are true." (Helaman 16:20).

What do you think happened to these people when Jesus came and all the signs came to pass? They were shocked to witness that God keeps His promises (in this case, prophecies as foretold in ancient scripture).

Dear readers, please find it in you today to find the reason to hope, as I have. Don't take my word for it, pray, fast and do everything in your power to allow God to tell you that He will keep His promises. 

Tell me readers, what gives you reason to hope? I want to hear from you. 

Written with love,

Eliza Mckellar. 

Reduced to ash

I had been suffocating myself in the need to stay right where I am rather than leave my comfort zone. And my potential, I feel over time, was being slowly wiped out by my own weak mind.

Dear readers,

I wonder if you once had a childhood dream? Did you want to be a ballerina? A fire fighter? A superhero? 

I wanted to be a teacher. I loved learning as a child, and I still do love learning! And I loved teaching others which made me always Feel Smart, lol. 

The Miracle of Knowing Your Calling

From a young age I have been teaching others about God. When I was in kindergarten, I had a friend named Christine. I don't even remember why, but one day during recess I was telling her about Heavenly Father, how he lives in the sky, how we can pray to him and that we can always tell him anything. She acted really weird for a five year old. She put her play hat over her face and hid it from me. I had to lift up her hat to check that she wasn't crying. When she wasn't crying, I repeated myself, asking, "Are you listening Christine? Can you hear me?" 

I knew that teaching was my calling. 

And Heavenly Father has blessed me with many opportunities to teach throughout my years. My first calling within The Church when I turned 18 was Sunday School Teacher. And because my birthday is in December, I was teaching the same class that I had attended as a student just a few weeks ago. 

At 19 years of age, exactly one month after my birthday, I was teaching in the Philippines as a missionary of Jesus Christ. I was teaching the gospel to people who would hide their faces from me, again. 

When I returned at 20 years of age, I was called to be a seminary teacher.

When I got married at 21 years of age and moved to Adelaide, the Lord saw fit for me to reinstate my calling as seminary teacher. 

When I moved to Sydney near one year later I was called as Primary Music Leader (best calling ever), which is basically just teaching hymns to the children. 

I knew that teaching was my calling but I realised late in life that it was not my dream. 

Rewind.

The Miracle of Personal Revelation

When I was 18 years old I was sitting one day in the University of Sydney at a desk during orientation day. Everyone in that tutorial room sitting with them were aspiring to be high school teachers. And as I sat there, I saw my whole life set out before me and for the first time in my life, felt unsure about my decision. I remember thinking, "I do not want to do this for the rest of my life." After the orientation I left for home and pondered and prayed about if I should continue the course or serve a mission by next year.

Eventually, I threw all the pros out the window and decided that I didn't want to be a teacher like I had when I was child. I was going to serve a mission and then figure myself out later. 

And as I walked through the mission fields and realised how much people suffered in health, I knew that I wanted to get into the medical field. 

So I started a paramedicine degree in Sydney, which I absolutely loved (still love learning) continued it in Adelaide, had a bad mental health year and needed everything to stop to focus on family, health, and my marriage. 

And for a while now, the Spirit kept gently telling me that I need still need to go out there and fulfil my potential in this life. And during this whole pandemic season, I started to listen.

One day while at work at the hospital, I realised that I had stopped wanting to be a paramedic. I realised that I no longer saw myself doing what they do, as important and interesting it may be. I know because of my mission that I wanted to work in the medical and health field, but I also wanted to obtain a profession that I feel would have the greatest impact on the world. 

And that led me to wanting to become a doctor. I prayed and prayed and pondered about this. I had deep conversation with Heavenly Father, I told him, "Heavenly Father, I know I'm a smart cookie, but I'm not THAT much of a smart cookie." (Pretty deep, huh? lol). I said, "Heavenly Father, I am going to go for this, and I feel that this is right for me. Are you going to help me?"

And personal revelation taught me that The Lord Loves Effort, but He can only help me as much as I can help myself. Meaning that, if I thought that being a paramedic, and studying to be a paramedic was hard, studying to be a doctor and being a doctor will be much, much, harder. I knew that I will have to work harder than I've ever worked in my entire life. 

And this happened around the time I was having meaningful conversations with my dearest friend, Sariah Brunt, who has a business focussed on personal development called Women Who Win. She invited me to a private group where she personally coached and taught us how to build strong and powerful minds to reach our goals. My goal specifically -- ace the UCAT, and get into medical school.

Universal Clinical Admission Test. It is THE test that ones sits (those without undergraduate degrees) to get into medical school in Australia / UK. And you have to score pretty high as it is very competitive. It has five subtests, all of which are not designed to be easy, and I had to study some of these topics from scratch. 

Blessings through the ashes.

I did not get the result that Sariah and I aimed for. 

And I have to tell you, that I am really grateful for that. If I had gotten that high score and began studying as a doctor this semester, let me tell you, I would not have survived one week. (Probably). 

Instead, I am studying a Bachelor's Degree of Medical Science, (it's a fancy science degree that gets you no career whatsoever) and this in itself is really hard. We are in second week now, and I am struggling with one or two or three topics, maybe all four if I really want to be hard on myself, lol, but my progression in the last two weeks has increased so much I am amazed at my own achievements. And the more that I study this topic, the more I realised how unprepared I was to go straight into medical school. It is better that I finish this degree, or at least ONE degree before I start medical school, probably.

I had gotten used to not living up to my potential. I had gotten used to the kind of life where the only thing that I have to really push myself is to get up for work in the morning -- work which brought income mainly for leisure, because we weren't renting until recently. 

I had been suffocating myself in the need to stay right where I am rather than leave my comfort zone. And my potential, I feel over time, was being slowly wiped out by my own weak mind. And my confidence in myself, and my drive, and my will to do great things, had somehow died. 

Let me put it this way. 

Not so long ago, the Australian bushfires rummaged throughout our country and we experienced devastating losses. In comparison (a very, very, almost blasphemic comparison), I had lost all my confidence in myself. 

But, look here. 

Scroll through this website for more inspiring images from nature. https://www.abc.net.au/news/2020-02-01/natural-bushfire-recovery-underway-binna-burra,-blue-mountains/11916742?nw=0

There is evidence of regrowth in areas affected by the fire. And maybe, this little plant, despite weather conditions, despite pollution, despite being reduced to ash, will continue to seek the sun and one day flower all over and be overwhelmingly beautiful.

And maybe, one day, if I keep maintaining my strong and powerful mind, I will achieve my dream of being a doctor.

(I don't know anything about nature, but my bet is that this tree will flower completely again way before I finish my studies at university, lol).

Written with love,

Eliza.

The Angels Came

Dear readers 

I want to write about something personal. Someone recently asked me what the purpose for my blog writing was. Obviously, it is not very popular. And although I do want more readers, publicity was never my goal. 

Yes, I have a theme. Every day miracles in an ordinary life. The idea was the see the beautiful in the bleak, to feel the joy in my pains, and feel God's presence while my heart was breaking. 

But my blog writing is also therapeutic to me. My journal writing, being private, had become ever so depressing. Picking up my previous journals in a hard time of my life always makes me feel sad. I had felt so lonely. I had felt like there was no hope, and you can feel it with every word I wrote in those pages.

So I started blog writing with an intended audience to force myself to look at the bright side of things as I work through the things in my mind that have made significant impact on me and shaped who I am today.

Today, with permission, without too many details, and hopefully without offending anyone, I am going to talk about my first year of marriage.

Two years ago I was supposed to be the happiest woman alive living in a fairy tale. But instead, I missed my family terribly--and never admitted it to myself--and felt very alone and lived with someone who I realised, although I loved very much, did not know completely. And he did not know me completely either. Not to dramatise my experience, but my husband and I were simply very new at being married and had to learn with each how to treat other as husband/wife. And it was really difficult for me because I refused to admit that I actually needed a stronger support system. It took me going to see a psychologist to realise that I didn't have a strong enough support system, as much as I love my friends that I had at the time. It wasn't enough.

Things were not good. Outwardly, I suppose it looked like I was winning. I was studying to be a paramedic, a very competitive course to be studying at the university that I was going to. I was working part time, which is a huge blessing in South Australia. I had a calling that I absolutely adored. Really kept me on my toes though, I miss those kids that I served. I said yes to practically anything that came my way. Working with the missionaries. Playing piano for the church congregation. Helping to clean houses. Helping to move. Giving rides. Dropping off dinner. Visiting a lonely friend. All the while balancing being a wife to Lawrence, who was equally as busy as me, if not busier because he had to handle me at my worst, lol. But everything was falling a part. 

My mental health, I have mentioned in a previous post named The Unwanted, went spiralling downwards. 

I remember sitting at our piano stool and praying. I prayed. I said, God, if there ever was an angel on earth, better send me one now.

And then I remembered that there was one text message that I hadn't replied to yet. It came from yesterday afternoon. I decided to reply to this number and ask for them to come.

So the angels came.

They sang, they laughed, they hugged, they played music. They prayed. They kissed me goodbye. And then they left.

When these dear friends of mine left, I was alone again in my apartment. But I knelt down in gratitude to my God who I know heard my prayer and was very aware of my circumstance.

Lawrence and I started doing this particular thing together when we realised that we were having serious problems, problems that were affecting both of us, not just me. We started to fast together for a very specific purpose. We prayed and fasted once a month that the trials we went through would make our marriage stronger. We did this consistently for perhaps six months until we moved to Sydney.

And Heavenly Father, as always, has delivered on His promise.

To my dear readers, I believe in miracles. And I find miracles in my every day life because I am a covenant keeper. I have covenanted to serve God, and in return He makes me miracles. 

I wouldn't have lived our first year of marriage any other way. Although I made mistakes, I wouldn't have learned as much without them.

And Lawrence and I have had many hard and difficult discussions, as I imagine most couples, or even all couples do. But with God's guiding hands, our marriage is in a good and even great place right now. For me anyway, lol. 

Dear reader, I hope you get to be someone's angel one day. And I hope God sends you angels when you need them to come to you. 

Written with love,

Eliza.

Measure of Creation

Dear readers

I am writing this post on Mother’s Day, 10^th May 2020. 

Happy Mother's Day

I love that the world which consists of many different countries and cultures all celebrate the divine role of motherhood. Our mothers are irreplaceable. There is no one like mother, like there is no place like home.

Our Heavenly Father designed this earth life with the intention for us to fulfil our measure of creation. To achieve this, he designed each and every one of his children to be born to a mother within a family. This is the way that heaven is designed. Families are the foundation of Heavenly Father’s plan of salvation.

Yet, I acknowledge that there are bad parents out there. I acknowledge death and estrangement and war torn countries. But I know that this plan of salvation and part of our purpose here on earth is to have trials, temptations, heartbreak and anger. As tough love as it sounds, that is the sure way to progression. And is it really tough love when Heavenly Father has provided a way for us to have peace and happiness no matter what trial? It is through the Atonement of His Son Jesus Christ. Like the people of Moses, all we have to do is look at the serpent and be saved. It is as easy as one, two, three, if you let it.

What Does The Lord Want To Happen In My Life?

Sister Wendy Nelson once accompanied her husband to Sydney to speak to us. These three subheadings and the principles I learned from them are derived from her talk. It sets out three type of prayers that we can use to strengthen the power of prayer.

I came across this question in my life at a time that I hardly knew any pain. I certainly hadn’t had any life threatening experiences back then and certainly wasn’t planning to. But I knew that my life would not be so dandy. In fact, before I married my husband, I had a distinct impression that my life after marriage would not be easy. The Spirit was preparing me to be strong for the challenges up ahead. But I also knew that marrying Lawrence was something that the Lord wanted to happen in my life. And I also knew that the Lord intended for us to have children.

Can you believe that I accept that the Lord also intended for us to lose our pregnancies?

If I had given birth to my first pregnancy ... then I would have a two month old baby right now. How absolutely heartbreaking is it that I am mourning that loss of our first pregnancy on a day that celebrates Motherhood? How absolutely heartbreaking is it for you, reader? But I can rejoice in the fact that Lawrence and I had this experience together and grew from it all the more. Sometimes, we need life changing occurrences and heavy grief to wake our faith from a tiny spark to a roaring flame. 

And I didn’t know that it was possible, but from this tragic loss grew the miracle of faith.

Thy Will Be Done

Prayers are a powerful thing. But we have to know how to pray right. The beautiful thing about prayer is that it is an unbreakable and direct connection to the heavens. Heaven truly prompts us to pray for what the Lord wants of us, but only if we are in tune. It is a wonderful experience to pause and slowly speak as we pray to listen to the whispering prompting of the Spirit within our heart.

Maybe Heavenly Father intends for your happy marriage, but with another person and not the person you have in mind.

Maybe Heavenly Father intends for you to have a long engagement, kind of like Lawrence and I.

Maybe Heavenly Father wants you to wait for the Right Moment. To start a family. To change jobs. To build a home. To visit a loved one. To bear your testimony. To change the daily schedule with your companion on a mission! I loved doing that. Every time the Spirit prompted me to do that, a miracle ALWAYS occurred.

Heaven prompts us to pray for what the Lord wants of us, if we are in tune.

And when we pray and have that power... that’s when miracles happen.

Or Something Better

This is a hard one to swallow. We can really want something with all of our heart, only to realise that it literally is not possible.

That promotion at work? Offered to someone else.

That house that you had your heart set on? Already sold.

Sister Wendy Nelson, wife of the President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, shared an experience regarding our first modern day Prophet Joseph Smith. Joseph Smith sat down with his family in front a meagre meal. When he blessed the food, he prayed “for something better” and received flour and ham at the door moments later.

The moral of this story is that the Lord may know something better than we ever know to ask.

The miracle of Motherhood.

One of the miracles that came out of the trial of losing my pregnancies ... was that the Lord knows that I can be a great influence to children and called me to serve the primary ever since that I came back to live with my parents in 2018. I love serving the primary and am happy to do this for the rest of my life. (Don’t take that seriously pls Bishop).

Another miracle of Motherhood is how well my family currently gets along with my Lola, my mother’s mum. My Lola was a less-active member of the Church for a long time and also felt bitter about things that happened twenty years ago. Don’t anyone be like that, please. But she came back gradually by the miracle of the faith of my mother who went to the temple each week and consistently submitted my Lola’s name on the prayer roll. There wasn’t a day in the temple for perhaps two-three years when my grandmother’s name wasn’t on the temple prayer rolls. In 2017, my grandmother not only came back to church, but also attended the most sacred part of my wedding day when she was there to witness the sealing ordinance of marriage between my husband and I. Certainly by doing this, my mother was fulfilling her measure of creation and also helping my Lola fulfil her measure of creation.

What miracles of motherhood have you experienced in your daily life?

Written with love,

Eliza.

Like unto yourselves

Dear readers

A few weeks ago, my beloved country, in the land down under, began to hilariously, aggressively, and inexpicably, panic buy toilet paper. That is, we all started to stock up. To the point where many Australians could not locate any rolls. To the point where people began verbally abusing staff members, and at times physically fighting other local shoppers.

What a people we have turned into.

If you happened to donate something for our bushfire relief last season ... this is the people you gave it to. Haha.

During this time it was really, really easy to forget to look and care for others other than ourselves. Other than our immediate household and family members. It became really easy to ignore the elderly looking for their essential items in the shopping centre. It became too easy to over buy items.

Australian authorities had to actually step in and take measures to prevent people panic buying. Costco had “toilet paper tickets” - one per household. Most big chain grocery stores, perhaps all of them, introduced buying restrictions on flour, sugar and other items. Only two per customer.

Pensioners had a designated shopping hour every morning. Health care workers were very kindly given an exclusive designated shopping hour on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. It got to the point where if I walked into ALDI to buy some dog food — literally only dog food — on my way home from work, I got stares for being a health care worker. I realised later that it may have been because people were either scared I was carrying COVID-19 on me or because I didn’t do my shopping on a Thursday or Tuesday morning.

Even if looking for your family is your first priority, the whole general atmosphere that our society was brewing did not make it feel right. Not right at all.

I think Jacob, a prophet from the Book of Mormon, described the sort of atmosphere that we all should have been striving for.

Think of your brethren like unto yourselves, and be familiar with all and free with your substance, that they may be rich like unto you. 

It goes with the old saying, treat others the way you want to be treated. Yet Jacob takes it further. He says that we should give of our things freely that others may be rich like unto us. Maybe, in his society, that's exactly what they did. Maybe their community lived in a perfect Zion. Or perhaps, they at least strived to. It is what our Heavenly Father wants us to do -- and it is what The Church practices. We freely give 10% of our gross income which goes into Church funds and on top of that we pay generous fast offerings and other donations every month and these donations go directly to the poor that need it. There was a time in my life (won't share when) when I had to rely on those donations to keep a roof over my head.

Jacob goes on. 

But before ye seek for riches, seek ye for the kingdom of God. 

And after ye have obtained a hope in Christ ye shall obtain riches, if ye seek them; and ye will week them for the intent to do good --to clothe the naked, and to feed the hungry, and to liberate the captive, and administer relief to the sick and the afflicted.

                                                                                                                            Jacob 2:17-19

I believe that the general idea isn't that we give everything until we ourselves are downtrodden poor. The Lord does want us to be self reliant. But He also wants us to obtain riches for the purpose of giving back. The more we have, the more we give. And then the more blessings we receive.

During this time many businesses had to close down. Many, many people lost their jobs and still had debts to pay. Our Australian banks have allowed most payments to be temporarily withheld upon request. And this has helped significantly I’m sure with many households. But not everyone can survive financially and it’s been hard for those who have had to stop working. It’s been hard for those renting, and for landlords who rely on rent as income.

Yet this isn’t the first time that the Lords faithful saints have experienced huge financial debt. He gave these words to this early saints:

And again, verily I say unto you, concerning your debts--behold it is my will that you shall pay all your debts. 

And it is my will that you shall humble yourselves before me, and obtain this blessing by your diligence and humility and the prayer of faith. 

And inasmuch as you are diligent and humble, and exercise the prayer of faith, behold, I will soften the hearts of those to whom you are in debt, until I shall send means unto you for your deliverance.

Doctrine and Covenants 104: 78-80

Isn't that the blessing that you want? For deliverance from financial disaster and poverty?

But for those of us who yet experience such trials, our Lord is aware of who you are. He has provided a way for you to obtain peace even in this life. I recommend reading the whole talk. One couldn't rightfully criticise this next passage if they read the whole talk.

Lose yourself in the service of others. As Jesus said, “Whosoever will save his life shall lose it; and whosoever will lose his life … shall find it” (Matt. 16:25). If you are fed up with your life, if you feel an oppressive loneliness, if you feel you are of no worth, go out and look up somebody who is in worse condition than you are—and you will find very many of them. Read to the blind, read to the aged, help those in distress, comfort those who are in sorrow. Give a little of your substance to those who are in need. Share and the world will become a sweeter, more delightful place for you. “Look to God and live” (Alma 37:47). There is so much to be done that can be wonderfully rewarding. Link here: Gordon B Hinckley

Throughout all of this, many people have been frightened and scared. Many people have doubted God and allowed fear to control them. 

But not I. 

I once allowed fear to control me but then chose to overcome it with the strength and power and blessings that come from the temple of God. I am not afraid.

That's the miracle of believing in God. 

Even when the whole world goes to kaput, I can stay calm. Even when everyone else around me gives into their fear and panics, I can stay calm. Partially because, yes, I trust in God that everything will be okay, but also because ... I've been preparing for this.

I may have mentioned before. Throughout my life, Heavenly Father prepares me to be strong enough to face challenges. And He prepares you, too. But only if you're listening to Him. 

Written with love,

Eliza.

The Little Things

Initially written in January 2020.

Dear readers 

We all have weaknesses, and this is one of mine. When I called to be Oakhurst Ward Primary President, it was the first time in my life that I had deliberations on being extended a calling, because of this particular weakness.

I'm a very nervous person. When I feel something, I feel it strongly. It's part of my charm, I'm sure, but it's also a very strong weakness.

The member of the bishopric asked me how I felt about being extended this calling, and I have to tell you, I just did not know how to put into words that my high anxieties may prevent me from serving to the best of my capacity. I told him I was very forgetful, which is true.

He said to me, "Well, things these are easily fixed. For example, if you are forgetful, you could write things down so that you don't forget." And that, to me, was like an epiphany. I made plans in my head to get a weekly planner going again this year, write down the kid's birthdays, do this and that to be organised for primary, etc. I made plans to create my own personal goals for primary, and then sharing with my counsellors (who I hadn't called yet) exactly how we were going to achieve those.

And I felt good about it. It felt right. I told him my sister was a primary president. He said "Now I know we made the right choice." And I felt peace.

When I was asked to give a talk on Sunday, it was the first time that I ever felt nervous about giving a talk. I was clutched in the hands of anxiety, worried that I might say something wrong or something completely useless, or that I won't be spiritually equipped to speak by the power of the spirit. I have made all these mistakes before in public settings, and I did not want to taint my own new reputation as a very young and inexperienced primary president.

When I asked God, "why me?" it was not because I was complaining- it was because I was completely baffled. It was my 24th birthday when I was extended the calling, but I still felt like I was only still very young, I still felt (feel) like I haven't accomplished much in life. No degree, no full-time job, no babies, not even a completed tertiary education of any kind, no real travel adventures (er, missions don't count-pr maybe they do), practically no life experiences that makes me "qualify" to become an ecclesiastical leader on this level. But I know that callings are prayerfully considered before extended, particularly this one, because children may be the most difficult to look after. And I know that when the Lord agrees with your prayerful decision, He lets you know. In other words, as baffling as it is, the Lord did choose me to serve His children this way, and I may have a personal revelation to this answer which I won't divulge here, respectfully.

To every weakness, I believe there is an underlying strength. Similar to how opposites work together to make one unified front, I believe that to every weakness there is a strength. And to every strong quality we have, there is a weakness. I am a very forgetful person, I forget names, birthdays, faces. I forget conversations and tend to repeat myself over and over again, which you know, Lawrence just loves, lol. But you know what I am good at? 

I'm forgetful, yes, but I'm good at being thoughtful. I'm good at being sincere, I'm good at showing kindness and love. I may just forget your name. And...

I'm good at writing, lol. Not necessarily good as in "novel writing" or "professional please hire me" writing--although I wouldn't mind selling a book one day. But I mean, I write A LOT. 

In addition to this blog which I update weekly, I keep a personal journal. A lot of things that I mention on my blog, are filtered down cut-down versions of events and thoughts I've already written in my journal. I also keep a daily planner, a creative writing journal, and I annotate my study materials for scripture reading frequently. I also use the same journal to rewrite scriptures or principles of scripture that are soul-catching. Is that a lot of writing? That's sounds like a lot of writing to me. I suppose I love words as a way to compose my thoughts, to express myself, to help me remember and reminisce the good, bad, triumphs and regrets of my life. 

My anxieties have brought on a hidden talent that I'm sharing with the world through this blog.

It's the little things that counts towards my eternal progression. 

And I think the Lord knew this about me even when I was young. I'm not sure how the Spirit works for you, because although the principles are the same, it is fine-tuned to every person. When God communicates with me, when I ask God a specific prayer, He will answer it in words. And they are usually little words, too, not long scriptures or general conference talks. My personal revelation comes to me in words that enter into my mind, as if a person had whispered it into my mind and heart and it is quiet but it is all that I can hear because all other thoughts are gone. 

When I was young and wanted to know if the Book of Mormon was true, I was told, "Eliza, you already know it is true." 

One time I was on my mission, fasting with my companion, and while walking around, my companion said she thought we should change the plans and proselyte elsewhere. We took further steps forward and I was told by the Spirit, "Go this way." We taught a man outside his house. He received the first vision with seriousness, (you know they are listening when they ask questions to clarify the story), I asked this man, "Why did you agree to listen to us today?" And he said, "I had just asked God if he was there, and there you were, telling me that you had a message from Him, so I wanted to listen."

When I asked Heavenly Father if it was a good idea to meet my future husband in another state that I've never been to before, I was told "Why not?" And off I went.

When I asked God if I should marry Lawrence, he said, "Yes, but not yet." And so I waited until Lawrence proposed to me. And furthermore, I let him decide on an long engagement, because I knew that God wanted me to wait a little longer.

When we lost our first pregnancy, I visited the temple for answers and direction. I asked Heavenly Father if I should start trying again. He didn't really answer me. I was told, "Faith over fear." And that was exactly the right answer for me.

I'm not the best leader I've seen. I'm not the most spiritual person, not the most obedient or the most diligent. But I want you to know, that I am confident that I am trying my best. One mistake after another, one step at a time. And celebrating the little things.

Written with love,

Eliza.

The Life of a Health Care Worker

Dear readers

First of all, do you even know what it is that I do at work? If I tell you “orderly” do you know what that is? Nurses and doctors that I talk to at work sometimes aren’t even sure about my job title, or get it plain wrong. Don’t misunderstand, I honestly don’t mind being referred to as “porter” or “wardie” because the latter (wardie is short for wardsperson) is pretty much the same thing and the former is very similar only a more basic role of what I do. A porter in a hospital, such as a big one in Westmead, pushes beds. Transfers patients all around the hospital. There are many porters in Westmead hospital. If I am talking to a more older patient, they may recognise me as a porter, and I don’t bother correcting the term. I may even introduce myself as a porter for sake of simplicity. I am an orderly. An orderly also pushes beds and transfers heavy equipment like a porter, but we also assist nurses with patient washes, patient lifts and turns, patient bed to bed (as in transferring a patient from a hospital bed to a CT scan bed), we also assist in dealing with the deceased including morbid but uncannily not scary trips to the mortuary. The mortuary I’ve been in is nothing like you see in movies or dramas. For me, it’s just part of the job and honestly, unless you’ve done something similar to my line of work, I’ve probably seen a lot more dead bodies than you. Not bragging, just trying to help you picture what role as an orderly looks like.  Anyway. Sorry for my insensitivity. 

A Typical Elevator Experience 

  

As an orderly, I guess I am considered a “frontline” essential worker. Meaning, I need to go to work at the hospital as a necessity to society and also I am most at risk with my close proximity to COVID-19 patients. I have a weird, yet touching experience. 

In the elevator (where everyone keeps social distancing as much as possible— I have told visitors to take another lift if I am already in it with a patient and a nurse) I had an experience with a man who looked like he was on the phone. Only, maybe his call hadn’t connected yet, because he was talking to me! He said “Thank you so much for what you do.”

“Thank you.” I said and smiled.

“I appreciate so much what you do. All of you.” (Refereing to my uniform which differs from a nurses uniform, maybe he identifies me as “porter”). 

“Thank you.” I said again.

“I pray for you! We pray for you and your safety.”

“Thank you.” I said again. 

“God bless you.” 

“Thank you.” I said. “God bless you, too.” 

-Exit Lift- 

And the whole time he was talking to me, looking at me, he had his phone on his ear. 

Which made me consider... was this dude even talking to me? 

I guess I can never be sure. 

Meh.

The Entitlement Syndrome 

And although the world and our beloved Australian nation apparently applauds health care workers on the frontline against COVID-19 ... I cannot but help a tad teeny weeny but guilty for actually having a job during this time. 

While the world and everyone on my social media either lockdowns in self isolation or considers isolation ... my immediate world and habits ... kinda never changed. I’m still working and therefore going out etc. I even head to the shops after work if I need to buy dog food (I don’t do grocery shopping in my family ... it’s an unspoken rule that I don’t do it because everyone knows I’ll buy a whole heap of junk food).

Is it so bad ... that I feel bad for it? 

I feel for YOU. YOU may not have the job security and therefore financial security that I have. 

Literally, my mum being a nurse, my dad being a cop, even my husband being a personal care assistant for a nursing company, ALL have essential work. 

And so this random man praising and praying for me as some kind of hero makes me a little uncomfortable because I had to wonder ... was HIS family doing okay? Was HE out of work?  

If Australia does go into complete quarantine lockdown ... I know that I will be okay. But I want to know if YOU will be okay. Financially, mainly. Financial stress can cause many problems and many anxieties. So I hope, dear reader, that you are doing okay. 

And if you’re not, let me be the one to help you out. Please.

Starting a small business? I’m your number one customer. Writing a blog? I’m your number one fan. Looking for a new job? I’ll send you links as I come across good ones.

Need some groceries? Message me, and I will buy and deliver at your door, no contact required. I don’t even care if you never pay me back. By sharing my kindness, I’m inviting you to pay it forward.

Need someone to talk to you? Have you ever tried messaging me? I promise you, I am probably more socially awkward than you. You can feel at home with me, promise.



Written with love,

Eliza

A Day of Revelation

Dear readers

Today is the day that revelations are coming true. Today is the day that prophetic revelations are happening. It’s actually been happening every day since April 1820 with Joseph Smith. 

Our modern day prophet is President Russell M. Nelson. A world renowned heart surgeon in his own right, and the leading prophet and God’s mouthpiece on this earth. 

I had the greatest pleasure to hear him speak in person, and to also shake his hand in the year 2016 whilst he visited missionaries of my Church in the Philippines. What an astounding moment that was for me. 

I heard him speak again in person when he came to Sydney, Australia to speak to members of The Church in my hometown. Again, I felt an overwhelming and unmistakeable impression that this is more than a man of God. He is God’s very own mouthpiece on earth.

And although no one knew COVID-19 would be coming, God knew. And he told his servants the prophets to warn us. To prepare us.

More than telling us to eat our vitamins though, our church leaders in a recent (12th March 2020) revelatory worldwide message has announced that all public church meetings are to be immediately discontinued. This includes my church’s practice of two hours of Sunday worship, one hour of partaking of the sacrament to renew our covenants with God, and another hour of learning in some form of Sunday School classes. 

Instead of risking the spread of commutable diseases worldwide, the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints are commanded to hold their Sunday worshipping practices within the safety of our own homes. Those who hold the priesthood, under the direction and instruction of local church leaders, are to administer the sacrament at home to their families, and visit those families who do not have a priesthood holder. 

Yet Two Years Ago the prophets, the same leading prophet of The Church, introduced a home-based scripture study, family friendly, program called Come, Follow Me. For two years, we have been commanded not to rely upon the teachings of our Sunday School teachers for our weekly dose of spiritual nourishment, rather we have been commanded to follow the Come Follow Me program on a daily and weekly basis as individuals and families. 

These days of revelation have prepared us for COVID-19 and whatever other ailments this life on earth may bring us.

We are so blessed to live during the day of revelation. I am so grateful for it and I know for a certainty that we have a living prophet who is the mouthpiece of a living God who loves us.

As we studied in today’s/this weeks Come Follow Me program, the gospel is beautiful and simple, why look beyond the mark to find answers that have nothing to do with our faith in God? Why deconstruct and criticise and question a perfect plan, a perfect book, even the Book of Mormon? 

I had a wonderful experience today of being Gods mouthpiece during our in-home sacrament program. 

My grandmother’s native language I guess is Tagalog (Filipino). We sang the opening hymn in Tagalog and after an opening prayer my Dad invited me to bear my testimony. I began speaking in Tagalog. I haven’t borne my testimony in my mission language, in my parents native tongue for perhaps almost 4 years. And what I said I gave no prior thought to. I only said whatever the Spirit prompted me to say. And as I bore testimony of modern day prophets, of the safety we are given and gratitude I have for the gospel, my Lola visibly began to cry. I also said that because of Jesus Christ and His gospel, I know that our family will be together forever. 

And I realised only after my Grandmother said the closing prayer to end our Sacrament meeting, that she had been so worried about her 5 children and 14 grandchildren, not even about her 79year old self. She was worried for those who aren’t with her and who are in the Philippines. But she also felt comfort to know that her Heavenly Father prepared a way for her for be with her family for eternity. 

So in a roundabout way, in home Sunday worship as a family brought this opportunity for the Spirit to particularly reach my beloved Lola, whom we are all very worried about.

For anyone out there who may need an extra hand, I hope that providence rains on you and you get every needful thing organised. Let’s all be kind to one another. 

And remember, today is the age of revelations. How will you Hear Him? 

Behold, great and marvellous are the works of the Lord. How unsearchable are the depths of the mysteries of him; and it is impossible that man should find out all his ways. And no man knows that of his ways save it be revealed unto him; wherefore, brethren, despise not the revelations of God.

For behold, by the power of his word man came upon the face of the earth, which earth was created by the power of his word. Wherefore, if God being able to speak and the world was, and to speak and man was created, O then, why not able to command the earth, or the workmanship of his hands upon the face of it, according to his will and pleasure?

God is powerful and all knowing. Instead of trying to find a philosophical reasonable explanation on this, this is the time to have faith, be calm, rise above and succeed this test, and remember that if God wills it so and speaks it so, He is bound to his word, and according to his word if it be his word, we will be safe. 

Take care friends.

Written with love,

Eliza.

A Return to Reality

Dear readers

I do love a good book. I do love a good binge-worthy T.V. show. Lately I watched Anne with an E, and now I am rewatching it and have two episodes left. As always, when I finish a good T.V. series, I always wonder ... 

Whatever will I watch next? 

(In the case of Anne with an E, the answer to this specific question was to watch it for a second time.)

Accurate visual representation of how I think this stage of my life is going.
A walking klutz attempting to hide my issues with a pretty bow.
No offence to Anne. Poor Anne.
(Psst. Gilbert still loves you, Anne)

That's the sad reality of the average modern person, I imagine. We are all so very very good at escaping our realities that we enjoy watching alternate realities of fictional people and staged episodes--after all that editing and producing and re-runs, is not absolutely everything on T.V. and the media platform fictional? Unattainable? Unrealistic? 

Arguable, I admit. 

Here's a call to a return to reality. 

I think it is completely okay to just admit it when we're having an off day and to rest and binge on something wholesome that won't break the word of wisdom. I think it should be okay to admit doing this without any stigma. I love it when I ask other staff members what they do when they're not at work ... young people generally say they sleep. Yeah, you do that, and you do it proudly. 

But let's call back reality. I just want to get back onto the path of progression. My daily planner helps with that but I have stopped using it for a week, maybe two now (I actually don't know without my planner to tell me, oh the irony) and I have felt the consequence due to the absence of my usual organisation. Where is the consistency, without my planner? 

If my life and progression were mapped into a line graph; it would show a squiggly line waving up and down yet slowly but surely going in the upwards direction.

Me right now is therefore: progressively forward and up, but kinda on the downward spectrum. 

Tomorrow, or next week, I may be flying up, up and away. 

And then the week after that, I may be on my knees again, utterly humbled and hopeless at life. 

And during all of these crazy ups and downs (what am I even complaining about? I'm not really sure, but let's not compare lives) there is always one constant for all of us. 

He's there, if we believe it. If we choose to embrace it. 

Just like a friend who'll listen and quietly lend a calm presence while I cry, I know God never leaves me alone, any of us. 

God is our constant. 

And yet again ... it is 4:00am in the morning and this poor blog writer can't sleep on another Saturday night which is now Sunday morning... 

And yet again ... she finds the answer to her life's question in the Book of Mormon. 

I'll have you know that I read this book quite often. But sometimes, I need to reread passages days a part and realise that Heavenly Father had the answer in store for me before I even asked the question. And tonight, He comforts me by telling me that yes, I have this anxiety problem, and yes, it's kinda bad lately, but things do get better. Because He is a God of miracles and that will never change. 

For behold, I am God;--An indisputable declaration of reality,-- and I am a God of miracles;--I do wonder what miracles I need?-- and I will show unto the world that I am the same yesterday, today, and forever;--Show me, what should I do to have you work miracles in my life?-- and I work not among the children of men save it be according to their faith. 

Hm. I really love how Heavenly Father declares he will only show us his miracles--the proof of His existence--if we prove that we don't need proof to believe in Him, ie have faith.

Knowing this makes me wanna go and wake up Lawrence for some reason. Maybe argue about proving our love to each other and whatnot. But I shall resist. Sigh. On both accounts. 

So here's to a return to reality. And by that, I mean I need to stop binge watching and binge reading and really live my life to the fullest. Maybe write that novel I've been wanting to write. Maybe finish that online certificate I'm supposed to studying. Maybe go out more with my little sister and be there for her. All of the above.

And now here's me hopefully returning to bed until sunrise. 

Written with love,

Eliza.

The Unwanted

Dear readers

Please don't be put-off by this topic. If you know me, then you need to know this. If you love me, then accept it.

Anxiety and depression are real.

And lately, they are my unwanted bed companions.

You know, it's really easy to go about my day and life with a front. Hard working. Happy. Organised.

And it's really hard to go to bed where the anxieties catch up to me like a strong wave finally crashing on the shores.

And unfortunately for me, that's what I've been experiencing lately.

Unwanted in a different perspective: I always suspected that this beautiful pup had separation anxiety. We first met him when he was 8 weeks old, fresh in the pet store with all of his siblings. Five weeks later, he was still there, in another pen with a different breed of puppies. All of his siblings had already been sold. He was the oldest and largest puppy in the whole store. If we hadn't come in to adopt him, well, I don't know what pet stores do with unwanted puppies.
Oh, and he sleeps really well, I envy him, lol.

It's not always like this--sometimes I have genuinely good days and I can fall asleep with sweet dreams.

I started seeking professional help in 2018. These unwanted burdens started to really get out of hand. After perhaps two sessions of listening to me talk, the psychologist shared me her insights. She said that she believes my brain had been trying to tell me that I was unhappy for a long time, but I chose to ignore it. So then my brain was driving me over the edge in an effort to make my mind see that I needed help, or change, or something to make me feel secure again. And now that my mind was listening, I could discuss with myself - why am I feeling this way? What am I willing to change about my lifestyle, or feelings, or setting, or attitude, in order to sleep at night?

In terms of curing my mental health, I don't know. But I know I'll get there, so don't you worry about me.

In terms of finding spiritual peace; I know how to achieve that.

You know when I was at the tender age of thirteen, I decided to kneel down and pray and ask God if the Book of Mormon was indeed true. I knelt by my bedside one evening, said the most sincerest prayer I had ever said in my life, and then waited quietly for an answer. It wasn't long until my young impressionable mind was completely bombarded with racing trails of thoughts that seemed to have no closure.

But I had faith, so I remained still.

And it wasn't long until my mind quietened (there really is no other way to describe it), and the spirit spoke peace to my soul. I felt and heard the words so clearly in my mind: Eliza, you already know it is true.

I suppose that's why I open the Book of Mormon during the times of my life that I've felt troubled by something -- even if it's seemingly unrelated to what I'm going through.

Tonight, I share with you the wise and prophetic words of prophet Jacob from the Book of Mormon, who was Nephi's younger brother, and felt motivated to speak to the Nephites and preach to them.

O the greatness of the mercy of our God ... For he delivereth his saints from that awful monster the devil, and death, and hell ... which is endless torment.

For someone who can barely function during the day, which feels like something close to endless torment because it's an endless cycle, I really want to know more about what Jacob is trying to teach.

O how great the holiness of our God! For he knoweth all things, and there is not anything save he knows it. 

If God knows what I am going through, he better know the solution. If I may amend that to something better, since God knows what I am going through, I ought to ask him to help me find the solution. And one better: I ought to ask him to help me find the strength in this trial, even if it means that it will never go away.

And he cometh into the world that he may save all men if they will hearken unto his voice; for behold, he suffereth the pains--my pains?--of all men, yea the pains of every living creature, both men, women, and children, who belong to the family of Adam.

In institute, which is a gospel-study class for young adults aged 18-30, I felt the spirit tell me that I need to be more grateful. More specifically, we were taught that saying our prayers and thanking Heavenly Father for the things we are grateful for inspires us to show more gratitude.

Behold, my beloved brethren, remember the words of your God; pray unto him continually by day, and give thanks unto his holy name by night. Let your hearts rejoice. 

Anxiety and depression are real. Like every other trial and bad thing on this earth, it tests us, hurts us, to make us stronger. And we can only receive our full potential (not in this life, but also in the life to come) if we choose today to "hearken unto his voice."

Our trials are unwanted. But, fortunately for us, God wants us to succeed, and will give us every tool we need to be champions. If we ask him for it.

I hope we're still okay, you and me, dear reader. This doesn't change anything, I'm still the same girl you know and love. I might just be a little loopy and tired because of unwanted bed companions, lol.

Written with love,

Eliza.

February Fast

Dear readers

This month I wanted to fast for something specific. I wanted to fast for something because it was one of my goals this year to use this blog as a platform to record the every day miracles that happen in my very ordinary (perhaps even uneventful, lol) life. 

I Feel My Saviour's Love

So as of last night and today, I had been fasting that the Oakhurst ward primary children will feel the love of the Saviour. 

It's funny how things work out without me really planning it. Our primary music leader taught the children his particular hymn: I Feel My Savior's Love. 

There were two other songs that we had planned to sing that today, but that was the song that she decided to focus on. These are the lyrics of the first verse.

I feel my Savior's love

In all the world around me.

His Spirit warms my soul

Through ev'rything I see.

He knows I will follow him

Give all my life to him.

I feel my Savior's love

The love he freely gives me.

I love this hymn. However, during music time, I was too busy writing down the lyrics of the next song to really be in the moment and I regret that. Sometimes, we just need to sit down and stop worrying instead of trying to plan ahead. Only then can we access the blessings that the Lord is waiting to pour on us.

The Story of the Liahona 

I also had the opportunity to teach the Valiant 9-10 girls today about the story of the Liahona. There were only three of them. I was quite proud of myself because today I realised that I wasn't stressed about learning their names, because I already knew them.  I think the Spirit must've brought it into my remembrance. They all feel connected to me. One of them called me sister Magallanes, which is my maiden/missionary title. Which was funny because I'm actually sister Mckellar now, but that's okay, lol, they'll get to know me better.

After I had them help me tell the story of the Liahona, I emphasised to them that the Liahona was a ball of compass that only worked if Lehi and his family was obedient. And the same applies to us; the Spirit is like our Liahona that will guide us the right path if we are obedient to God's commandments.

This young sister shared a little story about how grateful she was to me. She said that she really likes me teaching. She shared an experience about something that happened not too long ago. If I understood correctly, she had been given a Book of Mormon stories book as a gift and was reading it out loud to herself. She said that her mum was listening and asked her what Nephi meant by "I will go and do." She told me that she was able to explain to her mum what it means because of the lessons that I've been teaching to her at church. I was so touched, because I must admit that I had no idea that she was really taking the primary lessons to heart and applying them, and teaching them to others. I was so moved. I didn't even realise that my confidence in myself was fading until this little girl boosted it for me. But the Lord knew how I was feeling. And the Lord delivered a gift to me.

Another young sister shared an experience about how through her example and inviting her cousins to come to church, her auntie also desired to come to church. I told her that that's exactly what the Liahona is all about! It is about listening to the spirit who is our Guide to help us to do absolutely anything the Lord would have us do, to go anywhere the Lord would have us go, to say what the Lord would have us say. I told her that because of her obedience and diligence in choosing the right, she was able to bring her cousins and auntie to church.

And the third girl spoke as well. She's so quite that everyone, even the girls sitting right beside her, needs to lean towards and strain ears to hear her speak. She said that every morning before school her mother gathers the family to pray. And that every night that read from the scriptures in their language and pray together before going to bed. I was so happy to hear that this little girl and her family are holding the strongest family tradition. After all: A family that prays together, stays together.

Let me tell you that today had so many hiccups. And definitely things did not go as expected, as always. Yet I believe because of the power of fasting, I was able to fulfil and magnify my calling to the absolute fullest according to my capabilities. I believe that the primary children truly felt loved today. You know how I know? Because I felt and saw God's hand in my life today.

Written with love,

Eliza.